Ask the Sex Therapist

It's a Fetish, Baby!

2011-07-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Sarah,

I'm seeking help about how to accept an alternate lifestyle. As a young girl, I was repeatedly sexually abused and subsequently developed a fascination with diapers. As a teenager, I began associating wearing diapers with sexual arousal but I experienced a lot of guilt and shame about this. Now, I'm thirty-five and spend my private time becoming sexually aroused by wearing diapers and doing all the things a baby does. After I reach sexual gratification, the guilt and shame sets in. On one hand I love acting like a baby but on the other hand I hate doing it because of the guilt I feel afterward. How can I learn to accept my desires without feeling guilty?

Feeling Bad in Babyland

Dear Babygirl,

It sounds like you are experiencing something called paraphilic infantilism, a fetish in which sexual pleasure is derived from dressing and acting like a baby or toddler. There is not much research done on this particular fetish, perhaps because most Adult Babies (or ABs, as most prefer to be called) do not seek therapy, making it more difficult to collect data. Common characteristics among ABs include an intense desire to be loved, and a strong fear of rejection. The baby fantasies give them a feeling of safety and security they do not derive elsewhere. However, discussing the fantasies with a partner is a difficult task because they are afraid of ridicule.

As for your guilt, sexual turn-ons very widely from one person to the next. As long as you are a consenting adult engaging in a practice that does not harm anyone, please release your guilt and allow yourself these simple pleasures.

Take care,

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

Wishful Thinking

2011-05-20T06:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Sarah,

I met this beautiful lady at a party and was having a great time with her. After talking for a few minutes, I found out she had a lesbian partner who was also at the party, and then I got even more excited. The thought of being with the two of them was so incredible I could hardly think about it. Do lesbians ever have a man join them for a threesome? Just wondering what your thoughts are.

Midwest Dreamer

Dear Dreamer,

Do lesbians ever have a man join them for a threesome? Hmmm, well I'm sure it has happened before but I think this is mostly a fantasy in straight men's minds, perpetuated by the proliferation of bad "lesbian" porn. If you believe you were getting actual sexual signals from this woman and her partner, ask directly if it's something they're interested in. Otherwise, this one might be best left in the arena of fun (but benign) flirtation.

Take care,

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

Bigger is Better

2011-05-14T07:12:00.001-07:00

Dear Sarah,

I am engaged to the most wonderful man on the planet. He is handsome, thoughtful, considerate, and successful. Literally my only concern about him or the relationship is that he has the smallest penis of any man I’ve ever been with. At first I blew this off as unimportant, but the longer we’re together the more I feel like I’m missing something. I can’t have an orgasm during intercourse because I just can’t feel him inside me. I have seen some ads on the internet for penis enlargement pills, and am wondering if there’s anything to this. Also, if they do work, how can I bring this up without hurting his feelings?

In Love With Microscopic Man

Dear Scientist,

This is a complex issue. The simple answer to your question is don’t waste your money on penis enlargement pills; they don’t work. Maintaining a relationship with the most wonderful man on the planet seems worth the effort, so it’s important to find other ways you can feel sexually satisfied. I might suggest using an insertive sex toy such as a dildo, as well as manual stimulation of your clitoris (by you or your fiancé) during intercourse. Try to focus on the options available to you in the relationship rather than on what you don’t or cannot have with this particular partner. Men tend to derive large parts of their self esteem from their income and sexual performance. Keep this in mind when communicating with him about this issue, and handle it gently!

Take care,

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

Kiss and Tell

2011-05-07T09:59:00.001-07:00

Dear Sarah,

Do you think there are such things as good kissers and bad kissers, or merely compatible kissers and incompatible kissers?

Not Sure in Nashville

Dear Nashville,

Some people are obviously more compatible kissers than others from the get go. However, I think you can speak up and ask directly for what you want or don’t want from a partner with regard to kissing (i.e. “I like feeling a little more/less of your tongue when we kiss.”), which may allow someone an escape from the “bad kisser” category. This can be a sensitive subject, so be sure to frame your request in terms of what you want rather than on what the other person is doing wrong.

Take care,

Sarah

If you have a question for the Sex Therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

Deserted

2011-04-30T00:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Sarah,
I am a 48 year old woman in a new dating relationship. The attraction is strong and the sex is good. I'm noticing, though, that even when I'm really turned on there are times I don't get very wet. I feel embarrassed about it, and I feel the need to apologize or explain myself. This has never happened to me in past relationships, and I don't want to send the message I'm not interested. How should I handle this?

Desert Down There

Dear Gobi,
Ah, the wonders of aging... It seems likely you are perimenopausal, which is often accompanied by vaginal dryness. See your gynecologist to have your hormone levels checked. You may benefit from natural supplements (or HRT if you're so inclined). Meanwhile, talk to your sex partner and invest in a good bottle of lube. (I recommend ID Lube.) This can be a fun addition to your sexual escapades even if you're not concerned about dryness!

Take care,
SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

No Drive in Denver

2011-04-23T06:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Sex Therapist,

I have a problem I’m embarrassed to talk about. I am a 32-year-old man and I seem to have lost interest in sex. My sex drive has never been that high, even when I was a teenager. I have only been with one person before my wife, and we broke up because she wanted more sex than I did. Now, my wife and I are trying to have a baby and I feel pressured to perform, which makes things even worse. If I do get turned on, my erection is not that strong, and I don’t last very long once we are able to get started. The most awkward part is I have a lot of sex dreams, and lots of times I ejaculate in my sleep. I thought this only happened during puberty and I would die if my wife found out. What should I do?

Dreaming Dan

Dear Dreamer,

When is the last time you had a physical? This is the first place to start, by checking to see if something is off-kilter physiologically. If so, this is a readily fixable issue and you could be a changed man in no time. I’m betting this might be the case since you report you’ve never had much of a sex drive. If you rule out a medical issue, schedule an appointment with a sex therapist who can help you get to the bottom of this. As for the sex dreams and nocturnal emissions, there is a biological reason this is happening. If you are not having sex or masturbating, your body needs a way to rid itself of the existing semen so it can renew your supply with a fresh batch, which will come in handy if you’re trying to have a baby. Talk frankly with your wife about this so you don’t have to live with the fear she will find out accidentally.

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

Pickup Lines

2011-04-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Sarah,

My husband and I have been married for 9 years. Since our kids were born (we have twins who are 3), our sex life isn’t what it used to be and I think we are both a little bored. Recently he asked me if I would go to a bar downtown, wait for him to arrive, and then pretend like he’s a stranger trying to pick me up. I don’t mind doing this, but it makes me wonder what he has been up to and if he really wants to be with someone besides me. Should I go along with it?

