Dear Sarah,
I am 45 years old and have a steady partner of many years. We have what I would call a healthy, active, excellent sex life. Since the early 90's, approximately every fifth orgasm I have results in tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. It appears that I am crying although I am not sad or emotional. I have tried to correlate the events to my menstrual cycle thinking it is possibly a hormonal reaction but there appears to be no rhyme or reason. Also I have noted that it is not related to physical position or activity. Do you have any thoughts on what could be the cause?
Tissues on the Night Stand
Dear Tissues,
Congratulations on maintaining a long-term steady partnership that includes an excellent sex life! Crying after an orgasm is an occurrence common to many women. I'm curious about your statement that you are "not sad or emotional" when this happens. This seems to indicate you think the tears might be a purely physiological response; however, the lump in your throat suggests something emotional might be present as well. Some research suggests that hormones (particularly oxytocin) released during orgasm may contribute to post-climax crying. Other experts believe the vulnerability many women feel when having an orgasm can result in an emotional surge that is sometimes accompanied by tears. Either way, your response is normal and shared by many women.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Anal Beads
Dear Sarah,
I am in a relationship with a new sex partner who is a little more shy than I am. So far we have been able to talk openly about sexual topics, although she gets a bit nervous at times. I am an avid proponent of sex toys, and she admits she has never had much experience with them. I recently received a set of anal beads as a "free gift" with an online toy order, and I am very interested in trying them. Is this too much to ask? Should I start with something a little more mainstream? How can I bring this up without too much angst for either of us?
Playful
Dear Playful,
The fact that you and your new partner are talking openly is a great sign. It sounds like she is willing to press through her nervousness, which makes a positive statement. Many people are scared of the unknown, so if she hasn't had much experience with sex toys it makes sense she might have some reservations.
Anal beads are a series of small balls, usually graduated in size and attached together by some type of cord. The beads are inserted through the anus into the rectum and then removed at varying speeds, creating a pleasurable feeling as they pass through the anal sphincter. They are used by people of all genders and sexual orientations. While this type of activity may be unfamiliar to your new parner, anal play is practiced by many couples and is not considered a fetish. What would it be like to tell her directly about the anal beads, take a look at them together, and ask her for some feedback? If she's scared, the two of you can explore together what her fears are and come to some mutual understanding.
I am in a relationship with a new sex partner who is a little more shy than I am. So far we have been able to talk openly about sexual topics, although she gets a bit nervous at times. I am an avid proponent of sex toys, and she admits she has never had much experience with them. I recently received a set of anal beads as a "free gift" with an online toy order, and I am very interested in trying them. Is this too much to ask? Should I start with something a little more mainstream? How can I bring this up without too much angst for either of us?
Playful
Dear Playful,
The fact that you and your new partner are talking openly is a great sign. It sounds like she is willing to press through her nervousness, which makes a positive statement. Many people are scared of the unknown, so if she hasn't had much experience with sex toys it makes sense she might have some reservations.
Anal beads are a series of small balls, usually graduated in size and attached together by some type of cord. The beads are inserted through the anus into the rectum and then removed at varying speeds, creating a pleasurable feeling as they pass through the anal sphincter. They are used by people of all genders and sexual orientations. While this type of activity may be unfamiliar to your new parner, anal play is practiced by many couples and is not considered a fetish. What would it be like to tell her directly about the anal beads, take a look at them together, and ask her for some feedback? If she's scared, the two of you can explore together what her fears are and come to some mutual understanding.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Female Ejaculation
Dear Sarah,
I have a concern I can't really talk about to anyone. I am a 43 year old woman and I think I may be having bladder control issues that are affecting my sex life. I experience a significant amount of leakage every time I have an orgasm that involves penetration from my partner. (It doesn't happen when I am masturbating.) I have had this problem for many years, and much of the time I just try to refrain from climaxing so I don't have to deal with the embarrassment. Obviously my self-consciousness around this has an effect on my enjoyment of sex, so I would like to figure out what to do about it. Can you help?
