Dear Sarah,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Our sex life lacks a little luster, to say the least. Same location, same routine, same position every time. I want to start spicing things up in the bedroom, but it feels really risky. Is there a safe way to approach this? Please help!
Yawning
Dear Yawning,
One of the predominant reasons people seek sex therapy is to get permission. Permission to like what they like, to do what they do, and to spice things up in the bedroom. We all fear being ridiculed, or worse yet, being perceived as abnormal or disgusting with regard to our sexual proclivities. Rather than springing new activities on your partner, talk to him first. Find out what turns him on, aside from the routine the two of you have established. Some easy and perhaps less threatening places to start might be changing positions, or initiating sex somewhere other than the bedroom. You can also consider adding some sort of visual stimulation by assessing what would be arousing for each of you to look at. (Lingerie, videos, or photos are some ideas that have worked for other couples.) One of the biggest turn-ons for most people is having a sexually confident partner, so make sure you are feeling your best. Suggest new activities and ideas that play on your strengths and areas of comfort, and let yourself have fun with it!
Monday, September 29, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Married Woman, Lesbian Fantasies
Dear Sarah,
I am 37, happily married to a great guy for 11 years, 2 kids, house, great job, etc. American Dream, right? Lately, seemingly out of the blue, I have been having sex dreams (and now even some waking fantasies) about a new female attorney hired by my firm. We’ve had lunch a few times. She is engaging, funny, and openly lesbian, although you would never know it from her looks. I’m fairly conservative, and have never had any sexual attraction to women. This scares me. Please tell me it’s just a midlife crisis…
Shaken
Dear Shaken,
No worries, what you are experiencing is totally normal. Most women have some fluidity to their sexuality and can feel attracted to both genders, although one usually predominates. Someone new on your radar screen doesn’t mean you’re gay, or even bisexual. It does mean this is a good time to nurture the (presumably) committed relationship with your husband. Crushes and attractions can be fun, but can get away from us if we’re not careful. Engaging romantically with someone else would necessitate changing the agreement for monogamy with your current partner. However, if your relationship is secure, is it possible you could use your fantasies about your new coworker to add some spice to your current sex life?
I am 37, happily married to a great guy for 11 years, 2 kids, house, great job, etc. American Dream, right? Lately, seemingly out of the blue, I have been having sex dreams (and now even some waking fantasies) about a new female attorney hired by my firm. We’ve had lunch a few times. She is engaging, funny, and openly lesbian, although you would never know it from her looks. I’m fairly conservative, and have never had any sexual attraction to women. This scares me. Please tell me it’s just a midlife crisis…
Shaken
Dear Shaken,
No worries, what you are experiencing is totally normal. Most women have some fluidity to their sexuality and can feel attracted to both genders, although one usually predominates. Someone new on your radar screen doesn’t mean you’re gay, or even bisexual. It does mean this is a good time to nurture the (presumably) committed relationship with your husband. Crushes and attractions can be fun, but can get away from us if we’re not careful. Engaging romantically with someone else would necessitate changing the agreement for monogamy with your current partner. However, if your relationship is secure, is it possible you could use your fantasies about your new coworker to add some spice to your current sex life?
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