Old Maid

Dear Sarah,
I'm a woman in my late 20s, fairly satisfied with my career, my friendships, and life in general, but I have one horrible secret: I've never had sex. I am kind of a plain Jane, but I don't think I'm totally unattractive or anything. I've dated several guys, a couple of them semi-seriously. I've been attracted to them, and maybe even in love or close to it a couple times, but I have never felt OK with having sex. I was abused when I was a kid; I know that has something (or a lot) to do with it. When I get close to a man, even one I genuinely like, I start to panic and have this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to die. I know it's not logical at all, but just making out brings on that much stress. I can't even imagine trying to have sex! I saw a therapist for several years in my early/mid twenties and we talked about this, but she basically said she couldn't help me at all in this area until I was actually in a relationship where I was having sex or planning to have sex, which seems so impossible. (She was really helpful in other ways, and I feel way less traumatized and depressed from the abuse after doing that work.) I have a couple other friends who were abused, and while they had some issues with sex at first, they haven't seemed to struggle like I have. Now that I'm nearing 30, I feel hopeless and like I'll probably be alone the rest of my life. Am I a complete lost cause?


Thanks,
Doomed to be a cat lady

Dear CL,
First of all, never having had sex is hardly a "horrible secret," so please don't beat yourself up about this.  Your issue is a commom one.  Childhood sexual abuse, due to the associated feelings of shame and loss of control, often leads to difficulty in adult sexual relationships.  It makes sense you would feel stress from making out due to fear this might lead to a sexual encounter.  Your only previous sexualized experiences were not consensual in nature, therefore it is normal to fear future encounters might be the same. The good news is, this is a workable situation and there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Your friends may have dealt with their abuse differently because the abuse itself was different from yours, or because your friends have different emotional makeups than you.  I'm glad your previous therapy was helpful in reducing your trauma and depressive symptoms related to the abuse.  I differ in opinion from your therapist, though, in believing you can work on this issue whether or not you are currently involved in a romantic relationship.  I encourage you to seek additional therapy with someone who feels this way as well.  Please don't acquire any additional cats; you are absolutely not a lost cause!

SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, submit it via email at sarah@sarahkyle.com