Dear Sarah,
I've been married to my wife for 7 years now.  Its a second marriage for both of us, we're both in our mid 30s.  I really love her and she says she really loves me.  

I found this email to a friend of hers basically saying she had ex-boyfriend(s) that were better in bed, and pretty much trashing my performance, penis size, etc.  When I asked her about it her basic answer was, "Well, you were never supposed to see that".  That doesn't make me feel any better.  I've asked what I can do to make it to the top of her list performance-wise so she isn't spending our marriage fantasizing about old boyfriends.  She basically won't respond.  This says to me that she doesn't think its possible.

She tearfully assures me that she loves me and values our relationship above any previous one, but tacitly acknowledges that I will never be her best-ever sexual encounter.  In trying to comfort me, she said she'd love me and stay with me even if my penis fell off.  Great, she thinks I might as well have no penis at all. I tried explaining to her how important it is to me that I be on the top of her list; I just need to understand what that would require.  I am in better physical shape now than I've ever been; I work out all the time.  

I'm reaching the point where I'm depressed and feel like I'm just flat incapable of satisfying her regardless of what I'm willing to do.  I really don't feel good about being with someone who is just settling for me because I'm a nice guy, a good provider and I treat her and her kids well, but she still secretly has contempt for our sex life.  I'm actually so demoralized at this point that I feel like even if I was single again, I wouldn't bother trying to have another relationship since it too would inevitably suffer from the same problem.


Not Enough


Dear Enough,
Your tendency to compare yourself and your performance to your wife's previous lovers is a common one.  Men often have self-judgment about sex (and money) that their female counterparts do not.  


I'm not sure how you "found" this email.  If you were violating her privacy, you learned a valuable lesson about doing so:  Snooping into someone's personal information often results in learning things you don't really want to know.  There was a reason she chose not to share this with you, and you likely would have been better off without the knowledge.  Additionally, this violation undermines trust which can have a negative impact on your relationship.


That said, now you have the information, so what next?  I want to challenge you to think about why it is important for you to "make it to the top of her list".  You are focusing on a part of the story that's basically irrelevant when you say you "will never be her best-ever sexual encounter."  Just because one has eaten dinner at French Laundry or Chez Panisse doesn't make home-cooked comfort food any less enjoyable.  There are many things more important than being the number one sexual performer, and focusing on this will detract from your ability to enjoy the great things about your relationship.  Please accept her comments as the compliment they are intended to be:  You are her pick.  This includes your penis size and your sexual performance. 


I commend you for checking in with her about how to please her sexually, and for getting yourself in great physical shape.  Continuing these practices throughout your relationship will help keep things new and vibrant.  These are about being your best self rather than comparing yourself to someone else's best, which is usually not helpful.  The qualities you have described or revealed about yourself (you're a nice guy, a good provider, you treat her and her kids well, you are considerate about her sexual needs, you are taking care of yourself physically) are ones conducive to a long-lasting, satisfying relationship.  Please shift your attention to all the things that are right about you and your marriage, as it sounds like they are many!


SK


If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com