Dear Sarah,
The particulars: Married to the same beautiful, wonderful woman for 37 years. My love language is touch; hers, acts of service. I have always been adventurous in sex: willing to try anything once, within the confines of a monogamous relationship. She is as plain vanilla as there is when it comes to sex. She has never suggested anything “racy” for us to try. Minimum foreplay, missionary position, and be done with it. She considers anything else abnormal. I’ve always been the initiator; she seldom if ever does. For her, sex has always seemed to be something she might consider after all the everyday chores are done, if you can’t find anything else to do. Her first answer is, “Not now.” I consider sex a short vacation that should be enjoyed as often as possible. She had an affair 16 years ago, which we managed to survive.
Now, today, include menopause, which has cut to zero any sex drive she ever had, and all but eliminated the powerful orgasms she previously enjoyed. I’m going nuts. My drive has not waned, and sex is the last thing on her mind. (Not that it was ever far from last to begin with.) I’m starving for physical attention. I feel like I’ve always been on a strict diet where touch is concerned, but it’s worse now. Recently, I became very interested in male chastity, being willing to give up the full act of sex (which I’ve basically done anyway) in exchange (hopefully) for more frequent sexual attention and teasing, not ending in orgasm. I thought maybe if she didn’t have to go through the whole act, she’d be more responsive. Since we’re not going there much anymore anyway, I’d be happy with the preliminaries as much or more than the conclusion. We have done this a little bit, but like most things I’ve suggested through the years, her response is either like I’m sick, or she kind of does it half-heartedly for a little bit and then quits.
I’ve wished for so long that she would someday get a fire in her and take the initiative to start something, suggest something, see sex as a game and play with me. This has always been a struggle and an issue for us, but now with menopause, it’s so much more on the surface. It affects my self-esteem too, because I feel like I’m not attractive to her sexually. I feel like a beggar, always approaching her for a handout. Talk about it? Yeah, we have; so many times it has kind of become a sore spot. I don’t know what to do anymore. She’s my best friend, but I sure wish my best friend would show it more physically. Any suggestions?
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
After 37 years of being married to the same “beautiful wonderful woman,” I’m wondering why you’re waking up every day hoping she has become someone different. It sounds as if sex has never been a priority for her, let alone steamy or exciting. Menopause has not zapped her sex drive, it has merely decreased something that was almost non-existent to begin with. I think you are setting up yourself and your beautiful best friend by continuing to expect she will change something that has been firmly in place for 4 decades.
Have you asked her directly if she knows what is causing her lack of desire? Unless she tells you she doesn’t find you sexually attractive, please don’t assume it’s you. This assumption serves no purpose other than to make you feel crappy about yourself. A more constructive approach might be to ask if A) she wants her sex drive to be different, and B) there’s anything you can do to help. (Help might look like anything from doing more chores around the house to being more diligent about some aspect of your hygiene to being a better listener to trying different sex techniques. Only she has the answer to this.)
The piece of this puzzle that doesn’t fit is the line you casually slipped in about her affair 16 years ago. Have you been in an emotional position to be curious with her about this? What was the sexual portion of the affair like? If it was hot, what allowed it to be so? Was she more open and experimental? What was her sex drive like? You can’t ask her these questions from a place of insecurity or accusation; you have to be open and curious.
It’s okay and normal for you to want sex and affection. If you have silently assented to their absence in your relationship, it’s okay to renegotiate the agreement. (“Honey, I know I’ve been willing to be in a sexless relationship for many years, but I realize this isn’t okay with me anymore. Would you be willing to work with me on figuring out some ways we can both get our needs met around this?”) If you need help with the renegotiation, please set up a few couple’s sessions with a sex therapist.