Barfly in Baltimore

Dear Bored Barfly,

What do you think he might be up to? It sounds like he is asking directly for what he needs to help overcome his sexual boredom. Pickup fantasies are common, and can be a safe and effective way to generate sexual excitement. It’s really normal to fantasize about sex that’s not what you’re having, especially if you tend to repeat the same things over and over again with your partner. Even your favorite movie can only be watched so many times in a row before you need a subscription to Netflix. Give the pickup scenario a shot, and here’s hoping it livens things up!

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.

Wife Doesn't Want It

2011-04-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Sarah,

The particulars: Married to the same beautiful, wonderful woman for 37 years. My love language is touch; hers, acts of service. I have always been adventurous in sex: willing to try anything once, within the confines of a monogamous relationship. She is as plain vanilla as there is when it comes to sex. She has never suggested anything “racy” for us to try. Minimum foreplay, missionary position, and be done with it. She considers anything else abnormal. I’ve always been the initiator; she seldom if ever does. For her, sex has always seemed to be something she might consider after all the everyday chores are done, if you can’t find anything else to do. Her first answer is, “Not now.” I consider sex a short vacation that should be enjoyed as often as possible. She had an affair 16 years ago, which we managed to survive.

Now, today, include menopause, which has cut to zero any sex drive she ever had, and all but eliminated the powerful orgasms she previously enjoyed. I’m going nuts. My drive has not waned, and sex is the last thing on her mind. (Not that it was ever far from last to begin with.) I’m starving for physical attention. I feel like I’ve always been on a strict diet where touch is concerned, but it’s worse now. Recently, I became very interested in male chastity, being willing to give up the full act of sex (which I’ve basically done anyway) in exchange (hopefully) for more frequent sexual attention and teasing, not ending in orgasm. I thought maybe if she didn’t have to go through the whole act, she’d be more responsive. Since we’re not going there much anymore anyway, I’d be happy with the preliminaries as much or more than the conclusion. We have done this a little bit, but like most things I’ve suggested through the years, her response is either like I’m sick, or she kind of does it half-heartedly for a little bit and then quits.

I’ve wished for so long that she would someday get a fire in her and take the initiative to start something, suggest something, see sex as a game and play with me. This has always been a struggle and an issue for us, but now with menopause, it’s so much more on the surface. It affects my self-esteem too, because I feel like I’m not attractive to her sexually. I feel like a beggar, always approaching her for a handout. Talk about it? Yeah, we have; so many times it has kind of become a sore spot. I don’t know what to do anymore. She’s my best friend, but I sure wish my best friend would show it more physically. Any suggestions?

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

After 37 years of being married to the same “beautiful wonderful woman,” I’m wondering why you’re waking up every day hoping she has become someone different. It sounds as if sex has never been a priority for her, let alone steamy or exciting. Menopause has not zapped her sex drive, it has merely decreased something that was almost non-existent to begin with. I think you are setting up yourself and your beautiful best friend by continuing to expect she will change something that has been firmly in place for 4 decades.

Have you asked her directly if she knows what is causing her lack of desire? Unless she tells you she doesn’t find you sexually attractive, please don’t assume it’s you. This assumption serves no purpose other than to make you feel crappy about yourself. A more constructive approach might be to ask if A) she wants her sex drive to be different, and B) there’s anything you can do to help. (Help might look like anything from doing more chores around the house to being more diligent about some aspect of your hygiene to being a better listener to trying different sex techniques. Only she has the answer to this.)

The piece of this puzzle that doesn’t fit is the line you casually slipped in about her affair 16 years ago. Have you been in an emotional position to be curious with her about this? What was the sexual portion of the affair like? If it was hot, what allowed it to be so? Was she more open and experimental? What was her sex drive like? You can’t ask her these questions from a place of insecurity or accusation; you have to be open and curious.

It’s okay and normal for you to want sex and affection. If you have silently assented to their absence in your relationship, it’s okay to renegotiate the agreement. (“Honey, I know I’ve been willing to be in a sexless relationship for many years, but I realize this isn’t okay with me anymore. Would you be willing to work with me on figuring out some ways we can both get our needs met around this?”) If you need help with the renegotiation, please set up a few couple’s sessions with a sex therapist.

If you have a question for the sex therapist, please email sarah@sarahkyle.com.

2011-03-20T14:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Sarah,
I have a problem I can't talk about with anyone. I have always thought of myself as being a straight guy. I do, however, consistently think about penises when I masturbate. Sometimes my fantasies involve having sex with other men, always with me in the submissive role. Additionally, I sometimes wear lingerie and fantasize that I am a really slutty girl. The reason this is confusing is that I am very much attracted to women and not men, with the exception of my interest in the penis. I am a very masculine man and these thoughts and actions are very disturbing to me. Is this normal? Thanks for your help.

Confused

Dear Confused,
What would it be like if you accepted these thoughts instead of being disturbed by them? You don't say if you have a partner or if your concerns are causing problems anywhere other than in your head. Sexual orientation is defined differently by various experts. Kinsey, for example, based his scale on the past sexual behavior of those he interviewed. More contemporary sexologists, such as Dr. William Granzig, believe sexual orientation is defined by what a person fantasizes about when he masturbates. If your primary attraction is to women, it seems that's whom you will pick for sexual partners regardless of thoughts you may be having about men or penises.

As for your desire to wear lingerie and fantasize that you are a "really slutty girl", this is a relatively common condition called transvestic fetishism. By definition, this occurs in heterosexual males. (When gay men wear women's clothing it is generally not because it's a sexual turn-on to do so.) The clothing itself, as well as the fantasies surrounding wearing it, bring about sexual pleasure for men with this condition. It is not harmful nor a sign of psychological problems. However, if not communicated appropriately it can cause distress in relationships.

If the problems you described are affecting your ability to have a successful romantic partnership, I would recommend seeing a sex therapist to discuss the issues. However, if they are merely worrying you because you needed permission to have the fantasies, consider it granted.

Take care,
SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, send an email to sarah@sarahkyle.com.

Vegetable Medley

2011-03-04T13:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Sarah,

My girlfriend wants me to penetrate her with a cucumber. Is this normal? Is it safe?

Organic Gardener

Dear Farmer,

Ordinary household items, including foodstuffs, have been used in sex play since the beginning of time. Cucumbers have the advantages of being inexpensive, varied in size to accommodate different tastes, and, in your case, chemical free. As for safety, things to stay aware of include using lubricant to ensure her comfort, making sure the cucumber is long enough so you don’t lose your grasp, and communicating with her to determine a pleasurable depth of penetration. May your garden prosper!

SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

2010-12-24T10:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Sarah,
I've been married to my wife for 7 years now. Its a second marriage for both of us, we're both in our mid 30s. I really love her and she says she really loves me.

I found this email to a friend of hers basically saying she had ex-boyfriend(s) that were better in bed, and pretty much trashing my performance, penis size, etc. When I asked her about it her basic answer was, "Well, you were never supposed to see that". That doesn't make me feel any better. I've asked what I can do to make it to the top of her list performance-wise so she isn't spending our marriage fantasizing about old boyfriends. She basically won't respond. This says to me that she doesn't think its possible.

She tearfully assures me that she loves me and values our relationship above any previous one, but tacitly acknowledges that I will never be her best-ever sexual encounter. In trying to comfort me, she said she'd love me and stay with me even if my penis fell off. Great, she thinks I might as well have no penis at all. I tried explaining to her how important it is to me that I be on the top of her list; I just need to understand what that would require. I am in better physical shape now than I've ever been; I work out all the time.

I'm reaching the point where I'm depressed and feel like I'm just flat incapable of satisfying her regardless of what I'm willing to do. I really don't feel good about being with someone who is just settling for me because I'm a nice guy, a good provider and I treat her and her kids well, but she still secretly has contempt for our sex life. I'm actually so demoralized at this point that I feel like even if I was single again, I wouldn't bother trying to have another relationship since it too would inevitably suffer from the same problem.

Not Enough

Dear Enough,
Your tendency to compare yourself and your performance to your wife's previous lovers is a common one. Men often have self-judgment about sex (and money) that their female counterparts do not.

I'm not sure how you "found" this email. If you were violating her privacy, you learned a valuable lesson about doing so: Snooping into someone's personal information often results in learning things you don't really want to know. There was a reason she chose not to share this with you, and you likely would have been better off without the knowledge. Additionally, this violation undermines trust which can have a negative impact on your relationship.

That said, now you have the information, so what next? I want to challenge you to think about why it is important for you to "make it to the top of her list". You are focusing on a part of the story that's basically irrelevant when you say you "will never be her best-ever sexual encounter." Just because one has eaten dinner at French Laundry or Chez Panisse doesn't make home-cooked comfort food any less enjoyable. There are many things more important than being the number one sexual performer, and focusing on this will detract from your ability to enjoy the great things about your relationship. Please accept her comments as the compliment they are intended to be: You are her pick. This includes your penis size and your sexual performance.

I commend you for checking in with her about how to please her sexually, and for getting yourself in great physical shape. Continuing these practices throughout your relationship will help keep things new and vibrant. These are about being your best self rather than comparing yourself to someone else's best, which is usually not helpful. The qualities you have described or revealed about yourself (you're a nice guy, a good provider, you treat her and her kids well, you are considerate about her sexual needs, you are taking care of yourself physically) are ones conducive to a long-lasting, satisfying relationship. Please shift your attention to all the things that are right about you and your marriage, as it sounds like they are many!

SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

Old Maid

2010-08-10T10:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Sarah,
I'm a woman in my late 20s, fairly satisfied with my career, my friendships, and life in general, but I have one horrible secret: I've never had sex. I am kind of a plain Jane, but I don't think I'm totally unattractive or anything. I've dated several guys, a couple of them semi-seriously. I've been attracted to them, and maybe even in love or close to it a couple times, but I have never felt OK with having sex. I was abused when I was a kid; I know that has something (or a lot) to do with it. When I get close to a man, even one I genuinely like, I start to panic and have this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to die. I know it's not logical at all, but just making out brings on that much stress. I can't even imagine trying to have sex! I saw a therapist for several years in my early/mid twenties and we talked about this, but she basically said she couldn't help me at all in this area until I was actually in a relationship where I was having sex or planning to have sex, which seems so impossible. (She was really helpful in other ways, and I feel way less traumatized and depressed from the abuse after doing that work.) I have a couple other friends who were abused, and while they had some issues with sex at first, they haven't seemed to struggle like I have. Now that I'm nearing 30, I feel hopeless and like I'll probably be alone the rest of my life. Am I a complete lost cause?

Thanks,
Doomed to be a cat lady

Dear CL,
First of all, never having had sex is hardly a "horrible secret," so please don't beat yourself up about this. Your issue is a commom one. Childhood sexual abuse, due to the associated feelings of shame and loss of control, often leads to difficulty in adult sexual relationships. It makes sense you would feel stress from making out due to fear this might lead to a sexual encounter. Your only previous sexualized experiences were not consensual in nature, therefore it is normal to fear future encounters might be the same. The good news is, this is a workable situation and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your friends may have dealt with their abuse differently because the abuse itself was different from yours, or because your friends have different emotional makeups than you. I'm glad your previous therapy was helpful in reducing your trauma and depressive symptoms related to the abuse. I differ in opinion from your therapist, though, in believing you can work on this issue whether or not you are currently involved in a romantic relationship. I encourage you to seek additional therapy with someone who feels this way as well. Please don't acquire any additional cats; you are absolutely not a lost cause!

SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, submit it via email at sarah@sarahkyle.com

2010-03-25T05:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Sex Therapist,
When I was dating my wife we had a very active adventurous sex life. We had sex daily (or more). We tried different positions. We had sex outdoors or in public places. We watched porn. We used sex toys. Now we have been married for about 3 years and everything has changed. She rarely if ever wants sex. When she does it is only in bed and only in one specific position (with her on top). When I ask her to try some of the things we used to do she just blows me off and says we're not in college anymore. I am really disappointed. Our sex life was one of the things that made me think I could be with her for the rest of my life. Is there a way I can get her back to the way she used to be?

Sad in San Jose

Dear Sad,
Your disappointment seems completely normal under the circumstances. You entered the relationship under one set of premises and now those have changed. It might be helpful to try to set your frustrations aside for a moment and become curious about what may have shifted with your wife. Look at it like a mystery, and you are trying to get to the bottom of it. Are you behaving differently toward her than you did when the two of you were dating? Are you keeping the romance alive by doing thoughtful things for her? Have any outside circumstances (i.e. job or financial stress, friendships, family relationships) changed for her? Try having an honest, open discussion that's not about getting her to change but instead about understanding where she's coming from. Women are much more likely to feel sexual when they are feeling emotionally connected to a partner, so that's a good place to start!

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.

Confidential to cd4w

2010-03-25T04:49:00.000-07:00

Consensus among my readership is you're not real, but I say you are. I have a bet you will make yourself known before April 1. Don't make me lose! :)

SK

Porn Problems

2010-03-08T19:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Sarah,

For the past 2 years I have been bothered by my fiance's constant watching of pornography. In the beginning of our dating, I found out about his watching porn while I was in his apartment at bedtime. Instead of coming to bed with me, he would turn on his computer and watch porn. I let him know that this hurt me and he stopped doing it "behind my back" while I am in the apartment with him.

