The Naked Truth

Dear Sarah,
My wife and I have been married for 5 years.  We are in our mid-40's, and this is a second marriage for both of us.  I think she is beautiful, and feel very physically attracted to her.  However, she refuses to be naked in front of me.  She goes into the bathroom and shuts the door to change clothes, and she won't let me come in when she is taking a shower or getting ready to go somewhere.  Even when we have sex she keeps her clothes on until she is under the covers and/or makes sure it is completely dark in our bedroom so I can't see her.  On the few occasions I have accidentally walked in while she is partially clothed she has an extreme reaction, screaming at me to get out and shut the door.  To my knowledge there is nothing physically wrong with her that would warrant this level of secrecy.  She is a bit overweight, and her skin is extremely pale, but I have never judged or criticized her for these things or even commented about them.  I tell her daily she is beautiful.

When we were first together I assumed this was modesty that would go away once she got more comfortable with me. After more than 5 years, I'm starting to lose my patience.  Not only would I like the option of making love to my wife without these restrictions, it hampers my daily life in significant ways.  We share a bathroom, and it takes her at least 2 hours to get ready when we are going somewhere.  This prevents me from accessing the shower, my toiletries, the commode, etc.  I have tried to reason with her about it but she's not budging, and I'm feeling myself getting resentful.  What can I do to remedy this situation?

W

Dear Dub,
I find myself wishing your wife had written, as advice to her makes more sense in this case.  Sigh...  It sounds like you have laid the groundwork for trust by reassuring her about your attraction to her.  Trying to force the issue will only make things worse.  That means no insisting to enter the bathroom while she's in there, no surprise flips of the light switch during sex.  The issue is hers, and unless she chooses to explore it further (preferably with a licensed therapist) it will likely remain firmly in place.  Trying to "fix" her or arguing with her about it will only leave you feeling more frustrated.

A note about hindsight:  You stated this issue was present when you first started dating, and you assumed it would go away.  This common assumption has been the demise of many a relationship.  When you meet someone you're interested in, ask yourself, "Can I accept her/him EXACTLY as-is?"  If the answer is no, you're better off not moving forward.  If they make changes to accommodate you, the changes aren't likely to be real or permanent, and resentment will ensue.  The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com