Lost Sex Drive

Dear Sarah,
I am 49 yrs old and in a 5 year relationship, yet somehow, something is greatly wrong. We both have good lives and good jobs and we love one another very much. We were friends first, and then it developed into a more serious romantic relationship. Although we both love and care for one another, she has a more pronounced sex drive, and it seems like mine has completely gone; I do not know why. I have never experienced this lack of desire, either with my current partner or in previous relationships. Its like it just disappeared with no warning. I don't know if it's important to mention that we have some cultural differences, as I am white and she is Hispanic. I do not want this issue to keep creating a wall between us that just makes both of us frustrated. Can you help? I'm out of answers...

Sad and Confused


Dear Sad and Confused,
It's not uncommon for partners to go through phases of discrepancy in their levels of sexual desire. My first bit of advice would be to speak with your physician to ensure there isn't a physical issue contributing to your decreased sex drive. Once that is ruled out, it may be helpful to look at other aspects of the relationship. I'm curious about the cultural factors you mentioned; do you suspect these may be contributing to the sexual discrepancy in some way, and if so, how? Are you and your partner directly communicating about your feelings, wants, and needs? Are the two of you able to spend quality time together that is positive in nature? Sometimes shoring up the emotional foundations of a relationship can help bring back the sexual piece.

Are you willing to begin some exploration of your own sexuality to see if you can reconnect with it, separate and aside from your partner? If so, consider the following questions:
*Are there times when you notice yourself having sexual thoughts and/or becoming aroused?
*If so, what brings them about? Visual stimuli? Touch? Fantasies? Is there a way to incorporate this into your relationship?
*If you don't notice yourself having sexual thoughts or becoming aroused, try exploring some of the above (visuals, masturbation, fantasies) to see if you can make your way back to your sexuality. It's almost certainly still there, you've just become disconnected from it. With a little effort, you can find it again!