Dear Sex Therapist,
When I was dating my wife we had a very active adventurous sex life. We had sex daily (or more). We tried different positions. We had sex outdoors or in public places. We watched porn. We used sex toys. Now we have been married for about 3 years and everything has changed. She rarely if ever wants sex. When she does it is only in bed and only in one specific position (with her on top). When I ask her to try some of the things we used to do she just blows me off and says we're not in college anymore. I am really disappointed. Our sex life was one of the things that made me think I could be with her for the rest of my life. Is there a way I can get her back to the way she used to be?
Sad in San Jose
Dear Sad,
Your disappointment seems completely normal under the circumstances. You entered the relationship under one set of premises and now those have changed. It might be helpful to try to set your frustrations aside for a moment and become curious about what may have shifted with your wife. Look at it like a mystery, and you are trying to get to the bottom of it. Are you behaving differently toward her than you did when the two of you were dating? Are you keeping the romance alive by doing thoughtful things for her? Have any outside circumstances (i.e. job or financial stress, friendships, family relationships) changed for her? Try having an honest, open discussion that's not about getting her to change but instead about understanding where she's coming from. Women are much more likely to feel sexual when they are feeling emotionally connected to a partner, so that's a good place to start!
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Confidential to cd4w
Consensus among my readership is you're not real, but I say you are. I have a bet you will make yourself known before April 1. Don't make me lose! :)
SK
SK
Monday, March 8, 2010
Porn Problems
Dear Sarah,
For the past 2 years I have been bothered by my fiance's constant watching of pornography. In the beginning of our dating, I found out about his watching porn while I was in his apartment at bedtime. Instead of coming to bed with me, he would turn on his computer and watch porn. I let him know that this hurt me and he stopped doing it "behind my back" while I am in the apartment with him.
Now we are living together and I know he continues to watch porn. When he is home alone I know he watches it because of the history tabs on the internet. Also I know he will often stay up late watching pornography while I am asleep.
Lately I have been very busy and stressed and sex has not been a priority. I suppose my question is, should I be "hurt" by this consistent porn, as sometimes I feel he uses it as a replacement for our lovemaking. (We don't have sex too often, about once or twice a month.) Is it up to me to do something, or is this a more deep seated issue such as porn addiction that is coming between us? I have mentioned the porn on a couple of occasions, but he becomes very defensive and does not understand why it bothers me. He insists it's just entertaining and interesting for him to look at. I have tried to watch it with him and incorporate it into our love life hoping this may curtail his enthusiasm for it, but that does not seem to work either. He was sexually abused when he was a child and has had counseling for it, but states that he still has some "sex issues" that he knows he will always struggle with.
I love him dearly and want to solve this, it's just difficult when I know I can't compare or live up to the women in his porn films and the fantastical situations they are in.
Sincerely,
Hurt by Porn
Dear Hurt,
Your concern is a common one. Many women experience stress at the idea their partner is looking at porn. As for your question, "Should I be hurt by this?", I think we either feel hurt or we don't; there is no "should." I would challenge you to look inward and see if you can figure out the specific cause of your discomfort. Is it truly about the pornography, or is it about other things and you are drawing an inaccurate connection? You stated sex has not been a priority for you lately due to your own stress, then you stated your partner may be using porn as a substitute for making love with you. You also mentioned he doesn't come to bed with you because he is staying up late watching porn. What would happen if you addressed these issues separate and aside from the porn? "Honey, I would like to make love more often, and I would really love it if you came to bed with me"? If these needs were met would you be as concerned he was watching porn when you're not home? Another concern I heard was that you fear you cannot "live up to the women in his porn films." Is he making comparisons or complaining your love life isn't "fantastical" enough? If so, please discuss his expectations and let him know what you are and are not willing to do. He told you he has "sex issues" as a result of childhood abuse. Have you talked with him about the nature of these issues?
If watching pornography is interfering with his life and/or his relationships, your boyfriend may have an issue to address. However, this will happen most effectively if he comes to that decision on his own rather than being led (or dragged) there by you. Meanwhile, please continue to explore your own fears about the porn and talk with him about the ways his behavior may be crossing onto your side of the street (i.e. directly affecting you).
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
For the past 2 years I have been bothered by my fiance's constant watching of pornography. In the beginning of our dating, I found out about his watching porn while I was in his apartment at bedtime. Instead of coming to bed with me, he would turn on his computer and watch porn. I let him know that this hurt me and he stopped doing it "behind my back" while I am in the apartment with him.
Now we are living together and I know he continues to watch porn. When he is home alone I know he watches it because of the history tabs on the internet. Also I know he will often stay up late watching pornography while I am asleep.
