Dear Sarah,
I have been married to my wife for 18 years and we have been a couple for nearly 21 years. For the past 5 years or so our marriage has become almost entirely platonic. This is not a drastic change from how I would characterize our sexual relationship from start to finish. We dated for three years before having sex and once married had sex maybe a few times a year at most. As the years have gone on it’s gone from very infrequent to almost nonexistent. We have sought marriage counseling and have been assured that these sexual issues lay in relationship issues. If we fixed our relationship then the sex will just happen. The problem is I think we have a very good relationship and we genuinely love and like each other. I’m at the point however that I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without ever having sex again. I’m not sure how to approach the subject without putting her in the situation of “I have to do it now “. I’m not at all interested in sex out of duty or obligation. It should be a choice and I want her to choose to want to be with me. What is the best way to approach this situation? I love and admire this woman and would never just leave her for not having sex with me. However, I fear someday I will pull a “John Edwards” in my desperate need to be validated as being worthy of desire and bring it all crashing down. Any advice would be appreciated.
Sexless II
Dear Sexless,
I’m so glad you’re writing before following in the footsteps of our esteemed politicians who have sought comfort outside their relationships! It sounds like you have a solid marriage aside from the sexual piece. Does your wife agree with your take on this, or are there relational issues that prevent her from feeling sexual toward you? If it is merely lack of desire, is she interested in addressing this issue for herself, or is she content with living the rest of her life in a sexless relationship? Would she be willing to explore the idea of finding out whether there might be stimuli that turn her on? If so, she may want to try reading or looking at erotic material, or perhaps experimenting with a vibrator. If she finds she is aroused by any of this, you can begin to incorporate it into your sexual relationship with one another. If the exploration doesn’t yield any positive results and she is willing to pursue it further, she can speak to a sex therapist to get to the root of the issue. Sex is an important component of partnership. If it is non-existent in yours, it is perfectly reasonable to ask your partner to explore ways you can both get your needs met in this area.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Sexless in Seattle
Dear Sex Therapist,
I am a woman with a boyfriend that is somewhat older than me. He is a nice guy. We rarely argue and our relationship seems perfect in every sense except for sex. In the beginning, we had what I considered an average amount of sex. However I did notice that he was not very adventurous and would turn me down, for example, on blow jobs in the car (even when it was not moving and no one was around) which did strike me as odd. He seemed shy about sex; he's a nerdy guy. After the first 6-9 months the frequency of sex became less. As time rolled by it started to bother me and I felt unattractive and just not sexy. I work out a lot, and I've spent the last several years trying to improve my appearance. I’ve tried many things to spice up our sex life in the last year: make-up, hair changes, sexy outfits, and the ultimate "surprise blow job." I've even been turned down on blowjobs in bed! I got on birth control, thinking maybe that was it. I have tried to initiate on weekend mornings after we have slept in and had nothing else to do. We have sex less than 10 times a year, and even on vacations, holidays etc. there is no action for me. If I make a big deal of it, the next day or so he will make an effort to have intercourse for 15-20 minutes and then he pulls out without ejaculating, which just makes me feel worse. I am beginning to have a mental breakdown over this.
He's very uncomfortable talking about sex. I have told him his behavior makes me feel rejected and ugly. Recently he said that my talking about it makes it worse, and he doesn't want me to initiate all the time, which feels scary because he never initiates. He once admitted he hardly has interest in sex with anyone. I don't think he's cheating on me. I don't think he's gay but then there’s that sneaking suspicion that he might be. When we do have sex it is pretty obvious he isn't that into it because he never finishes. I've only seen him come once in the past 3 years. This has me very down and I feel it could be blooming into depression because I sit at work and cry almost daily wondering what to do. I don't want to end the relationship, but I also realize that I simply cannot live in a romantic relationship with someone who’s just not into me. I've never cheated on anyone, but at this point I almost feel justified. I am torn between being angry and blaming him and being hurt and blaming myself. I am torn between wanting to be with my soulmate and best friend, and the emerging realization that it may be time for me to move on. How can I marry and have a baby with a guy that seems incapable of ejaculating in me?
