Dear Sarah,
My wife and I have been married for 5 years. We are in our mid-40's, and this is a second marriage for both of us. I think she is beautiful, and feel very physically attracted to her. However, she refuses to be naked in front of me. She goes into the bathroom and shuts the door to change clothes, and she won't let me come in when she is taking a shower or getting ready to go somewhere. Even when we have sex she keeps her clothes on until she is under the covers and/or makes sure it is completely dark in our bedroom so I can't see her. On the few occasions I have accidentally walked in while she is partially clothed she has an extreme reaction, screaming at me to get out and shut the door. To my knowledge there is nothing physically wrong with her that would warrant this level of secrecy. She is a bit overweight, and her skin is extremely pale, but I have never judged or criticized her for these things or even commented about them. I tell her daily she is beautiful.
When we were first together I assumed this was modesty that would go away once she got more comfortable with me. After more than 5 years, I'm starting to lose my patience. Not only would I like the option of making love to my wife without these restrictions, it hampers my daily life in significant ways. We share a bathroom, and it takes her at least 2 hours to get ready when we are going somewhere. This prevents me from accessing the shower, my toiletries, the commode, etc. I have tried to reason with her about it but she's not budging, and I'm feeling myself getting resentful. What can I do to remedy this situation?
W
Dear Dub,
I find myself wishing your wife had written, as advice to her makes more sense in this case. Sigh... It sounds like you have laid the groundwork for trust by reassuring her about your attraction to her. Trying to force the issue will only make things worse. That means no insisting to enter the bathroom while she's in there, no surprise flips of the light switch during sex. The issue is hers, and unless she chooses to explore it further (preferably with a licensed therapist) it will likely remain firmly in place. Trying to "fix" her or arguing with her about it will only leave you feeling more frustrated.
A note about hindsight: You stated this issue was present when you first started dating, and you assumed it would go away. This common assumption has been the demise of many a relationship. When you meet someone you're interested in, ask yourself, "Can I accept her/him EXACTLY as-is?" If the answer is no, you're better off not moving forward. If they make changes to accommodate you, the changes aren't likely to be real or permanent, and resentment will ensue. The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
Monday, January 25, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
To Share or Not To Share
Dear Sex Therapist,
My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. Our sex life has had its ups and downs, but lately we have been very compatible. Over the years he has asked me to do some things that made me uncomfortable. Sometimes I say yes and sometimes I don't, but he always seems to respect my decisions. For the past six months he has been asking me if I will have sex with another man while he watches. This seems weird to me, but I am not completely opposed to it. He says he doesn't have a specific person in mind, and he thinks we can find someone online. He prefers it to be someone young and very fit. (We are both in our late 30's and a few pounds overweight.) A part of me thinks this would be really exciting, but another part of me is scared there will be repercussions. What do you think?
Not Sure
Dear Not Sure,
Your husband's fantasy is a common one, though not all men admit this to their partners. The fact you're talking about it speaks well for your communication with one another. Trying something experimental can be a boost to the sex lives of many couples. Allowing yourselves to think outside the box and try new things is perfectly okay, unless it presents a moral or physical compromise to either party; then the price is too high. Additionally, bringing a 3rd party into the bedroom is sure to backfire if the two of you are not feeling 100%secure with one another.
If you decide to proceed, it's important for the two of you to agree on the terms, and to talk in advance about what's going to happen. This includes selecting the other person, making provisions for safe sex, choosing a location where the encounter will occur, and setting boundaries about which sexual behaviors you're okay with. I suggest you and your husband recap the session in private afterward before making a decision to schedule again with the 3rd party. It's also important to agree this encounter not be used as an emotional weapon by either of you down the road (i.e. "I can't believe you did that"/"I can't believe you asked me to do that"). It's an experiment, it could go either way!
My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. Our sex life has had its ups and downs, but lately we have been very compatible. Over the years he has asked me to do some things that made me uncomfortable. Sometimes I say yes and sometimes I don't, but he always seems to respect my decisions. For the past six months he has been asking me if I will have sex with another man while he watches. This seems weird to me, but I am not completely opposed to it. He says he doesn't have a specific person in mind, and he thinks we can find someone online. He prefers it to be someone young and very fit. (We are both in our late 30's and a few pounds overweight.) A part of me thinks this would be really exciting, but another part of me is scared there will be repercussions. What do you think?
Not Sure
Dear Not Sure,
Your husband's fantasy is a common one, though not all men admit this to their partners. The fact you're talking about it speaks well for your communication with one another. Trying something experimental can be a boost to the sex lives of many couples. Allowing yourselves to think outside the box and try new things is perfectly okay, unless it presents a moral or physical compromise to either party; then the price is too high. Additionally, bringing a 3rd party into the bedroom is sure to backfire if the two of you are not feeling 100%secure with one another.
