Sexless in Seattle

Dear Sex Therapist,
I am a woman with a boyfriend that is somewhat older than me. He is a nice guy. We rarely argue and our relationship seems perfect in every sense except for sex. In the beginning, we had what I considered an average amount of sex. However I did notice that he was not very adventurous and would turn me down, for example, on blow jobs in the car (even when it was not moving and no one was around) which did strike me as odd. He seemed shy about sex; he's a nerdy guy. After the first 6-9 months the frequency of sex became less. As time rolled by it started to bother me and I felt unattractive and just not sexy. I work out a lot, and I've spent the last several years trying to improve my appearance. I’ve tried many things to spice up our sex life in the last year: make-up, hair changes, sexy outfits, and the ultimate "surprise blow job." I've even been turned down on blowjobs in bed! I got on birth control, thinking maybe that was it. I have tried to initiate on weekend mornings after we have slept in and had nothing else to do. We have sex less than 10 times a year, and even on vacations, holidays etc. there is no action for me. If I make a big deal of it, the next day or so he will make an effort to have intercourse for 15-20 minutes and then he pulls out without ejaculating, which just makes me feel worse. I am beginning to have a mental breakdown over this.

He's very uncomfortable talking about sex. I have told him his behavior makes me feel rejected and ugly. Recently he said that my talking about it makes it worse, and he doesn't want me to initiate all the time, which feels scary because he never initiates. He once admitted he hardly has interest in sex with anyone. I don't think he's cheating on me. I don't think he's gay but then there’s that sneaking suspicion that he might be. When we do have sex it is pretty obvious he isn't that into it because he never finishes. I've only seen him come once in the past 3 years. This has me very down and I feel it could be blooming into depression because I sit at work and cry almost daily wondering what to do. I don't want to end the relationship, but I also realize that I simply cannot live in a romantic relationship with someone who’s just not into me. I've never cheated on anyone, but at this point I almost feel justified. I am torn between being angry and blaming him and being hurt and blaming myself. I am torn between wanting to be with my soulmate and best friend, and the emerging realization that it may be time for me to move on. How can I marry and have a baby with a guy that seems incapable of ejaculating in me?
Sexless in Seattle

Dear Seattle,

My first concern is for your emotional well-being, as you state you are “beginning to have a mental breakdown,” you cry almost daily, and you feel you may be experiencing depressive symptoms. Please see a therapist and/or your family physician as soon as possible to discuss these issues!

As for your boyfriend’s lack of sexual desire, please stop blaming yourself and stop taking responsibility for this on his behalf. You have gone to great lengths to make your sexual relationship better to no avail. The ball is in his court. If he is not concerned about this aspect of his life, for himself, you cannot fix it for him. If he chooses to take no action, you must decide if you can accept him as he is and thereby accept the fact that you will have a virtually sexless relationship, or whether you need to move on.

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.