Dear Sarah,
I've been married to my wife for 7 years now. Its a second marriage for both of us, we're both in our mid 30s. I really love her and she says she really loves me.
I found this email to a friend of hers basically saying she had ex-boyfriend(s) that were better in bed, and pretty much trashing my performance, penis size, etc. When I asked her about it her basic answer was, "Well, you were never supposed to see that". That doesn't make me feel any better. I've asked what I can do to make it to the top of her list performance-wise so she isn't spending our marriage fantasizing about old boyfriends. She basically won't respond. This says to me that she doesn't think its possible.
She tearfully assures me that she loves me and values our relationship above any previous one, but tacitly acknowledges that I will never be her best-ever sexual encounter. In trying to comfort me, she said she'd love me and stay with me even if my penis fell off. Great, she thinks I might as well have no penis at all. I tried explaining to her how important it is to me that I be on the top of her list; I just need to understand what that would require. I am in better physical shape now than I've ever been; I work out all the time.
I'm reaching the point where I'm depressed and feel like I'm just flat incapable of satisfying her regardless of what I'm willing to do. I really don't feel good about being with someone who is just settling for me because I'm a nice guy, a good provider and I treat her and her kids well, but she still secretly has contempt for our sex life. I'm actually so demoralized at this point that I feel like even if I was single again, I wouldn't bother trying to have another relationship since it too would inevitably suffer from the same problem.
Not Enough
Dear Enough,
Your tendency to compare yourself and your performance to your wife's previous lovers is a common one. Men often have self-judgment about sex (and money) that their female counterparts do not.
I'm not sure how you "found" this email. If you were violating her privacy, you learned a valuable lesson about doing so: Snooping into someone's personal information often results in learning things you don't really want to know. There was a reason she chose not to share this with you, and you likely would have been better off without the knowledge. Additionally, this violation undermines trust which can have a negative impact on your relationship.
That said, now you have the information, so what next? I want to challenge you to think about why it is important for you to "make it to the top of her list". You are focusing on a part of the story that's basically irrelevant when you say you "will never be her best-ever sexual encounter." Just because one has eaten dinner at French Laundry or Chez Panisse doesn't make home-cooked comfort food any less enjoyable. There are many things more important than being the number one sexual performer, and focusing on this will detract from your ability to enjoy the great things about your relationship. Please accept her comments as the compliment they are intended to be: You are her pick. This includes your penis size and your sexual performance.
I commend you for checking in with her about how to please her sexually, and for getting yourself in great physical shape. Continuing these practices throughout your relationship will help keep things new and vibrant. These are about being your best self rather than comparing yourself to someone else's best, which is usually not helpful. The qualities you have described or revealed about yourself (you're a nice guy, a good provider, you treat her and her kids well, you are considerate about her sexual needs, you are taking care of yourself physically) are ones conducive to a long-lasting, satisfying relationship. Please shift your attention to all the things that are right about you and your marriage, as it sounds like they are many!
SK
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
Friday, December 24, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Old Maid
Dear Sarah,
I'm a woman in my late 20s, fairly satisfied with my career, my friendships, and life in general, but I have one horrible secret: I've never had sex. I am kind of a plain Jane, but I don't think I'm totally unattractive or anything. I've dated several guys, a couple of them semi-seriously. I've been attracted to them, and maybe even in love or close to it a couple times, but I have never felt OK with having sex. I was abused when I was a kid; I know that has something (or a lot) to do with it. When I get close to a man, even one I genuinely like, I start to panic and have this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to die. I know it's not logical at all, but just making out brings on that much stress. I can't even imagine trying to have sex! I saw a therapist for several years in my early/mid twenties and we talked about this, but she basically said she couldn't help me at all in this area until I was actually in a relationship where I was having sex or planning to have sex, which seems so impossible. (She was really helpful in other ways, and I feel way less traumatized and depressed from the abuse after doing that work.) I have a couple other friends who were abused, and while they had some issues with sex at first, they haven't seemed to struggle like I have. Now that I'm nearing 30, I feel hopeless and like I'll probably be alone the rest of my life. Am I a complete lost cause?
Thanks,
Doomed to be a cat lady
Dear CL,
First of all, never having had sex is hardly a "horrible secret," so please don't beat yourself up about this. Your issue is a commom one. Childhood sexual abuse, due to the associated feelings of shame and loss of control, often leads to difficulty in adult sexual relationships. It makes sense you would feel stress from making out due to fear this might lead to a sexual encounter. Your only previous sexualized experiences were not consensual in nature, therefore it is normal to fear future encounters might be the same. The good news is, this is a workable situation and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your friends may have dealt with their abuse differently because the abuse itself was different from yours, or because your friends have different emotional makeups than you. I'm glad your previous therapy was helpful in reducing your trauma and depressive symptoms related to the abuse. I differ in opinion from your therapist, though, in believing you can work on this issue whether or not you are currently involved in a romantic relationship. I encourage you to seek additional therapy with someone who feels this way as well. Please don't acquire any additional cats; you are absolutely not a lost cause!