Sexless in Seattle
Dear Seattle,
My first concern is for your emotional well-being, as you state you are “beginning to have a mental breakdown,” you cry almost daily, and you feel you may be experiencing depressive symptoms. Please see a therapist and/or your family physician as soon as possible to discuss these issues!
As for your boyfriend’s lack of sexual desire, please stop blaming yourself and stop taking responsibility for this on his behalf. You have gone to great lengths to make your sexual relationship better to no avail. The ball is in his court. If he is not concerned about this aspect of his life, for himself, you cannot fix it for him. If he chooses to take no action, you must decide if you can accept him as he is and thereby accept the fact that you will have a virtually sexless relationship, or whether you need to move on.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
I am a woman with a boyfriend that is somewhat older than me. He is a nice guy. We rarely argue and our relationship seems perfect in every sense except for sex. In the beginning, we had what I considered an average amount of sex. However I did notice that he was not very adventurous and would turn me down, for example, on blow jobs in the car (even when it was not moving and no one was around) which did strike me as odd. He seemed shy about sex; he's a nerdy guy. After the first 6-9 months the frequency of sex became less. As time rolled by it started to bother me and I felt unattractive and just not sexy. I work out a lot, and I've spent the last several years trying to improve my appearance. I’ve tried many things to spice up our sex life in the last year: make-up, hair changes, sexy outfits, and the ultimate "surprise blow job." I've even been turned down on blowjobs in bed! I got on birth control, thinking maybe that was it. I have tried to initiate on weekend mornings after we have slept in and had nothing else to do. We have sex less than 10 times a year, and even on vacations, holidays etc. there is no action for me. If I make a big deal of it, the next day or so he will make an effort to have intercourse for 15-20 minutes and then he pulls out without ejaculating, which just makes me feel worse. I am beginning to have a mental breakdown over this.
He's very uncomfortable talking about sex. I have told him his behavior makes me feel rejected and ugly. Recently he said that my talking about it makes it worse, and he doesn't want me to initiate all the time, which feels scary because he never initiates. He once admitted he hardly has interest in sex with anyone. I don't think he's cheating on me. I don't think he's gay but then there’s that sneaking suspicion that he might be. When we do have sex it is pretty obvious he isn't that into it because he never finishes. I've only seen him come once in the past 3 years. This has me very down and I feel it could be blooming into depression because I sit at work and cry almost daily wondering what to do. I don't want to end the relationship, but I also realize that I simply cannot live in a romantic relationship with someone who’s just not into me. I've never cheated on anyone, but at this point I almost feel justified. I am torn between being angry and blaming him and being hurt and blaming myself. I am torn between wanting to be with my soulmate and best friend, and the emerging realization that it may be time for me to move on. How can I marry and have a baby with a guy that seems incapable of ejaculating in me?
Sexless in Seattle
Dear Seattle,
My first concern is for your emotional well-being, as you state you are “beginning to have a mental breakdown,” you cry almost daily, and you feel you may be experiencing depressive symptoms. Please see a therapist and/or your family physician as soon as possible to discuss these issues!
