Lingerie and Domination

Dear Sarah,

I enjoy being dominated by women while I am dressed in women's clothing, but I feel like I am losing control of it. These days I won't even talk to a woman unless she is into that. I am not in a relationship and have not been in one for several years, yet every woman I meet that I have an attraction to I find a way to ask about this fetish of mine instead of taking things slowly and getting to know her first. As you can guess, this doesn't work very well for me. And every time I get money I find an escort to dress me up and dominate me, even if that money would be better used to pay bills. It has even gotten to the point that I often wear lingerie under my regular clothes. What can I do to regain control over this? I mean, at first it was fun to fantasize about every attractive woman I saw seeing me in lingerie and her taking control over me, but now those thoughts come to mind with women that I know I shouldn't have those thoughts about. For example, I have entertained the fantasy of wearing lingerie to a session with you, even though I know that would be way out of line and very inappropriate, but those thoughts are there. So, yes, I am a client of yours but have never discussed the sexual aspects of what troubles me. So I guess the last question should be, how do I discuss this with you during a session so that I can work through it?

Very Confused

Dear Confused,

Your fantasies about wearing lingerie and being dominated by a woman are common, and shared by lots of other guys. The reason you don’t hear them talking about it is the same reason they haven’t heard you: they think they’re the only ones and it’s scary to bring it up. My concern lies in the fact that these fantasies are now impeding your life and your relationships, a helpful measuring stick for many things (drinking, playing video games, gambling, surfing the net, watching TV). When something begins to interfere with the way we function in our lives, it’s time to make a change. You state you’re not able to relate to women outside this fantasy, and you’re spending money on escorts when it has been allocated for bills. These are good signs it’s time to talk to a professional about the sexual aspects of what’s troubling you.

You state you have entertained the fantasy of wearing lingerie to a therapy session. Transference is a process in which a client shifts feelings for outside people or situations onto his therapist. One common form of transference is to have sexual or romantic feelings toward your therapist. The therapeutic environment is a safe one because you can discuss any thoughts and feelings there without fear of judgment, and you can be assured the relationship will always remain professional. As for how to bring up the issue, I suggest you begin the session by stating you’re the person who wrote this letter and I’ll take it from there. :)

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.