SK
If you have a question for the sex therapist, submit it via email at sarah@sarahkyle.com
I'm a woman in my late 20s, fairly satisfied with my career, my friendships, and life in general, but I have one horrible secret: I've never had sex. I am kind of a plain Jane, but I don't think I'm totally unattractive or anything. I've dated several guys, a couple of them semi-seriously. I've been attracted to them, and maybe even in love or close to it a couple times, but I have never felt OK with having sex. I was abused when I was a kid; I know that has something (or a lot) to do with it. When I get close to a man, even one I genuinely like, I start to panic and have this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to die. I know it's not logical at all, but just making out brings on that much stress. I can't even imagine trying to have sex! I saw a therapist for several years in my early/mid twenties and we talked about this, but she basically said she couldn't help me at all in this area until I was actually in a relationship where I was having sex or planning to have sex, which seems so impossible. (She was really helpful in other ways, and I feel way less traumatized and depressed from the abuse after doing that work.) I have a couple other friends who were abused, and while they had some issues with sex at first, they haven't seemed to struggle like I have. Now that I'm nearing 30, I feel hopeless and like I'll probably be alone the rest of my life. Am I a complete lost cause?
Thanks,
Doomed to be a cat lady
Dear CL,
First of all, never having had sex is hardly a "horrible secret," so please don't beat yourself up about this. Your issue is a commom one. Childhood sexual abuse, due to the associated feelings of shame and loss of control, often leads to difficulty in adult sexual relationships. It makes sense you would feel stress from making out due to fear this might lead to a sexual encounter. Your only previous sexualized experiences were not consensual in nature, therefore it is normal to fear future encounters might be the same. The good news is, this is a workable situation and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your friends may have dealt with their abuse differently because the abuse itself was different from yours, or because your friends have different emotional makeups than you. I'm glad your previous therapy was helpful in reducing your trauma and depressive symptoms related to the abuse. I differ in opinion from your therapist, though, in believing you can work on this issue whether or not you are currently involved in a romantic relationship. I encourage you to seek additional therapy with someone who feels this way as well. Please don't acquire any additional cats; you are absolutely not a lost cause!
SK
If you have a question for the sex therapist, submit it via email at sarah@sarahkyle.com
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Dear Sex Therapist,
When I was dating my wife we had a very active adventurous sex life. We had sex daily (or more). We tried different positions. We had sex outdoors or in public places. We watched porn. We used sex toys. Now we have been married for about 3 years and everything has changed. She rarely if ever wants sex. When she does it is only in bed and only in one specific position (with her on top). When I ask her to try some of the things we used to do she just blows me off and says we're not in college anymore. I am really disappointed. Our sex life was one of the things that made me think I could be with her for the rest of my life. Is there a way I can get her back to the way she used to be?
Sad in San Jose
Dear Sad,
Your disappointment seems completely normal under the circumstances. You entered the relationship under one set of premises and now those have changed. It might be helpful to try to set your frustrations aside for a moment and become curious about what may have shifted with your wife. Look at it like a mystery, and you are trying to get to the bottom of it. Are you behaving differently toward her than you did when the two of you were dating? Are you keeping the romance alive by doing thoughtful things for her? Have any outside circumstances (i.e. job or financial stress, friendships, family relationships) changed for her? Try having an honest, open discussion that's not about getting her to change but instead about understanding where she's coming from. Women are much more likely to feel sexual when they are feeling emotionally connected to a partner, so that's a good place to start!
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
When I was dating my wife we had a very active adventurous sex life. We had sex daily (or more). We tried different positions. We had sex outdoors or in public places. We watched porn. We used sex toys. Now we have been married for about 3 years and everything has changed. She rarely if ever wants sex. When she does it is only in bed and only in one specific position (with her on top). When I ask her to try some of the things we used to do she just blows me off and says we're not in college anymore. I am really disappointed. Our sex life was one of the things that made me think I could be with her for the rest of my life. Is there a way I can get her back to the way she used to be?
Sad in San Jose
Dear Sad,
Your disappointment seems completely normal under the circumstances. You entered the relationship under one set of premises and now those have changed. It might be helpful to try to set your frustrations aside for a moment and become curious about what may have shifted with your wife. Look at it like a mystery, and you are trying to get to the bottom of it. Are you behaving differently toward her than you did when the two of you were dating? Are you keeping the romance alive by doing thoughtful things for her? Have any outside circumstances (i.e. job or financial stress, friendships, family relationships) changed for her? Try having an honest, open discussion that's not about getting her to change but instead about understanding where she's coming from. Women are much more likely to feel sexual when they are feeling emotionally connected to a partner, so that's a good place to start!