As for your boyfriend’s lack of sexual desire, please stop blaming yourself and stop taking responsibility for this on his behalf. You have gone to great lengths to make your sexual relationship better to no avail. The ball is in his court. If he is not concerned about this aspect of his life, for himself, you cannot fix it for him. If he chooses to take no action, you must decide if you can accept him as he is and thereby accept the fact that you will have a virtually sexless relationship, or whether you need to move on.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Newlywedded Frustration
Hi Sarah,
I have been married for almost 3 months. I had been sexually active with my husband for about a year before we married, but I never really enjoyed having sex. He has not been able to make me come with vaginal penetration or by touching me; the few times he has was through oral sex. And he complains that it takes forever, so he doesn't volunteer to do it anymore. Even that hasn't been so pleasurable for me, because it feels awkward, silly, and I am nervous about taking too long to come. We bought a vibrator, and when I use it, I feel a lot of pressure to come quickly before he loses steam- it just feels like a chore. I have never been with anyone else besides him, so all my sexual fantasies and expectations came from movies. Real life is pretty disappointing in comparison. I came from a very sexually repressed religious household, as my parents never discussed sex and my mom would act extremely embarrassed if it ever came up. So, I masturbated a lot to sex scenes in movies and novels growing up. Later in college, I found that I was aroused when I heard other people (like roommates) having sex. This is related to my earlier sexual fantasies involving people other than me, in outside situations. Now, I mainly view sex as a way to be intimate and closer with my husband, since I don't feel that aroused around him like I do around the aforementioned stimuli. When we discussed this, he said he felt like he was just using me as a masturbatory tool, and felt like he failed every time, since I rarely ever came. What can I do to feel sexually aroused by my husband? Additionally, he wants me to dress up and act sexy, which I have no idea how to do. I'm somewhat of a tomboy, and lack femininity. Sexiness makes me uncomfortable and embarrassed, especially since I don't view myself as a sexual being. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Thanks,
F
Dear F,
You’ve mentioned several different issues that would merit further exploration: feeling awkward and silly; taking “too long” to come; feeling aroused by hearing other people having sex; not feeling sexually aroused by your husband; not viewing yourself as a sexual being. The length of time it is taking you to orgasm may be a factor of the way you’re wired, the level of desire or arousal you are feeling when you begin to be sexual with your husband, or related to the techniques he is using. It sounds like a dynamic has been created between you and your husband in which you’re feeling self-conscious and he is feeling impatient. These two things will have a tendency to exacerbate one another. Is there a way the two of you can engage romantically that eliminates the pressure to “perform”? I recommend you begin with an exercise called Sensate Focus; you can find plenty of information about this on the internet or from talking with a sex therapist, which might be helpful for both of you.
I would also recommend you do some sexual discovery on your own. It sounds like it has been awhile since you explored what arouses you, separate and aside from your partner. Do those movies and novels still turn you on? What type of masturbation techniques do you enjoy most? Once you have found the answers to these questions you may be able to incorporate some of this into your sexual relationship with your husband. The fact that you have felt aroused by these things in the past is a good indication you are a sexual being, and there is a solution, so rest assured.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
I have been married for almost 3 months. I had been sexually active with my husband for about a year before we married, but I never really enjoyed having sex. He has not been able to make me come with vaginal penetration or by touching me; the few times he has was through oral sex. And he complains that it takes forever, so he doesn't volunteer to do it anymore. Even that hasn't been so pleasurable for me, because it feels awkward, silly, and I am nervous about taking too long to come. We bought a vibrator, and when I use it, I feel a lot of pressure to come quickly before he loses steam- it just feels like a chore. I have never been with anyone else besides him, so all my sexual fantasies and expectations came from movies. Real life is pretty disappointing in comparison. I came from a very sexually repressed religious household, as my parents never discussed sex and my mom would act extremely embarrassed if it ever came up. So, I masturbated a lot to sex scenes in movies and novels growing up. Later in college, I found that I was aroused when I heard other people (like roommates) having sex. This is related to my earlier sexual fantasies involving people other than me, in outside situations. Now, I mainly view sex as a way to be intimate and closer with my husband, since I don't feel that aroused around him like I do around the aforementioned stimuli. When we discussed this, he said he felt like he was just using me as a masturbatory tool, and felt like he failed every time, since I rarely ever came. What can I do to feel sexually aroused by my husband? Additionally, he wants me to dress up and act sexy, which I have no idea how to do. I'm somewhat of a tomboy, and lack femininity. Sexiness makes me uncomfortable and embarrassed, especially since I don't view myself as a sexual being. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Thanks,
F
Dear F,
You’ve mentioned several different issues that would merit further exploration: feeling awkward and silly; taking “too long” to come; feeling aroused by hearing other people having sex; not feeling sexually aroused by your husband; not viewing yourself as a sexual being. The length of time it is taking you to orgasm may be a factor of the way you’re wired, the level of desire or arousal you are feeling when you begin to be sexual with your husband, or related to the techniques he is using. It sounds like a dynamic has been created between you and your husband in which you’re feeling self-conscious and he is feeling impatient. These two things will have a tendency to exacerbate one another. Is there a way the two of you can engage romantically that eliminates the pressure to “perform”? I recommend you begin with an exercise called Sensate Focus; you can find plenty of information about this on the internet or from talking with a sex therapist, which might be helpful for both of you.
