Dear Sarah,
I have a problem I can't talk about with anyone.  I have always thought of myself as being a straight guy.  I do, however, consistently think about penises when I masturbate. Sometimes my fantasies involve having sex with other men, always with me in the submissive role. Additionally, I sometimes wear lingerie and fantasize that I am a really slutty girl. The reason this is confusing is that I am very much attracted to women and not men, with the exception of my interest in the penis.  I am a very masculine man and these thoughts and actions are very disturbing to me.  Is this normal? Thanks for your help.


Confused


Dear Confused,
What would it be like if you accepted these thoughts instead of being disturbed by them?  You don't say if you have a partner or if your concerns are causing problems anywhere other than in your head.  Sexual orientation is defined differently by various experts.  Kinsey, for example, based his scale on the past sexual behavior of those he interviewed.  More contemporary sexologists, such as Dr. William Granzig, believe sexual orientation is defined by what a person fantasizes about when he masturbates.  If your primary attraction is to women, it seems that's whom you will pick for sexual partners regardless of thoughts you may be having about men or penises.


As for your desire to wear lingerie and fantasize that you are a "really slutty girl", this is a relatively common condition called transvestic fetishism.  By definition, this occurs in heterosexual males.  (When gay men wear women's clothing it is generally not because it's a sexual turn-on to do so.)  The clothing itself, as well as the fantasies surrounding wearing it, bring about sexual pleasure for men with this condition.  It is not harmful nor a sign of psychological problems.  However, if not communicated appropriately it can cause distress in relationships.


If the problems you described are affecting your ability to have a successful romantic partnership, I would recommend seeing a sex therapist to discuss the issues.  However, if they are merely worrying you because you needed permission to have the fantasies, consider it granted.


Take care,
SK


If you have a question for the sex therapist, send an email to sarah@sarahkyle.com.