Now we are living together and I know he continues to watch porn. When he is home alone I know he watches it because of the history tabs on the internet. Also I know he will often stay up late watching pornography while I am asleep.

Lately I have been very busy and stressed and sex has not been a priority. I suppose my question is, should I be "hurt" by this consistent porn, as sometimes I feel he uses it as a replacement for our lovemaking. (We don't have sex too often, about once or twice a month.) Is it up to me to do something, or is this a more deep seated issue such as porn addiction that is coming between us? I have mentioned the porn on a couple of occasions, but he becomes very defensive and does not understand why it bothers me. He insists it's just entertaining and interesting for him to look at. I have tried to watch it with him and incorporate it into our love life hoping this may curtail his enthusiasm for it, but that does not seem to work either. He was sexually abused when he was a child and has had counseling for it, but states that he still has some "sex issues" that he knows he will always struggle with.

I love him dearly and want to solve this, it's just difficult when I know I can't compare or live up to the women in his porn films and the fantastical situations they are in.

Sincerely,
Hurt by Porn

Dear Hurt,
Your concern is a common one. Many women experience stress at the idea their partner is looking at porn. As for your question, "Should I be hurt by this?", I think we either feel hurt or we don't; there is no "should." I would challenge you to look inward and see if you can figure out the specific cause of your discomfort. Is it truly about the pornography, or is it about other things and you are drawing an inaccurate connection? You stated sex has not been a priority for you lately due to your own stress, then you stated your partner may be using porn as a substitute for making love with you. You also mentioned he doesn't come to bed with you because he is staying up late watching porn. What would happen if you addressed these issues separate and aside from the porn? "Honey, I would like to make love more often, and I would really love it if you came to bed with me"? If these needs were met would you be as concerned he was watching porn when you're not home? Another concern I heard was that you fear you cannot "live up to the women in his porn films." Is he making comparisons or complaining your love life isn't "fantastical" enough? If so, please discuss his expectations and let him know what you are and are not willing to do. He told you he has "sex issues" as a result of childhood abuse. Have you talked with him about the nature of these issues?

If watching pornography is interfering with his life and/or his relationships, your boyfriend may have an issue to address. However, this will happen most effectively if he comes to that decision on his own rather than being led (or dragged) there by you. Meanwhile, please continue to explore your own fears about the porn and talk with him about the ways his behavior may be crossing onto your side of the street (i.e. directly affecting you).

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

Clean as a Whistle

2010-03-01T07:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Sex Therapist,
Every time I have sex with my husband, I immediately get up and get into the shower when we're done. He complains about this, saying he wants to lie in bed and savor the moment. He is also self-conscious, wondering if he smells bad or makes me feel dirty. Sarah, he has really good hygiene! Something else you should know is we use condoms, so my need to shower isn't related to having semen inside me. I'm not sure why I feel the need to do this, but it is almost overwhelming at times. Even if we both shower right before we have sex I need to shower again right afterward. This issue is causing a real problem in my relationship. Can you help?

Cleanliness is Next to Godliness

Dear Clean,
You didn't mention your age, or whether you might have other compulsive behaviors that warrant attention. Please schedule an appointment with a licensed therapist who can help you find and address the root cause of this behavior. Meanwhile, I'm going to suggest you take a few minutes after sex to stay in the present moment and sit with the feeling of needing to get up and shower. Try and become very curious with yourself, getting to know the part of you that wants to get away. Your genuine curiosity may lead you to the answers about where the behavior is coming from. Those few seconds where you stay present after sex may turn into minutes, which may provide both you and your husband with the things you need.

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

Sexless II

2010-02-25T07:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Sarah,

I have been married to my wife for 18 years and we have been a couple for nearly 21 years. For the past 5 years or so our marriage has become almost entirely platonic. This is not a drastic change from how I would characterize our sexual relationship from start to finish. We dated for three years before having sex and once married had sex maybe a few times a year at most. As the years have gone on it’s gone from very infrequent to almost nonexistent. We have sought marriage counseling and have been assured that these sexual issues lay in relationship issues. If we fixed our relationship then the sex will just happen. The problem is I think we have a very good relationship and we genuinely love and like each other. I’m at the point however that I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without ever having sex again. I’m not sure how to approach the subject without putting her in the situation of “I have to do it now “. I’m not at all interested in sex out of duty or obligation. It should be a choice and I want her to choose to want to be with me. What is the best way to approach this situation? I love and admire this woman and would never just leave her for not having sex with me. However, I fear someday I will pull a “John Edwards” in my desperate need to be validated as being worthy of desire and bring it all crashing down. Any advice would be appreciated.

Sexless II

Dear Sexless,

I’m so glad you’re writing before following in the footsteps of our esteemed politicians who have sought comfort outside their relationships! It sounds like you have a solid marriage aside from the sexual piece. Does your wife agree with your take on this, or are there relational issues that prevent her from feeling sexual toward you? If it is merely lack of desire, is she interested in addressing this issue for herself, or is she content with living the rest of her life in a sexless relationship? Would she be willing to explore the idea of finding out whether there might be stimuli that turn her on? If so, she may want to try reading or looking at erotic material, or perhaps experimenting with a vibrator. If she finds she is aroused by any of this, you can begin to incorporate it into your sexual relationship with one another. If the exploration doesn’t yield any positive results and she is willing to pursue it further, she can speak to a sex therapist to get to the root of the issue. Sex is an important component of partnership. If it is non-existent in yours, it is perfectly reasonable to ask your partner to explore ways you can both get your needs met in this area.

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.

Sexless in Seattle

2010-02-25T07:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Sex Therapist,
I am a woman with a boyfriend that is somewhat older than me. He is a nice guy. We rarely argue and our relationship seems perfect in every sense except for sex. In the beginning, we had what I considered an average amount of sex. However I did notice that he was not very adventurous and would turn me down, for example, on blow jobs in the car (even when it was not moving and no one was around) which did strike me as odd. He seemed shy about sex; he's a nerdy guy. After the first 6-9 months the frequency of sex became less. As time rolled by it started to bother me and I felt unattractive and just not sexy. I work out a lot, and I've spent the last several years trying to improve my appearance. I’ve tried many things to spice up our sex life in the last year: make-up, hair changes, sexy outfits, and the ultimate "surprise blow job." I've even been turned down on blowjobs in bed! I got on birth control, thinking maybe that was it. I have tried to initiate on weekend mornings after we have slept in and had nothing else to do. We have sex less than 10 times a year, and even on vacations, holidays etc. there is no action for me. If I make a big deal of it, the next day or so he will make an effort to have intercourse for 15-20 minutes and then he pulls out without ejaculating, which just makes me feel worse. I am beginning to have a mental breakdown over this.