TC
Dear TC,
If you are not experiencing this sensation at times other than your description above, it sounds likely that you are describing female ejaculation rather than bladder control problems. Female ejaculation, or "squirting," refers to a woman's expulsion of noticeable amounts of clear fluid from the paraurethral ducts during or before orgasm. It is a relatively common occurrence, reportedly experienced at one time or another by 35-50% of women. The amount of fluid expelled can vary from an almost imperceptible amount to several milliliters of fluid, more than just your average "wet spot."
You stated you feel some embarrassment around this; what would it be like to talk openly with your partner about it? While you may view it as distasteful, your partner may in fact find it stimulating, and an added bonus to your sexual repertoire. In any case, refraining from having an orgasm doesn't seem like a viable long-term solution. If you continue to have trouble accepting this or any other part of your sexual self, you may want to consider talking to a sex therapist.
I have a concern I can't really talk about to anyone. I am a 43 year old woman and I think I may be having bladder control issues that are affecting my sex life. I experience a significant amount of leakage every time I have an orgasm that involves penetration from my partner. (It doesn't happen when I am masturbating.) I have had this problem for many years, and much of the time I just try to refrain from climaxing so I don't have to deal with the embarrassment. Obviously my self-consciousness around this has an effect on my enjoyment of sex, so I would like to figure out what to do about it. Can you help?
TC
Dear TC,
If you are not experiencing this sensation at times other than your description above, it sounds likely that you are describing female ejaculation rather than bladder control problems. Female ejaculation, or "squirting," refers to a woman's expulsion of noticeable amounts of clear fluid from the paraurethral ducts during or before orgasm. It is a relatively common occurrence, reportedly experienced at one time or another by 35-50% of women. The amount of fluid expelled can vary from an almost imperceptible amount to several milliliters of fluid, more than just your average "wet spot."
You stated you feel some embarrassment around this; what would it be like to talk openly with your partner about it? While you may view it as distasteful, your partner may in fact find it stimulating, and an added bonus to your sexual repertoire. In any case, refraining from having an orgasm doesn't seem like a viable long-term solution. If you continue to have trouble accepting this or any other part of your sexual self, you may want to consider talking to a sex therapist.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Hard-on Havoc
Dear Sarah,
My man and I have been together for 11 years. About 4 years ago we started going to swinger clubs and parties, and this has been a great asset to our sex life. I’ve noticed sometimes at these “lifestyle” functions my man seems to lose his erection, even when he is being touched or getting a blow job. He never has this problem at home! What’s up with that?
Perplexed
Dear Perplexed,
2 things: One predominant factor in a man’s difficulty in getting or maintaining a hard-on at a lifestyle function has to do with the amount of alcohol he has consumed. The more he drinks, the harder (no pun intended) it may be for him to get or keep an erection. The second factor may be performance anxiety. Men who are exclusively straight sometimes have a hard time getting it up in the presence of other men. Fear of being judged, perhaps? You should not interpret this to mean he isn’t turned on. He may be completely in the mood, just having some difficulty getting the little head aligned with the big one. What can he do to minimize the problem? Alternate alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages to reduce overall consumption. Try not to “overthink” the situation; breathe deeply, relax, and enjoy the fact that you have found a mutually agreeable way to keep the spark in your relationship.
My man and I have been together for 11 years. About 4 years ago we started going to swinger clubs and parties, and this has been a great asset to our sex life. I’ve noticed sometimes at these “lifestyle” functions my man seems to lose his erection, even when he is being touched or getting a blow job. He never has this problem at home! What’s up with that?