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
Confidential to cd4w
Consensus among my readership is you're not real, but I say you are. I have a bet you will make yourself known before April 1. Don't make me lose! :)
SK
SK
Monday, March 8, 2010
Porn Problems
Dear Sarah,
For the past 2 years I have been bothered by my fiance's constant watching of pornography. In the beginning of our dating, I found out about his watching porn while I was in his apartment at bedtime. Instead of coming to bed with me, he would turn on his computer and watch porn. I let him know that this hurt me and he stopped doing it "behind my back" while I am in the apartment with him.
Now we are living together and I know he continues to watch porn. When he is home alone I know he watches it because of the history tabs on the internet. Also I know he will often stay up late watching pornography while I am asleep.
Lately I have been very busy and stressed and sex has not been a priority. I suppose my question is, should I be "hurt" by this consistent porn, as sometimes I feel he uses it as a replacement for our lovemaking. (We don't have sex too often, about once or twice a month.) Is it up to me to do something, or is this a more deep seated issue such as porn addiction that is coming between us? I have mentioned the porn on a couple of occasions, but he becomes very defensive and does not understand why it bothers me. He insists it's just entertaining and interesting for him to look at. I have tried to watch it with him and incorporate it into our love life hoping this may curtail his enthusiasm for it, but that does not seem to work either. He was sexually abused when he was a child and has had counseling for it, but states that he still has some "sex issues" that he knows he will always struggle with.
I love him dearly and want to solve this, it's just difficult when I know I can't compare or live up to the women in his porn films and the fantastical situations they are in.
Sincerely,
Hurt by Porn
Dear Hurt,
Your concern is a common one. Many women experience stress at the idea their partner is looking at porn. As for your question, "Should I be hurt by this?", I think we either feel hurt or we don't; there is no "should." I would challenge you to look inward and see if you can figure out the specific cause of your discomfort. Is it truly about the pornography, or is it about other things and you are drawing an inaccurate connection? You stated sex has not been a priority for you lately due to your own stress, then you stated your partner may be using porn as a substitute for making love with you. You also mentioned he doesn't come to bed with you because he is staying up late watching porn. What would happen if you addressed these issues separate and aside from the porn? "Honey, I would like to make love more often, and I would really love it if you came to bed with me"? If these needs were met would you be as concerned he was watching porn when you're not home? Another concern I heard was that you fear you cannot "live up to the women in his porn films." Is he making comparisons or complaining your love life isn't "fantastical" enough? If so, please discuss his expectations and let him know what you are and are not willing to do. He told you he has "sex issues" as a result of childhood abuse. Have you talked with him about the nature of these issues?
If watching pornography is interfering with his life and/or his relationships, your boyfriend may have an issue to address. However, this will happen most effectively if he comes to that decision on his own rather than being led (or dragged) there by you. Meanwhile, please continue to explore your own fears about the porn and talk with him about the ways his behavior may be crossing onto your side of the street (i.e. directly affecting you).
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
For the past 2 years I have been bothered by my fiance's constant watching of pornography. In the beginning of our dating, I found out about his watching porn while I was in his apartment at bedtime. Instead of coming to bed with me, he would turn on his computer and watch porn. I let him know that this hurt me and he stopped doing it "behind my back" while I am in the apartment with him.
Now we are living together and I know he continues to watch porn. When he is home alone I know he watches it because of the history tabs on the internet. Also I know he will often stay up late watching pornography while I am asleep.
Lately I have been very busy and stressed and sex has not been a priority. I suppose my question is, should I be "hurt" by this consistent porn, as sometimes I feel he uses it as a replacement for our lovemaking. (We don't have sex too often, about once or twice a month.) Is it up to me to do something, or is this a more deep seated issue such as porn addiction that is coming between us? I have mentioned the porn on a couple of occasions, but he becomes very defensive and does not understand why it bothers me. He insists it's just entertaining and interesting for him to look at. I have tried to watch it with him and incorporate it into our love life hoping this may curtail his enthusiasm for it, but that does not seem to work either. He was sexually abused when he was a child and has had counseling for it, but states that he still has some "sex issues" that he knows he will always struggle with.
I love him dearly and want to solve this, it's just difficult when I know I can't compare or live up to the women in his porn films and the fantastical situations they are in.