He's very uncomfortable talking about sex. I have told him his behavior makes me feel rejected and ugly. Recently he said that my talking about it makes it worse, and he doesn't want me to initiate all the time, which feels scary because he never initiates. He once admitted he hardly has interest in sex with anyone. I don't think he's cheating on me. I don't think he's gay but then there’s that sneaking suspicion that he might be. When we do have sex it is pretty obvious he isn't that into it because he never finishes. I've only seen him come once in the past 3 years. This has me very down and I feel it could be blooming into depression because I sit at work and cry almost daily wondering what to do. I don't want to end the relationship, but I also realize that I simply cannot live in a romantic relationship with someone who’s just not into me. I've never cheated on anyone, but at this point I almost feel justified. I am torn between being angry and blaming him and being hurt and blaming myself. I am torn between wanting to be with my soulmate and best friend, and the emerging realization that it may be time for me to move on. How can I marry and have a baby with a guy that seems incapable of ejaculating in me?
Sexless in Seattle

Dear Seattle,

My first concern is for your emotional well-being, as you state you are “beginning to have a mental breakdown,” you cry almost daily, and you feel you may be experiencing depressive symptoms. Please see a therapist and/or your family physician as soon as possible to discuss these issues!

As for your boyfriend’s lack of sexual desire, please stop blaming yourself and stop taking responsibility for this on his behalf. You have gone to great lengths to make your sexual relationship better to no avail. The ball is in his court. If he is not concerned about this aspect of his life, for himself, you cannot fix it for him. If he chooses to take no action, you must decide if you can accept him as he is and thereby accept the fact that you will have a virtually sexless relationship, or whether you need to move on.

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.

Newlywedded Frustration

2010-02-22T06:33:00.000-08:00

Hi Sarah,

I have been married for almost 3 months. I had been sexually active with my husband for about a year before we married, but I never really enjoyed having sex. He has not been able to make me come with vaginal penetration or by touching me; the few times he has was through oral sex. And he complains that it takes forever, so he doesn't volunteer to do it anymore. Even that hasn't been so pleasurable for me, because it feels awkward, silly, and I am nervous about taking too long to come. We bought a vibrator, and when I use it, I feel a lot of pressure to come quickly before he loses steam- it just feels like a chore. I have never been with anyone else besides him, so all my sexual fantasies and expectations came from movies. Real life is pretty disappointing in comparison. I came from a very sexually repressed religious household, as my parents never discussed sex and my mom would act extremely embarrassed if it ever came up. So, I masturbated a lot to sex scenes in movies and novels growing up. Later in college, I found that I was aroused when I heard other people (like roommates) having sex. This is related to my earlier sexual fantasies involving people other than me, in outside situations. Now, I mainly view sex as a way to be intimate and closer with my husband, since I don't feel that aroused around him like I do around the aforementioned stimuli. When we discussed this, he said he felt like he was just using me as a masturbatory tool, and felt like he failed every time, since I rarely ever came. What can I do to feel sexually aroused by my husband? Additionally, he wants me to dress up and act sexy, which I have no idea how to do. I'm somewhat of a tomboy, and lack femininity. Sexiness makes me uncomfortable and embarrassed, especially since I don't view myself as a sexual being. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks,
F

Dear F,

You’ve mentioned several different issues that would merit further exploration: feeling awkward and silly; taking “too long” to come; feeling aroused by hearing other people having sex; not feeling sexually aroused by your husband; not viewing yourself as a sexual being. The length of time it is taking you to orgasm may be a factor of the way you’re wired, the level of desire or arousal you are feeling when you begin to be sexual with your husband, or related to the techniques he is using. It sounds like a dynamic has been created between you and your husband in which you’re feeling self-conscious and he is feeling impatient. These two things will have a tendency to exacerbate one another. Is there a way the two of you can engage romantically that eliminates the pressure to “perform”? I recommend you begin with an exercise called Sensate Focus; you can find plenty of information about this on the internet or from talking with a sex therapist, which might be helpful for both of you.

I would also recommend you do some sexual discovery on your own. It sounds like it has been awhile since you explored what arouses you, separate and aside from your partner. Do those movies and novels still turn you on? What type of masturbation techniques do you enjoy most? Once you have found the answers to these questions you may be able to incorporate some of this into your sexual relationship with your husband. The fact that you have felt aroused by these things in the past is a good indication you are a sexual being, and there is a solution, so rest assured.

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.

Lingerie and Domination

2010-02-20T11:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Sarah,

I enjoy being dominated by women while I am dressed in women's clothing, but I feel like I am losing control of it. These days I won't even talk to a woman unless she is into that. I am not in a relationship and have not been in one for several years, yet every woman I meet that I have an attraction to I find a way to ask about this fetish of mine instead of taking things slowly and getting to know her first. As you can guess, this doesn't work very well for me. And every time I get money I find an escort to dress me up and dominate me, even if that money would be better used to pay bills. It has even gotten to the point that I often wear lingerie under my regular clothes. What can I do to regain control over this? I mean, at first it was fun to fantasize about every attractive woman I saw seeing me in lingerie and her taking control over me, but now those thoughts come to mind with women that I know I shouldn't have those thoughts about. For example, I have entertained the fantasy of wearing lingerie to a session with you, even though I know that would be way out of line and very inappropriate, but those thoughts are there. So, yes, I am a client of yours but have never discussed the sexual aspects of what troubles me. So I guess the last question should be, how do I discuss this with you during a session so that I can work through it?

Very Confused

Dear Confused,

Your fantasies about wearing lingerie and being dominated by a woman are common, and shared by lots of other guys. The reason you don’t hear them talking about it is the same reason they haven’t heard you: they think they’re the only ones and it’s scary to bring it up. My concern lies in the fact that these fantasies are now impeding your life and your relationships, a helpful measuring stick for many things (drinking, playing video games, gambling, surfing the net, watching TV). When something begins to interfere with the way we function in our lives, it’s time to make a change. You state you’re not able to relate to women outside this fantasy, and you’re spending money on escorts when it has been allocated for bills. These are good signs it’s time to talk to a professional about the sexual aspects of what’s troubling you.

You state you have entertained the fantasy of wearing lingerie to a therapy session. Transference is a process in which a client shifts feelings for outside people or situations onto his therapist. One common form of transference is to have sexual or romantic feelings toward your therapist. The therapeutic environment is a safe one because you can discuss any thoughts and feelings there without fear of judgment, and you can be assured the relationship will always remain professional. As for how to bring up the issue, I suggest you begin the session by stating you’re the person who wrote this letter and I’ll take it from there. :)

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.