Lately I have been very busy and stressed and sex has not been a priority. I suppose my question is, should I be "hurt" by this consistent porn, as sometimes I feel he uses it as a replacement for our lovemaking. (We don't have sex too often, about once or twice a month.) Is it up to me to do something, or is this a more deep seated issue such as porn addiction that is coming between us? I have mentioned the porn on a couple of occasions, but he becomes very defensive and does not understand why it bothers me. He insists it's just entertaining and interesting for him to look at. I have tried to watch it with him and incorporate it into our love life hoping this may curtail his enthusiasm for it, but that does not seem to work either. He was sexually abused when he was a child and has had counseling for it, but states that he still has some "sex issues" that he knows he will always struggle with.
I love him dearly and want to solve this, it's just difficult when I know I can't compare or live up to the women in his porn films and the fantastical situations they are in.
Sincerely,
Hurt by Porn
Dear Hurt,
Your concern is a common one. Many women experience stress at the idea their partner is looking at porn. As for your question, "Should I be hurt by this?", I think we either feel hurt or we don't; there is no "should." I would challenge you to look inward and see if you can figure out the specific cause of your discomfort. Is it truly about the pornography, or is it about other things and you are drawing an inaccurate connection? You stated sex has not been a priority for you lately due to your own stress, then you stated your partner may be using porn as a substitute for making love with you. You also mentioned he doesn't come to bed with you because he is staying up late watching porn. What would happen if you addressed these issues separate and aside from the porn? "Honey, I would like to make love more often, and I would really love it if you came to bed with me"? If these needs were met would you be as concerned he was watching porn when you're not home? Another concern I heard was that you fear you cannot "live up to the women in his porn films." Is he making comparisons or complaining your love life isn't "fantastical" enough? If so, please discuss his expectations and let him know what you are and are not willing to do. He told you he has "sex issues" as a result of childhood abuse. Have you talked with him about the nature of these issues?
If watching pornography is interfering with his life and/or his relationships, your boyfriend may have an issue to address. However, this will happen most effectively if he comes to that decision on his own rather than being led (or dragged) there by you. Meanwhile, please continue to explore your own fears about the porn and talk with him about the ways his behavior may be crossing onto your side of the street (i.e. directly affecting you).
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
Monday, March 1, 2010
Clean as a Whistle
Dear Sex Therapist,
Every time I have sex with my husband, I immediately get up and get into the shower when we're done. He complains about this, saying he wants to lie in bed and savor the moment. He is also self-conscious, wondering if he smells bad or makes me feel dirty. Sarah, he has really good hygiene! Something else you should know is we use condoms, so my need to shower isn't related to having semen inside me. I'm not sure why I feel the need to do this, but it is almost overwhelming at times. Even if we both shower right before we have sex I need to shower again right afterward. This issue is causing a real problem in my relationship. Can you help?
Cleanliness is Next to Godliness
Dear Clean,
You didn't mention your age, or whether you might have other compulsive behaviors that warrant attention. Please schedule an appointment with a licensed therapist who can help you find and address the root cause of this behavior. Meanwhile, I'm going to suggest you take a few minutes after sex to stay in the present moment and sit with the feeling of needing to get up and shower. Try and become very curious with yourself, getting to know the part of you that wants to get away. Your genuine curiosity may lead you to the answers about where the behavior is coming from. Those few seconds where you stay present after sex may turn into minutes, which may provide both you and your husband with the things you need.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
Every time I have sex with my husband, I immediately get up and get into the shower when we're done. He complains about this, saying he wants to lie in bed and savor the moment. He is also self-conscious, wondering if he smells bad or makes me feel dirty. Sarah, he has really good hygiene! Something else you should know is we use condoms, so my need to shower isn't related to having semen inside me. I'm not sure why I feel the need to do this, but it is almost overwhelming at times. Even if we both shower right before we have sex I need to shower again right afterward. This issue is causing a real problem in my relationship. Can you help?
Cleanliness is Next to Godliness
Dear Clean,
You didn't mention your age, or whether you might have other compulsive behaviors that warrant attention. Please schedule an appointment with a licensed therapist who can help you find and address the root cause of this behavior. Meanwhile, I'm going to suggest you take a few minutes after sex to stay in the present moment and sit with the feeling of needing to get up and shower. Try and become very curious with yourself, getting to know the part of you that wants to get away. Your genuine curiosity may lead you to the answers about where the behavior is coming from. Those few seconds where you stay present after sex may turn into minutes, which may provide both you and your husband with the things you need.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
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