If you decide to proceed, it's important for the two of you to agree on the terms, and to talk in advance about what's going to happen. This includes selecting the other person, making provisions for safe sex, choosing a location where the encounter will occur, and setting boundaries about which sexual behaviors you're okay with. I suggest you and your husband recap the session in private afterward before making a decision to schedule again with the 3rd party. It's also important to agree this encounter not be used as an emotional weapon by either of you down the road (i.e. "I can't believe you did that"/"I can't believe you asked me to do that"). It's an experiment, it could go either way!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Free Press
Dear Sex Therapist,
I have a sexual problem I have never discussed with anyone. I am married, and have always had "normal" sex with my wife. I ride a train to work every day, and most days it is crowded. Sometimes I press myself up against women that are standing next to me and I get really turned on. Sometimes I think I could actually cum in my pants if they would stand there long enough. Of course they have no idea I am doing this, at least I think they don't. Afterward I feel really dirty and guilty, but I still do it anyway. This has been happening since I was 16 and it happened at a concert. Since then I have looked for the chance to be in a crowd. Can I get in trouble for this? Am I a freak?
Embarrassed in NYC
Dear Embarrassed,
What you are describing is called frotteurism, defined as "the intentional rubbing up against or touching of another, usually unsuspecting, person for the purpose of sexual arousal." Because this is a non-consensual sexual act, it is considered a criminal offense and can result in legal penalties.
Aside from the legal aspect, though, it is important to realize you are actually victimizing the women on the train because you are doing this without their consent, something this Sex Therapist always frowns upon. Curtailing this behavior is an important and immediate step for you.
The desire itself, however, will likely remain. Is it possible you and your wife could incorporate this into some type of consensual sexual play? For example, you could press yourself against her on the train or at a concert, and she could pretend to be unsuspecting. If you are unable to stop the non-consensual behavior, please schedule an appointment with a therapist. You owe this to yourself and to the women you are victimizing.
If you have a question for the Sex Therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
I have a sexual problem I have never discussed with anyone. I am married, and have always had "normal" sex with my wife. I ride a train to work every day, and most days it is crowded. Sometimes I press myself up against women that are standing next to me and I get really turned on. Sometimes I think I could actually cum in my pants if they would stand there long enough. Of course they have no idea I am doing this, at least I think they don't. Afterward I feel really dirty and guilty, but I still do it anyway. This has been happening since I was 16 and it happened at a concert. Since then I have looked for the chance to be in a crowd. Can I get in trouble for this? Am I a freak?
Embarrassed in NYC
Dear Embarrassed,
What you are describing is called frotteurism, defined as "the intentional rubbing up against or touching of another, usually unsuspecting, person for the purpose of sexual arousal." Because this is a non-consensual sexual act, it is considered a criminal offense and can result in legal penalties.
Aside from the legal aspect, though, it is important to realize you are actually victimizing the women on the train because you are doing this without their consent, something this Sex Therapist always frowns upon. Curtailing this behavior is an important and immediate step for you.
The desire itself, however, will likely remain. Is it possible you and your wife could incorporate this into some type of consensual sexual play? For example, you could press yourself against her on the train or at a concert, and she could pretend to be unsuspecting. If you are unable to stop the non-consensual behavior, please schedule an appointment with a therapist. You owe this to yourself and to the women you are victimizing.
If you have a question for the Sex Therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
Monday, January 4, 2010
Fisting
Dear Sarah,
I am a 34 year old guy in a relationship that involves a very active sex life. Recently, in the middle of a really hot moment, my girlfriend asked me to put my entire fist inside her. I have obviously heard of this practice, but I've never even come close to putting it into practice. (Most of my previous sex partners seemed to get uncomfortable if I put more than 2 fingers inside them.) Is fisting safe? Is there anything I should know before moving forward with this? This isn't exactly a topic for happy hour conversation with my friends...
J
Dear J,
Maybe you should consider talking about it at happy hour with your friends and spicing up the conversation a bit. :) Fisting is a sexual activity that involves inserting a hand into the vagina or anus. Typically, fisting does not involve forcing a closed fist into these orifices. Instead, the fingers are kept straight and close together, forming a beak-like shape, and then closed into a fist once inserted. One of the main concerns with fisting is the tearing of tissue, so it's important to use plenty of lube. You may want to begin by experimenting slowly and gently in order to ensure you're moving forward at a pace that feels comfortable for both you and your partner.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
I am a 34 year old guy in a relationship that involves a very active sex life. Recently, in the middle of a really hot moment, my girlfriend asked me to put my entire fist inside her. I have obviously heard of this practice, but I've never even come close to putting it into practice. (Most of my previous sex partners seemed to get uncomfortable if I put more than 2 fingers inside them.) Is fisting safe? Is there anything I should know before moving forward with this? This isn't exactly a topic for happy hour conversation with my friends...
J
Dear J,
Maybe you should consider talking about it at happy hour with your friends and spicing up the conversation a bit. :) Fisting is a sexual activity that involves inserting a hand into the vagina or anus. Typically, fisting does not involve forcing a closed fist into these orifices. Instead, the fingers are kept straight and close together, forming a beak-like shape, and then closed into a fist once inserted. One of the main concerns with fisting is the tearing of tissue, so it's important to use plenty of lube. You may want to begin by experimenting slowly and gently in order to ensure you're moving forward at a pace that feels comfortable for both you and your partner.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
The Blog is Back!!
Ask the Sex Therapist has returned for 2010! Perplexed by something sexual and don't know who to ask? Submit your questions to sarah@sarahkyle.com to have them answered individually or via blog.
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