I would also recommend you do some sexual discovery on your own. It sounds like it has been awhile since you explored what arouses you, separate and aside from your partner. Do those movies and novels still turn you on? What type of masturbation techniques do you enjoy most? Once you have found the answers to these questions you may be able to incorporate some of this into your sexual relationship with your husband. The fact that you have felt aroused by these things in the past is a good indication you are a sexual being, and there is a solution, so rest assured.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Lingerie and Domination
Dear Sarah,
I enjoy being dominated by women while I am dressed in women's clothing, but I feel like I am losing control of it. These days I won't even talk to a woman unless she is into that. I am not in a relationship and have not been in one for several years, yet every woman I meet that I have an attraction to I find a way to ask about this fetish of mine instead of taking things slowly and getting to know her first. As you can guess, this doesn't work very well for me. And every time I get money I find an escort to dress me up and dominate me, even if that money would be better used to pay bills. It has even gotten to the point that I often wear lingerie under my regular clothes. What can I do to regain control over this? I mean, at first it was fun to fantasize about every attractive woman I saw seeing me in lingerie and her taking control over me, but now those thoughts come to mind with women that I know I shouldn't have those thoughts about. For example, I have entertained the fantasy of wearing lingerie to a session with you, even though I know that would be way out of line and very inappropriate, but those thoughts are there. So, yes, I am a client of yours but have never discussed the sexual aspects of what troubles me. So I guess the last question should be, how do I discuss this with you during a session so that I can work through it?
Very Confused
Dear Confused,
Your fantasies about wearing lingerie and being dominated by a woman are common, and shared by lots of other guys. The reason you don’t hear them talking about it is the same reason they haven’t heard you: they think they’re the only ones and it’s scary to bring it up. My concern lies in the fact that these fantasies are now impeding your life and your relationships, a helpful measuring stick for many things (drinking, playing video games, gambling, surfing the net, watching TV). When something begins to interfere with the way we function in our lives, it’s time to make a change. You state you’re not able to relate to women outside this fantasy, and you’re spending money on escorts when it has been allocated for bills. These are good signs it’s time to talk to a professional about the sexual aspects of what’s troubling you.
You state you have entertained the fantasy of wearing lingerie to a therapy session. Transference is a process in which a client shifts feelings for outside people or situations onto his therapist. One common form of transference is to have sexual or romantic feelings toward your therapist. The therapeutic environment is a safe one because you can discuss any thoughts and feelings there without fear of judgment, and you can be assured the relationship will always remain professional. As for how to bring up the issue, I suggest you begin the session by stating you’re the person who wrote this letter and I’ll take it from there. :)
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
I enjoy being dominated by women while I am dressed in women's clothing, but I feel like I am losing control of it. These days I won't even talk to a woman unless she is into that. I am not in a relationship and have not been in one for several years, yet every woman I meet that I have an attraction to I find a way to ask about this fetish of mine instead of taking things slowly and getting to know her first. As you can guess, this doesn't work very well for me. And every time I get money I find an escort to dress me up and dominate me, even if that money would be better used to pay bills. It has even gotten to the point that I often wear lingerie under my regular clothes. What can I do to regain control over this? I mean, at first it was fun to fantasize about every attractive woman I saw seeing me in lingerie and her taking control over me, but now those thoughts come to mind with women that I know I shouldn't have those thoughts about. For example, I have entertained the fantasy of wearing lingerie to a session with you, even though I know that would be way out of line and very inappropriate, but those thoughts are there. So, yes, I am a client of yours but have never discussed the sexual aspects of what troubles me. So I guess the last question should be, how do I discuss this with you during a session so that I can work through it?
