Newlywedded Frustration

Hi Sarah,

I have been married for almost 3 months. I had been sexually active with my husband for about a year before we married, but I never really enjoyed having sex. He has not been able to make me come with vaginal penetration or by touching me; the few times he has was through oral sex. And he complains that it takes forever, so he doesn't volunteer to do it anymore. Even that hasn't been so pleasurable for me, because it feels awkward, silly, and I am nervous about taking too long to come. We bought a vibrator, and when I use it, I feel a lot of pressure to come quickly before he loses steam- it just feels like a chore. I have never been with anyone else besides him, so all my sexual fantasies and expectations came from movies. Real life is pretty disappointing in comparison. I came from a very sexually repressed religious household, as my parents never discussed sex and my mom would act extremely embarrassed if it ever came up. So, I masturbated a lot to sex scenes in movies and novels growing up. Later in college, I found that I was aroused when I heard other people (like roommates) having sex. This is related to my earlier sexual fantasies involving people other than me, in outside situations. Now, I mainly view sex as a way to be intimate and closer with my husband, since I don't feel that aroused around him like I do around the aforementioned stimuli. When we discussed this, he said he felt like he was just using me as a masturbatory tool, and felt like he failed every time, since I rarely ever came. What can I do to feel sexually aroused by my husband? Additionally, he wants me to dress up and act sexy, which I have no idea how to do. I'm somewhat of a tomboy, and lack femininity. Sexiness makes me uncomfortable and embarrassed, especially since I don't view myself as a sexual being. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks,
F

Dear F,

You’ve mentioned several different issues that would merit further exploration: feeling awkward and silly; taking “too long” to come; feeling aroused by hearing other people having sex; not feeling sexually aroused by your husband; not viewing yourself as a sexual being. The length of time it is taking you to orgasm may be a factor of the way you’re wired, the level of desire or arousal you are feeling when you begin to be sexual with your husband, or related to the techniques he is using. It sounds like a dynamic has been created between you and your husband in which you’re feeling self-conscious and he is feeling impatient. These two things will have a tendency to exacerbate one another. Is there a way the two of you can engage romantically that eliminates the pressure to “perform”? I recommend you begin with an exercise called Sensate Focus; you can find plenty of information about this on the internet or from talking with a sex therapist, which might be helpful for both of you.

I would also recommend you do some sexual discovery on your own. It sounds like it has been awhile since you explored what arouses you, separate and aside from your partner. Do those movies and novels still turn you on? What type of masturbation techniques do you enjoy most? Once you have found the answers to these questions you may be able to incorporate some of this into your sexual relationship with your husband. The fact that you have felt aroused by these things in the past is a good indication you are a sexual being, and there is a solution, so rest assured.

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.