It's a Fetish, Baby!

Dear Sarah,

I'm seeking help about how to accept an alternate lifestyle. As a young girl, I was repeatedly sexually abused and subsequently developed a fascination with diapers. As a teenager, I began associating wearing diapers with sexual arousal but I experienced a lot of guilt and shame about this. Now, I'm thirty-five and spend my private time becoming sexually aroused by wearing diapers and doing all the things a baby does. After I reach sexual gratification, the guilt and shame sets in. On one hand I love acting like a baby but on the other hand I hate doing it because of the guilt I feel afterward. How can I learn to accept my desires without feeling guilty?

Feeling Bad in Babyland

Dear Babygirl,

It sounds like you are experiencing something called paraphilic infantilism, a fetish in which sexual pleasure is derived from dressing and acting like a baby or toddler.  There is not much research done on this particular fetish, perhaps because most Adult Babies (or ABs, as most prefer to be called) do not seek therapy, making it more difficult to collect data.  Common characteristics among ABs include an intense desire to be loved, and a strong fear of rejection.  The baby fantasies give them a feeling of safety and security they do not derive elsewhere.  However, discussing the fantasies with a partner is a difficult task because they are afraid of ridicule.

As for your guilt, sexual turn-ons very widely from one person to the next.  As long as you are a consenting adult engaging in a practice that does not harm anyone, please release your guilt and allow yourself these simple pleasures.

Take care,

SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

Wishful Thinking

Dear Sarah,

I met this beautiful lady at a party and was having a great time with her. After talking for a few minutes, I found out she had a lesbian partner who was also at the party, and then I got even more excited. The thought of being with the two of them was so incredible I could hardly think about it. Do lesbians ever have a man join them for a threesome? Just wondering what your thoughts are.

Midwest Dreamer

Dear Dreamer,

Do lesbians ever have a man join them for a threesome?  Hmmm, well I'm sure it has happened before but I think this is mostly a fantasy in straight men's minds, perpetuated by the proliferation of bad "lesbian" porn.  If you believe you were getting actual sexual signals from this woman and her partner, ask directly if it's something they're interested in.  Otherwise, this one might be best left in the arena of fun (but benign) flirtation.

Take care,

SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

Bigger is Better

Dear Sarah,

I am engaged to the most wonderful man on the planet.  He is handsome, thoughtful, considerate, and successful.  Literally my only concern about him or the relationship is that he has the smallest penis of any man I’ve ever been with.  At first I blew this off as unimportant, but the longer we’re together the more I feel like I’m missing something.  I can’t have an orgasm during intercourse because I just can’t feel him inside me.  I have seen some ads on the internet for penis enlargement pills, and am wondering if there’s anything to this.  Also, if they do work, how can I bring this up without hurting his feelings?

In Love With Microscopic Man

Dear Scientist,

This is a complex issue.  The simple answer to your question is don’t waste your money on penis enlargement pills; they don’t work.  Maintaining a relationship with the most wonderful man on the planet seems worth the effort, so it’s important to find other ways you can feel sexually satisfied.  I might suggest using an insertive sex toy such as a dildo, as well as manual stimulation of your clitoris (by you or your fiancé) during intercourse.  Try to focus on the options available to you in the relationship rather than on what you don’t or cannot have with this particular partner.  Men tend to derive large parts of their self esteem from their income and sexual performance.  Keep this in mind when communicating with him about this issue, and handle it gently!

Take care,

SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

Kiss and Tell

Dear Sarah,

Do you think there are such things as good kissers and bad kissers, or merely compatible kissers and incompatible kissers?

Not Sure in Nashville

Dear Nashville,

Some people are obviously more compatible kissers than others from the get go.  However, I think you can speak up and ask directly for what you want or don’t want from a partner with regard to kissing (i.e. “I like feeling a little more/less of your tongue when we kiss.”), which may allow someone an escape from the “bad kisser” category.   This can be a sensitive subject, so be sure to frame your request in terms of what you want rather than on what the other person is doing wrong.

Take care,

Sarah

If you have a question for the Sex Therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

Deserted

Dear Sarah,
I am a 48 year old woman in a new dating relationship.  The attraction is strong and the sex is good.  I'm noticing, though, that even when I'm really turned on there are times I don't get very wet.  I feel embarrassed about it, and I feel the need to apologize or explain myself.  This has never happened to me in past relationships, and I don't want to send the message I'm not interested.  How should I handle this?

Desert Down There

Dear Gobi,
Ah, the wonders of aging... It seems likely you are perimenopausal, which is often accompanied by vaginal dryness.  See your gynecologist to have your hormone levels checked.  You may benefit from natural supplements (or HRT if you're so inclined).  Meanwhile, talk to your sex partner and invest in a good bottle of lube. (I recommend ID Lube.) This can be a fun addition to your sexual escapades even if you're not concerned about dryness!

Take care,
SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

No Drive in Denver

Dear Sex Therapist,

I have a problem I’m embarrassed to talk about.  I am a 32-year-old man and I seem to have lost interest in sex.  My sex drive has never been that high, even when I was a teenager.  I have only been with one person before my wife, and we broke up because she wanted more sex than I did.  Now, my wife and I are trying to have a baby and I feel pressured to perform, which makes things even worse.  If I do get turned on, my erection is not that strong, and I don’t last very long once we are able to get started.  The most awkward part is I have a lot of sex dreams, and lots of times I ejaculate in my sleep.  I thought this only happened during puberty and I would die if my wife found out.  What should I do?

Dreaming Dan

Dear Dreamer,

When is the last time you had a physical?  This is the first place to start, by checking to see if something is off-kilter physiologically.  If so, this is a readily fixable issue and you could be a changed man in no time.  I’m betting this might be the case since you report you’ve never had much of a sex drive.  If you rule out a medical issue, schedule an appointment with a sex therapist who can help you get to the bottom of this.  As for the sex dreams and nocturnal emissions, there is a biological reason this is happening.  If you are not having sex or masturbating, your body needs a way to rid itself of the existing semen so it can renew your supply with a fresh batch, which will come in handy if you’re trying to have a baby.  Talk frankly with your wife about this so you don’t have to live with the fear she will find out accidentally.

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

Pickup Lines

Dear Sarah,

My husband and I have been married for 9 years.  Since our kids were born (we have twins who are 3), our sex life isn’t what it used to be and I think we are both a little bored.  Recently he asked me if I would go to a bar downtown, wait for him to arrive, and then pretend like he’s a stranger trying to pick me up.  I don’t mind doing this, but it makes me wonder what he has been up to and if he really wants to be with someone besides me.  Should I go along with it?

Barfly in Baltimore

Dear Bored Barfly,

What do you think he might be up to?  It sounds like he is asking directly for what he needs to help overcome his sexual boredom.  Pickup fantasies are common, and can be a safe and effective way to generate sexual excitement.  It’s really normal to fantasize about sex that’s not what you’re having, especially if you tend to repeat the same things over and over again with your partner.  Even your favorite movie can only be watched so many times in a row before you need a subscription to Netflix.  Give the pickup scenario a shot, and here’s hoping it livens things up!

SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.