Lost

2010-02-15T07:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Sarah,
I have had a casual sexual relationship with a guy down the street for the past 3 months. Using protection has always been a high priority for both of us. A few days after we had sex last time, I discovered a condom had been left inside me. This has created a whole host of questions. Could I be pregnant and/or have an STD? Do I have a right to be angry about this? Because I find myself wanting to rip him a new one. Whose responsibility was it to make sure the condom didn't get left behind? Should I acknowledge any of this to him, and if so, how?

Pissed Off in Pittsburg

Dear Pittsburg,
Your fears and concerns are valid. A good first step is to schedule an appointment with your health care provider for pregnancy and STD tests in order to put your mind at ease. As for your "right" to be angry, anger is just a feeling. Anyone has a right to feel whatever emotions are coming up at any given time. How you behave around that anger is a different matter, so ripping him a new one isn't an option. The responsibility for ensuring the condom isn't still inside belongs to both of you. Stay aware and make sure whatever goes in also comes out. There are some advantages to discussing this with him. First of all, it opens the lines of communication, which can better your sex life should you continue to engage with him. Second, it allows him to gain awareness about what happened so he can prevent this from occurring in future sexual encounters.

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

All Tied Up

2010-02-08T07:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Sex Therapist,
I have a recurring fantasy I am kind of embarrassed about. I want my girlfriend to tie me to the bed and give me a hand job. I get turned on by the idea of being bound and unable to move while I am being sexually stimulated. I have watched some porn that involves a dominatrix, and I am completely aroused by this. I don't know if my girlfriend would be willing to participate, and I'm too shy to ask. I should mention that I am the CEO of a large corporation, and I'm always in the position of being in charge. Am I completely abnormal?

Boss Man

Dear Boss Man,
Your fantasies are completely normal. It is common to fantasize about things and situations that are not part of our everyday lives. If you are "always in the position of being in charge," it makes perfect sense you would be turned on by the idea of getting a break from this role.

BDSM (Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism) is relatively common in sexual relationships. These concepts are based on the idea that partners take on deliberately unequal but complementary roles in an eroticised context. The Top or Dominant partner exhibits some form of physical and/or emotional control over the Bottom or Submissive partner.

As for talking with your girlfriend, honesty is the best policy here. Do some reading, let her know what you're thinking, give her space to process the information, and see if she's open to exploring.

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

Open to Questions?

2010-02-01T07:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Sarah,
Please help settle an ongoing argument between my wife and me. When we are making love, I sometimes ask her what she wants me to do to her sexually. This infuriates her! She tells me after all these years I shouldn't have to ask, and she says it ruins the mood when I do. My point of view is, I genuinely want to please her. If she tells me what feels good I know I'm getting it right. Should I stop asking?

CW

Dear CW,
It's okay to ask. It shows you are interested in making her feel good. Direct and open communication is one of the best vehicles to creating and maintaining a satisfying sex life. However, before you ask, make sure you are paying attention to her non-verbal cues. Her breathing, muscle tautness, body movements, and moans will generally let you know whether you're on the right track. If she doesn't normally provide you with any of these signals, try talking to her about her sexual desires when the two of you are outside the bedroom.

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

The Naked Truth

2010-01-25T06:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Sarah,
My wife and I have been married for 5 years. We are in our mid-40's, and this is a second marriage for both of us. I think she is beautiful, and feel very physically attracted to her. However, she refuses to be naked in front of me. She goes into the bathroom and shuts the door to change clothes, and she won't let me come in when she is taking a shower or getting ready to go somewhere. Even when we have sex she keeps her clothes on until she is under the covers and/or makes sure it is completely dark in our bedroom so I can't see her. On the few occasions I have accidentally walked in while she is partially clothed she has an extreme reaction, screaming at me to get out and shut the door. To my knowledge there is nothing physically wrong with her that would warrant this level of secrecy. She is a bit overweight, and her skin is extremely pale, but I have never judged or criticized her for these things or even commented about them. I tell her daily she is beautiful.

When we were first together I assumed this was modesty that would go away once she got more comfortable with me. After more than 5 years, I'm starting to lose my patience. Not only would I like the option of making love to my wife without these restrictions, it hampers my daily life in significant ways. We share a bathroom, and it takes her at least 2 hours to get ready when we are going somewhere. This prevents me from accessing the shower, my toiletries, the commode, etc. I have tried to reason with her about it but she's not budging, and I'm feeling myself getting resentful. What can I do to remedy this situation?

W

Dear Dub,
I find myself wishing your wife had written, as advice to her makes more sense in this case. Sigh... It sounds like you have laid the groundwork for trust by reassuring her about your attraction to her. Trying to force the issue will only make things worse. That means no insisting to enter the bathroom while she's in there, no surprise flips of the light switch during sex. The issue is hers, and unless she chooses to explore it further (preferably with a licensed therapist) it will likely remain firmly in place. Trying to "fix" her or arguing with her about it will only leave you feeling more frustrated.

A note about hindsight: You stated this issue was present when you first started dating, and you assumed it would go away. This common assumption has been the demise of many a relationship. When you meet someone you're interested in, ask yourself, "Can I accept her/him EXACTLY as-is?" If the answer is no, you're better off not moving forward. If they make changes to accommodate you, the changes aren't likely to be real or permanent, and resentment will ensue. The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

To Share or Not To Share

2010-01-18T06:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Sex Therapist,
My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. Our sex life has had its ups and downs, but lately we have been very compatible. Over the years he has asked me to do some things that made me uncomfortable. Sometimes I say yes and sometimes I don't, but he always seems to respect my decisions. For the past six months he has been asking me if I will have sex with another man while he watches. This seems weird to me, but I am not completely opposed to it. He says he doesn't have a specific person in mind, and he thinks we can find someone online. He prefers it to be someone young and very fit. (We are both in our late 30's and a few pounds overweight.) A part of me thinks this would be really exciting, but another part of me is scared there will be repercussions. What do you think?

Not Sure

Dear Not Sure,
Your husband's fantasy is a common one, though not all men admit this to their partners. The fact you're talking about it speaks well for your communication with one another. Trying something experimental can be a boost to the sex lives of many couples. Allowing yourselves to think outside the box and try new things is perfectly okay, unless it presents a moral or physical compromise to either party; then the price is too high. Additionally, bringing a 3rd party into the bedroom is sure to backfire if the two of you are not feeling 100%secure with one another.