Very Confused
Dear Confused,
Your fantasies about wearing lingerie and being dominated by a woman are common, and shared by lots of other guys. The reason you don’t hear them talking about it is the same reason they haven’t heard you: they think they’re the only ones and it’s scary to bring it up. My concern lies in the fact that these fantasies are now impeding your life and your relationships, a helpful measuring stick for many things (drinking, playing video games, gambling, surfing the net, watching TV). When something begins to interfere with the way we function in our lives, it’s time to make a change. You state you’re not able to relate to women outside this fantasy, and you’re spending money on escorts when it has been allocated for bills. These are good signs it’s time to talk to a professional about the sexual aspects of what’s troubling you.
You state you have entertained the fantasy of wearing lingerie to a therapy session. Transference is a process in which a client shifts feelings for outside people or situations onto his therapist. One common form of transference is to have sexual or romantic feelings toward your therapist. The therapeutic environment is a safe one because you can discuss any thoughts and feelings there without fear of judgment, and you can be assured the relationship will always remain professional. As for how to bring up the issue, I suggest you begin the session by stating you’re the person who wrote this letter and I’ll take it from there. :)
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Lost
Dear Sarah,
I have had a casual sexual relationship with a guy down the street for the past 3 months. Using protection has always been a high priority for both of us. A few days after we had sex last time, I discovered a condom had been left inside me. This has created a whole host of questions. Could I be pregnant and/or have an STD? Do I have a right to be angry about this? Because I find myself wanting to rip him a new one. Whose responsibility was it to make sure the condom didn't get left behind? Should I acknowledge any of this to him, and if so, how?
Pissed Off in Pittsburg
Dear Pittsburg,
Your fears and concerns are valid. A good first step is to schedule an appointment with your health care provider for pregnancy and STD tests in order to put your mind at ease. As for your "right" to be angry, anger is just a feeling. Anyone has a right to feel whatever emotions are coming up at any given time. How you behave around that anger is a different matter, so ripping him a new one isn't an option. The responsibility for ensuring the condom isn't still inside belongs to both of you. Stay aware and make sure whatever goes in also comes out. There are some advantages to discussing this with him. First of all, it opens the lines of communication, which can better your sex life should you continue to engage with him. Second, it allows him to gain awareness about what happened so he can prevent this from occurring in future sexual encounters.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
I have had a casual sexual relationship with a guy down the street for the past 3 months. Using protection has always been a high priority for both of us. A few days after we had sex last time, I discovered a condom had been left inside me. This has created a whole host of questions. Could I be pregnant and/or have an STD? Do I have a right to be angry about this? Because I find myself wanting to rip him a new one. Whose responsibility was it to make sure the condom didn't get left behind? Should I acknowledge any of this to him, and if so, how?
Pissed Off in Pittsburg
Dear Pittsburg,
Your fears and concerns are valid. A good first step is to schedule an appointment with your health care provider for pregnancy and STD tests in order to put your mind at ease. As for your "right" to be angry, anger is just a feeling. Anyone has a right to feel whatever emotions are coming up at any given time. How you behave around that anger is a different matter, so ripping him a new one isn't an option. The responsibility for ensuring the condom isn't still inside belongs to both of you. Stay aware and make sure whatever goes in also comes out. There are some advantages to discussing this with him. First of all, it opens the lines of communication, which can better your sex life should you continue to engage with him. Second, it allows him to gain awareness about what happened so he can prevent this from occurring in future sexual encounters.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
Monday, February 8, 2010
All Tied Up
Dear Sex Therapist,
I have a recurring fantasy I am kind of embarrassed about. I want my girlfriend to tie me to the bed and give me a hand job. I get turned on by the idea of being bound and unable to move while I am being sexually stimulated. I have watched some porn that involves a dominatrix, and I am completely aroused by this. I don't know if my girlfriend would be willing to participate, and I'm too shy to ask. I should mention that I am the CEO of a large corporation, and I'm always in the position of being in charge. Am I completely abnormal?