Perplexed
Dear Perplexed,
2 things: One predominant factor in a man’s difficulty in getting or maintaining a hard-on at a lifestyle function has to do with the amount of alcohol he has consumed. The more he drinks, the harder (no pun intended) it may be for him to get or keep an erection. The second factor may be performance anxiety. Men who are exclusively straight sometimes have a hard time getting it up in the presence of other men. Fear of being judged, perhaps? You should not interpret this to mean he isn’t turned on. He may be completely in the mood, just having some difficulty getting the little head aligned with the big one. What can he do to minimize the problem? Alternate alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages to reduce overall consumption. Try not to “overthink” the situation; breathe deeply, relax, and enjoy the fact that you have found a mutually agreeable way to keep the spark in your relationship.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Lost Sex Drive
Dear Sarah,
I am 49 yrs old and in a 5 year relationship, yet somehow, something is greatly wrong. We both have good lives and good jobs and we love one another very much. We were friends first, and then it developed into a more serious romantic relationship. Although we both love and care for one another, she has a more pronounced sex drive, and it seems like mine has completely gone; I do not know why. I have never experienced this lack of desire, either with my current partner or in previous relationships. Its like it just disappeared with no warning. I don't know if it's important to mention that we have some cultural differences, as I am white and she is Hispanic. I do not want this issue to keep creating a wall between us that just makes both of us frustrated. Can you help? I'm out of answers...
Sad and Confused
Dear Sad and Confused,
It's not uncommon for partners to go through phases of discrepancy in their levels of sexual desire. My first bit of advice would be to speak with your physician to ensure there isn't a physical issue contributing to your decreased sex drive. Once that is ruled out, it may be helpful to look at other aspects of the relationship. I'm curious about the cultural factors you mentioned; do you suspect these may be contributing to the sexual discrepancy in some way, and if so, how? Are you and your partner directly communicating about your feelings, wants, and needs? Are the two of you able to spend quality time together that is positive in nature? Sometimes shoring up the emotional foundations of a relationship can help bring back the sexual piece.
Are you willing to begin some exploration of your own sexuality to see if you can reconnect with it, separate and aside from your partner? If so, consider the following questions:
*Are there times when you notice yourself having sexual thoughts and/or becoming aroused?
*If so, what brings them about? Visual stimuli? Touch? Fantasies? Is there a way to incorporate this into your relationship?
*If you don't notice yourself having sexual thoughts or becoming aroused, try exploring some of the above (visuals, masturbation, fantasies) to see if you can make your way back to your sexuality. It's almost certainly still there, you've just become disconnected from it. With a little effort, you can find it again!
I am 49 yrs old and in a 5 year relationship, yet somehow, something is greatly wrong. We both have good lives and good jobs and we love one another very much. We were friends first, and then it developed into a more serious romantic relationship. Although we both love and care for one another, she has a more pronounced sex drive, and it seems like mine has completely gone; I do not know why. I have never experienced this lack of desire, either with my current partner or in previous relationships. Its like it just disappeared with no warning. I don't know if it's important to mention that we have some cultural differences, as I am white and she is Hispanic. I do not want this issue to keep creating a wall between us that just makes both of us frustrated. Can you help? I'm out of answers...
Sad and Confused
Dear Sad and Confused,
It's not uncommon for partners to go through phases of discrepancy in their levels of sexual desire. My first bit of advice would be to speak with your physician to ensure there isn't a physical issue contributing to your decreased sex drive. Once that is ruled out, it may be helpful to look at other aspects of the relationship. I'm curious about the cultural factors you mentioned; do you suspect these may be contributing to the sexual discrepancy in some way, and if so, how? Are you and your partner directly communicating about your feelings, wants, and needs? Are the two of you able to spend quality time together that is positive in nature? Sometimes shoring up the emotional foundations of a relationship can help bring back the sexual piece.
Are you willing to begin some exploration of your own sexuality to see if you can reconnect with it, separate and aside from your partner? If so, consider the following questions:
*Are there times when you notice yourself having sexual thoughts and/or becoming aroused?
*If so, what brings them about? Visual stimuli? Touch? Fantasies? Is there a way to incorporate this into your relationship?
*If you don't notice yourself having sexual thoughts or becoming aroused, try exploring some of the above (visuals, masturbation, fantasies) to see if you can make your way back to your sexuality. It's almost certainly still there, you've just become disconnected from it. With a little effort, you can find it again!
Monday, September 29, 2008
Bored in the Bedroom
Dear Sarah,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Our sex life lacks a little luster, to say the least. Same location, same routine, same position every time. I want to start spicing things up in the bedroom, but it feels really risky. Is there a safe way to approach this? Please help!