If you decide to proceed, it's important for the two of you to agree on the terms, and to talk in advance about what's going to happen. This includes selecting the other person, making provisions for safe sex, choosing a location where the encounter will occur, and setting boundaries about which sexual behaviors you're okay with. I suggest you and your husband recap the session in private afterward before making a decision to schedule again with the 3rd party. It's also important to agree this encounter not be used as an emotional weapon by either of you down the road (i.e. "I can't believe you did that"/"I can't believe you asked me to do that"). It's an experiment, it could go either way!

Free Press

2010-01-11T06:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Sex Therapist,
I have a sexual problem I have never discussed with anyone. I am married, and have always had "normal" sex with my wife. I ride a train to work every day, and most days it is crowded. Sometimes I press myself up against women that are standing next to me and I get really turned on. Sometimes I think I could actually cum in my pants if they would stand there long enough. Of course they have no idea I am doing this, at least I think they don't. Afterward I feel really dirty and guilty, but I still do it anyway. This has been happening since I was 16 and it happened at a concert. Since then I have looked for the chance to be in a crowd. Can I get in trouble for this? Am I a freak?

Embarrassed in NYC

Dear Embarrassed,
What you are describing is called frotteurism, defined as "the intentional rubbing up against or touching of another, usually unsuspecting, person for the purpose of sexual arousal." Because this is a non-consensual sexual act, it is considered a criminal offense and can result in legal penalties.

Aside from the legal aspect, though, it is important to realize you are actually victimizing the women on the train because you are doing this without their consent, something this Sex Therapist always frowns upon. Curtailing this behavior is an important and immediate step for you.

The desire itself, however, will likely remain. Is it possible you and your wife could incorporate this into some type of consensual sexual play? For example, you could press yourself against her on the train or at a concert, and she could pretend to be unsuspecting. If you are unable to stop the non-consensual behavior, please schedule an appointment with a therapist. You owe this to yourself and to the women you are victimizing.

If you have a question for the Sex Therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

Fisting

2010-01-04T11:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Sarah,
I am a 34 year old guy in a relationship that involves a very active sex life. Recently, in the middle of a really hot moment, my girlfriend asked me to put my entire fist inside her. I have obviously heard of this practice, but I've never even come close to putting it into practice. (Most of my previous sex partners seemed to get uncomfortable if I put more than 2 fingers inside them.) Is fisting safe? Is there anything I should know before moving forward with this? This isn't exactly a topic for happy hour conversation with my friends...

J

Dear J,
Maybe you should consider talking about it at happy hour with your friends and spicing up the conversation a bit. :) Fisting is a sexual activity that involves inserting a hand into the vagina or anus. Typically, fisting does not involve forcing a closed fist into these orifices. Instead, the fingers are kept straight and close together, forming a beak-like shape, and then closed into a fist once inserted. One of the main concerns with fisting is the tearing of tissue, so it's important to use plenty of lube. You may want to begin by experimenting slowly and gently in order to ensure you're moving forward at a pace that feels comfortable for both you and your partner.

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

The Blog is Back!!

2010-01-04T11:48:00.000-08:00

Ask the Sex Therapist has returned for 2010! Perplexed by something sexual and don't know who to ask? Submit your questions to sarah@sarahkyle.com to have them answered individually or via blog.

Sex Life Going to the Dogs?

2009-03-16T06:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Sarah,
Help, my sex life is being thwarted by a 65 lb. Labrador! I'm in a new relationship with great chemistry. However, now that we've started having overnights, I've learned that my girlfriend sleeps with her dog. This creates both a space issue (she has a queen bed, but he's a big dog) and an "ick" factor (I don't like the idea of laying on dog hair). She has had the dog for 6 years, and he has slept with her since he was a puppy. She is very attached to him and treats him like her child. I've mentioned the issue in a lighthearted way, but now I'm finding myself avoiding invitations to stay at her house. Is there a way to tactfully handle this without hurting her feelings? I love dogs, just not on the furniture...

RB

Dear RB,
I'm curious to know the nature of your "lighthearted" conversations. Did you let your girlfriend know directly this is creating a problem for you? You have several choices; however, changing your girlfriend's priorities isn't one of them. Is this issue a deal-breaker for you? If so, it's best to declare that now rather than becoming frustrated later because she is not changing. Are there any compromises that would truly be acceptable to both of you, no resentments generated? Sounds like it is time for some self-assessment, and then a more frank discussion. Check in with yourself to ensure this is truly about taking care of you and not about some need to control her behavior. This topic is worth exploring, but not worth a power struggle. It's important to note that neither of you is wrong for having the feelings you do; you're just different from one another. Make sure you reiterate this when you're talking to her, and perhaps the topic won't become polarizing. Great chemistry can overcome many relationship obstacles!

Cryin' Shame

2008-12-08T06:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Sarah,
I am 45 years old and have a steady partner of many years. We have what I would call a healthy, active, excellent sex life. Since the early 90's, approximately every fifth orgasm I have results in tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. It appears that I am crying although I am not sad or emotional. I have tried to correlate the events to my menstrual cycle thinking it is possibly a hormonal reaction but there appears to be no rhyme or reason. Also I have noted that it is not related to physical position or activity. Do you have any thoughts on what could be the cause?

Tissues on the Night Stand

Dear Tissues,
Congratulations on maintaining a long-term steady partnership that includes an excellent sex life! Crying after an orgasm is an occurrence common to many women. I'm curious about your statement that you are "not sad or emotional" when this happens. This seems to indicate you think the tears might be a purely physiological response; however, the lump in your throat suggests something emotional might be present as well. Some research suggests that hormones (particularly oxytocin) released during orgasm may contribute to post-climax crying. Other experts believe the vulnerability many women feel when having an orgasm can result in an emotional surge that is sometimes accompanied by tears. Either way, your response is normal and shared by many women.

Anal Beads

2008-11-22T14:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Sarah,
I am in a relationship with a new sex partner who is a little more shy than I am. So far we have been able to talk openly about sexual topics, although she gets a bit nervous at times. I am an avid proponent of sex toys, and she admits she has never had much experience with them. I recently received a set of anal beads as a "free gift" with an online toy order, and I am very interested in trying them. Is this too much to ask? Should I start with something a little more mainstream? How can I bring this up without too much angst for either of us?

Playful

Dear Playful,
The fact that you and your new partner are talking openly is a great sign. It sounds like she is willing to press through her nervousness, which makes a positive statement. Many people are scared of the unknown, so if she hasn't had much experience with sex toys it makes sense she might have some reservations.

Anal beads are a series of small balls, usually graduated in size and attached together by some type of cord. The beads are inserted through the anus into the rectum and then removed at varying speeds, creating a pleasurable feeling as they pass through the anal sphincter. They are used by people of all genders and sexual orientations. While this type of activity may be unfamiliar to your new parner, anal play is practiced by many couples and is not considered a fetish. What would it be like to tell her directly about the anal beads, take a look at them together, and ask her for some feedback? If she's scared, the two of you can explore together what her fears are and come to some mutual understanding.

