Sexless II

Dear Sarah,


I have been married to my wife for 18 years and we have been a couple for nearly 21 years. For the past 5 years or so our marriage has become almost entirely platonic. This is not a drastic change from how I would characterize our sexual relationship from start to finish. We dated for three years before having sex and once married had sex maybe a few times a year at most. As the years have gone on it’s gone from very infrequent to almost nonexistent. We have sought marriage counseling and have been assured that these sexual issues lay in relationship issues. If we fixed our relationship then the sex will just happen. The problem is I think we have a very good relationship and we genuinely love and like each other. I’m at the point however that I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without ever having sex again. I’m not sure how to approach the subject without putting her in the situation of “I have to do it now “. I’m not at all interested in sex out of duty or obligation. It should be a choice and I want her to choose to want to be with me. What is the best way to approach this situation? I love and admire this woman and would never just leave her for not having sex with me. However, I fear someday I will pull a “John Edwards” in my desperate need to be validated as being worthy of desire and bring it all crashing down. Any advice would be appreciated.

Sexless II

Dear Sexless,

I’m so glad you’re writing before following in the footsteps of our esteemed politicians who have sought comfort outside their relationships! It sounds like you have a solid marriage aside from the sexual piece. Does your wife agree with your take on this, or are there relational issues that prevent her from feeling sexual toward you? If it is merely lack of desire, is she interested in addressing this issue for herself, or is she content with living the rest of her life in a sexless relationship? Would she be willing to explore the idea of finding out whether there might be stimuli that turn her on? If so, she may want to try reading or looking at erotic material, or perhaps experimenting with a vibrator. If she finds she is aroused by any of this, you can begin to incorporate it into your sexual relationship with one another. If the exploration doesn’t yield any positive results and she is willing to pursue it further, she can speak to a sex therapist to get to the root of the issue. Sex is an important component of partnership. If it is non-existent in yours, it is perfectly reasonable to ask your partner to explore ways you can both get your needs met in this area.

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.