Yawning
Dear Yawning,
One of the predominant reasons people seek sex therapy is to get permission. Permission to like what they like, to do what they do, and to spice things up in the bedroom. We all fear being ridiculed, or worse yet, being perceived as abnormal or disgusting with regard to our sexual proclivities. Rather than springing new activities on your partner, talk to him first. Find out what turns him on, aside from the routine the two of you have established. Some easy and perhaps less threatening places to start might be changing positions, or initiating sex somewhere other than the bedroom. You can also consider adding some sort of visual stimulation by assessing what would be arousing for each of you to look at. (Lingerie, videos, or photos are some ideas that have worked for other couples.) One of the biggest turn-ons for most people is having a sexually confident partner, so make sure you are feeling your best. Suggest new activities and ideas that play on your strengths and areas of comfort, and let yourself have fun with it!
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Our sex life lacks a little luster, to say the least. Same location, same routine, same position every time. I want to start spicing things up in the bedroom, but it feels really risky. Is there a safe way to approach this? Please help!
Yawning
Dear Yawning,
One of the predominant reasons people seek sex therapy is to get permission. Permission to like what they like, to do what they do, and to spice things up in the bedroom. We all fear being ridiculed, or worse yet, being perceived as abnormal or disgusting with regard to our sexual proclivities. Rather than springing new activities on your partner, talk to him first. Find out what turns him on, aside from the routine the two of you have established. Some easy and perhaps less threatening places to start might be changing positions, or initiating sex somewhere other than the bedroom. You can also consider adding some sort of visual stimulation by assessing what would be arousing for each of you to look at. (Lingerie, videos, or photos are some ideas that have worked for other couples.) One of the biggest turn-ons for most people is having a sexually confident partner, so make sure you are feeling your best. Suggest new activities and ideas that play on your strengths and areas of comfort, and let yourself have fun with it!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Married Woman, Lesbian Fantasies
Dear Sarah,
I am 37, happily married to a great guy for 11 years, 2 kids, house, great job, etc. American Dream, right? Lately, seemingly out of the blue, I have been having sex dreams (and now even some waking fantasies) about a new female attorney hired by my firm. We’ve had lunch a few times. She is engaging, funny, and openly lesbian, although you would never know it from her looks. I’m fairly conservative, and have never had any sexual attraction to women. This scares me. Please tell me it’s just a midlife crisis…
Shaken
Dear Shaken,
No worries, what you are experiencing is totally normal. Most women have some fluidity to their sexuality and can feel attracted to both genders, although one usually predominates. Someone new on your radar screen doesn’t mean you’re gay, or even bisexual. It does mean this is a good time to nurture the (presumably) committed relationship with your husband. Crushes and attractions can be fun, but can get away from us if we’re not careful. Engaging romantically with someone else would necessitate changing the agreement for monogamy with your current partner. However, if your relationship is secure, is it possible you could use your fantasies about your new coworker to add some spice to your current sex life?
I am 37, happily married to a great guy for 11 years, 2 kids, house, great job, etc. American Dream, right? Lately, seemingly out of the blue, I have been having sex dreams (and now even some waking fantasies) about a new female attorney hired by my firm. We’ve had lunch a few times. She is engaging, funny, and openly lesbian, although you would never know it from her looks. I’m fairly conservative, and have never had any sexual attraction to women. This scares me. Please tell me it’s just a midlife crisis…
Shaken
Dear Shaken,
No worries, what you are experiencing is totally normal. Most women have some fluidity to their sexuality and can feel attracted to both genders, although one usually predominates. Someone new on your radar screen doesn’t mean you’re gay, or even bisexual. It does mean this is a good time to nurture the (presumably) committed relationship with your husband. Crushes and attractions can be fun, but can get away from us if we’re not careful. Engaging romantically with someone else would necessitate changing the agreement for monogamy with your current partner. However, if your relationship is secure, is it possible you could use your fantasies about your new coworker to add some spice to your current sex life?
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