Female Ejaculation

2008-11-10T07:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Sarah,
I have a concern I can't really talk about to anyone. I am a 43 year old woman and I think I may be having bladder control issues that are affecting my sex life. I experience a significant amount of leakage every time I have an orgasm that involves penetration from my partner. (It doesn't happen when I am masturbating.) I have had this problem for many years, and much of the time I just try to refrain from climaxing so I don't have to deal with the embarrassment. Obviously my self-consciousness around this has an effect on my enjoyment of sex, so I would like to figure out what to do about it. Can you help?

TC

Dear TC,
If you are not experiencing this sensation at times other than your description above, it sounds likely that you are describing female ejaculation rather than bladder control problems. Female ejaculation, or "squirting," refers to a woman's expulsion of noticeable amounts of clear fluid from the paraurethral ducts during or before orgasm. It is a relatively common occurrence, reportedly experienced at one time or another by 35-50% of women. The amount of fluid expelled can vary from an almost imperceptible amount to several milliliters of fluid, more than just your average "wet spot."

You stated you feel some embarrassment around this; what would it be like to talk openly with your partner about it? While you may view it as distasteful, your partner may in fact find it stimulating, and an added bonus to your sexual repertoire. In any case, refraining from having an orgasm doesn't seem like a viable long-term solution. If you continue to have trouble accepting this or any other part of your sexual self, you may want to consider talking to a sex therapist.

Hard-on Havoc

2008-10-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Sarah,
My man and I have been together for 11 years. About 4 years ago we started going to swinger clubs and parties, and this has been a great asset to our sex life. I’ve noticed sometimes at these “lifestyle” functions my man seems to lose his erection, even when he is being touched or getting a blow job. He never has this problem at home! What’s up with that?

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,
2 things: One predominant factor in a man’s difficulty in getting or maintaining a hard-on at a lifestyle function has to do with the amount of alcohol he has consumed. The more he drinks, the harder (no pun intended) it may be for him to get or keep an erection. The second factor may be performance anxiety. Men who are exclusively straight sometimes have a hard time getting it up in the presence of other men. Fear of being judged, perhaps? You should not interpret this to mean he isn’t turned on. He may be completely in the mood, just having some difficulty getting the little head aligned with the big one. What can he do to minimize the problem? Alternate alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages to reduce overall consumption. Try not to “overthink” the situation; breathe deeply, relax, and enjoy the fact that you have found a mutually agreeable way to keep the spark in your relationship.

Lost Sex Drive

2008-10-20T08:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Sarah,
I am 49 yrs old and in a 5 year relationship, yet somehow, something is greatly wrong. We both have good lives and good jobs and we love one another very much. We were friends first, and then it developed into a more serious romantic relationship. Although we both love and care for one another, she has a more pronounced sex drive, and it seems like mine has completely gone; I do not know why. I have never experienced this lack of desire, either with my current partner or in previous relationships. Its like it just disappeared with no warning. I don't know if it's important to mention that we have some cultural differences, as I am white and she is Hispanic. I do not want this issue to keep creating a wall between us that just makes both of us frustrated. Can you help? I'm out of answers...

Sad and Confused

Dear Sad and Confused,
It's not uncommon for partners to go through phases of discrepancy in their levels of sexual desire. My first bit of advice would be to speak with your physician to ensure there isn't a physical issue contributing to your decreased sex drive. Once that is ruled out, it may be helpful to look at other aspects of the relationship. I'm curious about the cultural factors you mentioned; do you suspect these may be contributing to the sexual discrepancy in some way, and if so, how? Are you and your partner directly communicating about your feelings, wants, and needs? Are the two of you able to spend quality time together that is positive in nature? Sometimes shoring up the emotional foundations of a relationship can help bring back the sexual piece.

Are you willing to begin some exploration of your own sexuality to see if you can reconnect with it, separate and aside from your partner? If so, consider the following questions:
*Are there times when you notice yourself having sexual thoughts and/or becoming aroused?
*If so, what brings them about? Visual stimuli? Touch? Fantasies? Is there a way to incorporate this into your relationship?
*If you don't notice yourself having sexual thoughts or becoming aroused, try exploring some of the above (visuals, masturbation, fantasies) to see if you can make your way back to your sexuality. It's almost certainly still there, you've just become disconnected from it. With a little effort, you can find it again!

Bored in the Bedroom

2008-09-29T08:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Sarah,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Our sex life lacks a little luster, to say the least. Same location, same routine, same position every time. I want to start spicing things up in the bedroom, but it feels really risky. Is there a safe way to approach this? Please help!

Yawning

Dear Yawning,
One of the predominant reasons people seek sex therapy is to get permission. Permission to like what they like, to do what they do, and to spice things up in the bedroom. We all fear being ridiculed, or worse yet, being perceived as abnormal or disgusting with regard to our sexual proclivities. Rather than springing new activities on your partner, talk to him first. Find out what turns him on, aside from the routine the two of you have established. Some easy and perhaps less threatening places to start might be changing positions, or initiating sex somewhere other than the bedroom. You can also consider adding some sort of visual stimulation by assessing what would be arousing for each of you to look at. (Lingerie, videos, or photos are some ideas that have worked for other couples.) One of the biggest turn-ons for most people is having a sexually confident partner, so make sure you are feeling your best. Suggest new activities and ideas that play on your strengths and areas of comfort, and let yourself have fun with it!

Married Woman, Lesbian Fantasies

2008-09-22T07:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Sarah,
I am 37, happily married to a great guy for 11 years, 2 kids, house, great job, etc. American Dream, right? Lately, seemingly out of the blue, I have been having sex dreams (and now even some waking fantasies) about a new female attorney hired by my firm. We’ve had lunch a few times. She is engaging, funny, and openly lesbian, although you would never know it from her looks. I’m fairly conservative, and have never had any sexual attraction to women. This scares me. Please tell me it’s just a midlife crisis…
Shaken

Dear Shaken,
No worries, what you are experiencing is totally normal. Most women have some fluidity to their sexuality and can feel attracted to both genders, although one usually predominates. Someone new on your radar screen doesn’t mean you’re gay, or even bisexual. It does mean this is a good time to nurture the (presumably) committed relationship with your husband. Crushes and attractions can be fun, but can get away from us if we’re not careful. Engaging romantically with someone else would necessitate changing the agreement for monogamy with your current partner. However, if your relationship is secure, is it possible you could use your fantasies about your new coworker to add some spice to your current sex life?