Dear Sex Therapist,
When I was dating my wife we had a very active adventurous sex life.  We had sex daily (or more).  We tried different positions.  We had sex outdoors or in public places.  We watched porn.  We used sex toys.  Now we have been married for about 3 years and everything has changed.  She rarely if ever wants sex.  When she does it is only in bed and only in one specific position (with her on top).  When I ask her to try some of the things we used to do she just blows me off and says we're not in college anymore.  I am really disappointed.  Our sex life was one of the things that made me think I could be with her for the rest of my life.  Is there a way I can get her back to the way she used to be?

Sad in San Jose

Dear Sad,
Your disappointment seems completely normal under the circumstances.  You entered the relationship under one set of premises and now those have changed.  It might be helpful to try to set your frustrations aside for a moment and become curious about what may have shifted with your wife.  Look at it like a mystery, and you are trying to get to the bottom of it.  Are you behaving differently toward her than you did when the two of you were dating?  Are you keeping the romance alive by doing thoughtful things for her?  Have any outside circumstances (i.e. job or financial stress, friendships, family relationships) changed for her?  Try having an honest, open discussion that's not about getting her to change but instead about understanding where she's coming from.  Women are much more likely to feel sexual when they are feeling emotionally connected to a partner, so that's a good place to start!

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.