Boss Man
Dear Boss Man,
Your fantasies are completely normal. It is common to fantasize about things and situations that are not part of our everyday lives. If you are "always in the position of being in charge," it makes perfect sense you would be turned on by the idea of getting a break from this role.
BDSM (Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism) is relatively common in sexual relationships. These concepts are based on the idea that partners take on deliberately unequal but complementary roles in an eroticised context. The Top or Dominant partner exhibits some form of physical and/or emotional control over the Bottom or Submissive partner.
As for talking with your girlfriend, honesty is the best policy here. Do some reading, let her know what you're thinking, give her space to process the information, and see if she's open to exploring.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
I have a recurring fantasy I am kind of embarrassed about. I want my girlfriend to tie me to the bed and give me a hand job. I get turned on by the idea of being bound and unable to move while I am being sexually stimulated. I have watched some porn that involves a dominatrix, and I am completely aroused by this. I don't know if my girlfriend would be willing to participate, and I'm too shy to ask. I should mention that I am the CEO of a large corporation, and I'm always in the position of being in charge. Am I completely abnormal?
Boss Man
Dear Boss Man,
Your fantasies are completely normal. It is common to fantasize about things and situations that are not part of our everyday lives. If you are "always in the position of being in charge," it makes perfect sense you would be turned on by the idea of getting a break from this role.
BDSM (Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism) is relatively common in sexual relationships. These concepts are based on the idea that partners take on deliberately unequal but complementary roles in an eroticised context. The Top or Dominant partner exhibits some form of physical and/or emotional control over the Bottom or Submissive partner.
As for talking with your girlfriend, honesty is the best policy here. Do some reading, let her know what you're thinking, give her space to process the information, and see if she's open to exploring.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
Monday, February 1, 2010
Open to Questions?
Dear Sarah,
Please help settle an ongoing argument between my wife and me. When we are making love, I sometimes ask her what she wants me to do to her sexually. This infuriates her! She tells me after all these years I shouldn't have to ask, and she says it ruins the mood when I do. My point of view is, I genuinely want to please her. If she tells me what feels good I know I'm getting it right. Should I stop asking?
CW
Dear CW,
It's okay to ask. It shows you are interested in making her feel good. Direct and open communication is one of the best vehicles to creating and maintaining a satisfying sex life. However, before you ask, make sure you are paying attention to her non-verbal cues. Her breathing, muscle tautness, body movements, and moans will generally let you know whether you're on the right track. If she doesn't normally provide you with any of these signals, try talking to her about her sexual desires when the two of you are outside the bedroom.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
Please help settle an ongoing argument between my wife and me. When we are making love, I sometimes ask her what she wants me to do to her sexually. This infuriates her! She tells me after all these years I shouldn't have to ask, and she says it ruins the mood when I do. My point of view is, I genuinely want to please her. If she tells me what feels good I know I'm getting it right. Should I stop asking?
CW
Dear CW,
It's okay to ask. It shows you are interested in making her feel good. Direct and open communication is one of the best vehicles to creating and maintaining a satisfying sex life. However, before you ask, make sure you are paying attention to her non-verbal cues. Her breathing, muscle tautness, body movements, and moans will generally let you know whether you're on the right track. If she doesn't normally provide you with any of these signals, try talking to her about her sexual desires when the two of you are outside the bedroom.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
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