Porn Problems

Dear Sarah,

For the past 2 years I have been bothered by my fiance's constant watching of pornography. In the beginning of our dating, I found out about his watching porn while I was in his apartment at bedtime. Instead of coming to bed with me, he would turn on his computer and watch porn. I let him know that this hurt me and he stopped doing it "behind my back" while I am in the apartment with him.

Now we are living together and I know he continues to watch porn. When he is home alone I know he watches it because of the history tabs on the internet. Also I know he will often stay up late watching pornography while I am asleep.

Lately I have been very busy and stressed and sex has not been a priority. I suppose my question is, should I be "hurt" by this consistent porn, as sometimes I feel he uses it as a replacement for our lovemaking. (We don't have sex too often, about once or twice a month.)  Is it up to me to do something, or is this a more deep seated issue such as porn addiction that is coming between us? I have mentioned the porn on a couple of occasions, but he becomes very defensive and does not understand why it bothers me. He insists it's just entertaining and interesting for him to look at. I have tried to watch it with him and incorporate it into our love life hoping this may curtail his enthusiasm for it, but that does not seem to work either. He was sexually abused when he was a child and has had counseling for it, but states that he still has some "sex issues" that he knows he will always struggle with.

I love him dearly and want to solve this, it's just difficult when I know I can't compare or live up to the women in his porn films and the fantastical situations they are in.

Sincerely,
Hurt by Porn

Dear Hurt,
Your concern is a common one.  Many women experience stress at the idea their partner is looking at porn.  As for your question, "Should I be hurt by this?", I think we either feel hurt or we don't; there is no "should."  I would challenge you to look inward and see if you can figure out the specific cause of your discomfort.  Is it truly about the pornography, or is it about other things and you are drawing an inaccurate connection? You stated sex has not been a priority for you lately due to your own stress, then you stated your partner may be using porn as a substitute for making love with you.  You also mentioned he doesn't come to bed with you because he is staying up late watching porn.  What would happen if you addressed these issues separate and aside from the porn?  "Honey, I would like to make love more often, and I would really love it if you came to bed with me"?  If these needs were met would you be as concerned he was watching porn when you're not home?  Another concern I heard was that you fear you cannot "live up to the women in his porn films."  Is he making comparisons or complaining your love life isn't "fantastical" enough?  If so, please discuss his expectations and let him know what you are and are not willing to do.  He told you he has "sex issues" as a result of childhood abuse.  Have you talked with him about the nature of these issues?

If watching pornography is interfering with his life and/or his relationships, your boyfriend may have an issue to address.  However, this will happen most effectively if he comes to that decision on his own rather than being led (or dragged) there by you.  Meanwhile, please continue to explore your own fears about the porn and talk with him about the ways his behavior may be crossing onto your side of the street (i.e. directly affecting you).

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com