Dear Sarah,
My man and I have been together for 11 years. About 4 years ago we started going to swinger clubs and parties, and this has been a great asset to our sex life. I’ve noticed sometimes at these “lifestyle” functions my man seems to lose his erection, even when he is being touched or getting a blow job. He never has this problem at home! What’s up with that?
Perplexed
Dear Perplexed,
2 things: One predominant factor in a man’s difficulty in getting or maintaining a hard-on at a lifestyle function has to do with the amount of alcohol he has consumed. The more he drinks, the harder (no pun intended) it may be for him to get or keep an erection. The second factor may be performance anxiety. Men who are exclusively straight sometimes have a hard time getting it up in the presence of other men. Fear of being judged, perhaps? You should not interpret this to mean he isn’t turned on. He may be completely in the mood, just having some difficulty getting the little head aligned with the big one. What can he do to minimize the problem? Alternate alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages to reduce overall consumption. Try not to “overthink” the situation; breathe deeply, relax, and enjoy the fact that you have found a mutually agreeable way to keep the spark in your relationship.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Lost Sex Drive
Dear Sarah,
I am 49 yrs old and in a 5 year relationship, yet somehow, something is greatly wrong. We both have good lives and good jobs and we love one another very much. We were friends first, and then it developed into a more serious romantic relationship. Although we both love and care for one another, she has a more pronounced sex drive, and it seems like mine has completely gone; I do not know why. I have never experienced this lack of desire, either with my current partner or in previous relationships. Its like it just disappeared with no warning. I don't know if it's important to mention that we have some cultural differences, as I am white and she is Hispanic. I do not want this issue to keep creating a wall between us that just makes both of us frustrated. Can you help? I'm out of answers...
Sad and Confused
Dear Sad and Confused,
It's not uncommon for partners to go through phases of discrepancy in their levels of sexual desire. My first bit of advice would be to speak with your physician to ensure there isn't a physical issue contributing to your decreased sex drive. Once that is ruled out, it may be helpful to look at other aspects of the relationship. I'm curious about the cultural factors you mentioned; do you suspect these may be contributing to the sexual discrepancy in some way, and if so, how? Are you and your partner directly communicating about your feelings, wants, and needs? Are the two of you able to spend quality time together that is positive in nature? Sometimes shoring up the emotional foundations of a relationship can help bring back the sexual piece.
Are you willing to begin some exploration of your own sexuality to see if you can reconnect with it, separate and aside from your partner? If so, consider the following questions:
*Are there times when you notice yourself having sexual thoughts and/or becoming aroused?
*If so, what brings them about? Visual stimuli? Touch? Fantasies? Is there a way to incorporate this into your relationship?
*If you don't notice yourself having sexual thoughts or becoming aroused, try exploring some of the above (visuals, masturbation, fantasies) to see if you can make your way back to your sexuality. It's almost certainly still there, you've just become disconnected from it. With a little effort, you can find it again!
I am 49 yrs old and in a 5 year relationship, yet somehow, something is greatly wrong. We both have good lives and good jobs and we love one another very much. We were friends first, and then it developed into a more serious romantic relationship. Although we both love and care for one another, she has a more pronounced sex drive, and it seems like mine has completely gone; I do not know why. I have never experienced this lack of desire, either with my current partner or in previous relationships. Its like it just disappeared with no warning. I don't know if it's important to mention that we have some cultural differences, as I am white and she is Hispanic. I do not want this issue to keep creating a wall between us that just makes both of us frustrated. Can you help? I'm out of answers...
Sad and Confused
Dear Sad and Confused,
It's not uncommon for partners to go through phases of discrepancy in their levels of sexual desire. My first bit of advice would be to speak with your physician to ensure there isn't a physical issue contributing to your decreased sex drive. Once that is ruled out, it may be helpful to look at other aspects of the relationship. I'm curious about the cultural factors you mentioned; do you suspect these may be contributing to the sexual discrepancy in some way, and if so, how? Are you and your partner directly communicating about your feelings, wants, and needs? Are the two of you able to spend quality time together that is positive in nature? Sometimes shoring up the emotional foundations of a relationship can help bring back the sexual piece.
Are you willing to begin some exploration of your own sexuality to see if you can reconnect with it, separate and aside from your partner? If so, consider the following questions:
*Are there times when you notice yourself having sexual thoughts and/or becoming aroused?
*If so, what brings them about? Visual stimuli? Touch? Fantasies? Is there a way to incorporate this into your relationship?
*If you don't notice yourself having sexual thoughts or becoming aroused, try exploring some of the above (visuals, masturbation, fantasies) to see if you can make your way back to your sexuality. It's almost certainly still there, you've just become disconnected from it. With a little effort, you can find it again!
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