Anal Beads

Dear Sarah,
I am in a relationship with a new sex partner who is a little more shy than I am. So far we have been able to talk openly about sexual topics, although she gets a bit nervous at times. I am an avid proponent of sex toys, and she admits she has never had much experience with them. I recently received a set of anal beads as a "free gift" with an online toy order, and I am very interested in trying them. Is this too much to ask? Should I start with something a little more mainstream? How can I bring this up without too much angst for either of us?

Playful

Dear Playful,
The fact that you and your new partner are talking openly is a great sign. It sounds like she is willing to press through her nervousness, which makes a positive statement. Many people are scared of the unknown, so if she hasn't had much experience with sex toys it makes sense she might have some reservations.

Anal beads are a series of small balls, usually graduated in size and attached together by some type of cord. The beads are inserted through the anus into the rectum and then removed at varying speeds, creating a pleasurable feeling as they pass through the anal sphincter. They are used by people of all genders and sexual orientations. While this type of activity may be unfamiliar to your new parner, anal play is practiced by many couples and is not considered a fetish. What would it be like to tell her directly about the anal beads, take a look at them together, and ask her for some feedback? If she's scared, the two of you can explore together what her fears are and come to some mutual understanding.

Female Ejaculation

Dear Sarah,
I have a concern I can't really talk about to anyone. I am a 43 year old woman and I think I may be having bladder control issues that are affecting my sex life. I experience a significant amount of leakage every time I have an orgasm that involves penetration from my partner. (It doesn't happen when I am masturbating.) I have had this problem for many years, and much of the time I just try to refrain from climaxing so I don't have to deal with the embarrassment. Obviously my self-consciousness around this has an effect on my enjoyment of sex, so I would like to figure out what to do about it. Can you help?

TC

Dear TC,
If you are not experiencing this sensation at times other than your description above, it sounds likely that you are describing female ejaculation rather than bladder control problems. Female ejaculation, or "squirting," refers to a woman's expulsion of noticeable amounts of clear fluid from the paraurethral ducts during or before orgasm. It is a relatively common occurrence, reportedly experienced at one time or another by 35-50% of women. The amount of fluid expelled can vary from an almost imperceptible amount to several milliliters of fluid, more than just your average "wet spot."

You stated you feel some embarrassment around this; what would it be like to talk openly with your partner about it? While you may view it as distasteful, your partner may in fact find it stimulating, and an added bonus to your sexual repertoire. In any case, refraining from having an orgasm doesn't seem like a viable long-term solution. If you continue to have trouble accepting this or any other part of your sexual self, you may want to consider talking to a sex therapist.