Sincerely,
Hurt by Porn
Dear Hurt,
Your concern is a common one. Many women experience stress at the idea their partner is looking at porn. As for your question, "Should I be hurt by this?", I think we either feel hurt or we don't; there is no "should." I would challenge you to look inward and see if you can figure out the specific cause of your discomfort. Is it truly about the pornography, or is it about other things and you are drawing an inaccurate connection? You stated sex has not been a priority for you lately due to your own stress, then you stated your partner may be using porn as a substitute for making love with you. You also mentioned he doesn't come to bed with you because he is staying up late watching porn. What would happen if you addressed these issues separate and aside from the porn? "Honey, I would like to make love more often, and I would really love it if you came to bed with me"? If these needs were met would you be as concerned he was watching porn when you're not home? Another concern I heard was that you fear you cannot "live up to the women in his porn films." Is he making comparisons or complaining your love life isn't "fantastical" enough? If so, please discuss his expectations and let him know what you are and are not willing to do. He told you he has "sex issues" as a result of childhood abuse. Have you talked with him about the nature of these issues?
If watching pornography is interfering with his life and/or his relationships, your boyfriend may have an issue to address. However, this will happen most effectively if he comes to that decision on his own rather than being led (or dragged) there by you. Meanwhile, please continue to explore your own fears about the porn and talk with him about the ways his behavior may be crossing onto your side of the street (i.e. directly affecting you).
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
Monday, March 1, 2010
Clean as a Whistle
Dear Sex Therapist,
Every time I have sex with my husband, I immediately get up and get into the shower when we're done. He complains about this, saying he wants to lie in bed and savor the moment. He is also self-conscious, wondering if he smells bad or makes me feel dirty. Sarah, he has really good hygiene! Something else you should know is we use condoms, so my need to shower isn't related to having semen inside me. I'm not sure why I feel the need to do this, but it is almost overwhelming at times. Even if we both shower right before we have sex I need to shower again right afterward. This issue is causing a real problem in my relationship. Can you help?
Cleanliness is Next to Godliness
Dear Clean,
You didn't mention your age, or whether you might have other compulsive behaviors that warrant attention. Please schedule an appointment with a licensed therapist who can help you find and address the root cause of this behavior. Meanwhile, I'm going to suggest you take a few minutes after sex to stay in the present moment and sit with the feeling of needing to get up and shower. Try and become very curious with yourself, getting to know the part of you that wants to get away. Your genuine curiosity may lead you to the answers about where the behavior is coming from. Those few seconds where you stay present after sex may turn into minutes, which may provide both you and your husband with the things you need.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
Every time I have sex with my husband, I immediately get up and get into the shower when we're done. He complains about this, saying he wants to lie in bed and savor the moment. He is also self-conscious, wondering if he smells bad or makes me feel dirty. Sarah, he has really good hygiene! Something else you should know is we use condoms, so my need to shower isn't related to having semen inside me. I'm not sure why I feel the need to do this, but it is almost overwhelming at times. Even if we both shower right before we have sex I need to shower again right afterward. This issue is causing a real problem in my relationship. Can you help?
Cleanliness is Next to Godliness
Dear Clean,
You didn't mention your age, or whether you might have other compulsive behaviors that warrant attention. Please schedule an appointment with a licensed therapist who can help you find and address the root cause of this behavior. Meanwhile, I'm going to suggest you take a few minutes after sex to stay in the present moment and sit with the feeling of needing to get up and shower. Try and become very curious with yourself, getting to know the part of you that wants to get away. Your genuine curiosity may lead you to the answers about where the behavior is coming from. Those few seconds where you stay present after sex may turn into minutes, which may provide both you and your husband with the things you need.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Sexless II
Dear Sarah,
I have been married to my wife for 18 years and we have been a couple for nearly 21 years. For the past 5 years or so our marriage has become almost entirely platonic. This is not a drastic change from how I would characterize our sexual relationship from start to finish. We dated for three years before having sex and once married had sex maybe a few times a year at most. As the years have gone on it’s gone from very infrequent to almost nonexistent. We have sought marriage counseling and have been assured that these sexual issues lay in relationship issues. If we fixed our relationship then the sex will just happen. The problem is I think we have a very good relationship and we genuinely love and like each other. I’m at the point however that I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without ever having sex again. I’m not sure how to approach the subject without putting her in the situation of “I have to do it now “. I’m not at all interested in sex out of duty or obligation. It should be a choice and I want her to choose to want to be with me. What is the best way to approach this situation? I love and admire this woman and would never just leave her for not having sex with me. However, I fear someday I will pull a “John Edwards” in my desperate need to be validated as being worthy of desire and bring it all crashing down. Any advice would be appreciated.
Sexless II
Dear Sexless,
I’m so glad you’re writing before following in the footsteps of our esteemed politicians who have sought comfort outside their relationships! It sounds like you have a solid marriage aside from the sexual piece. Does your wife agree with your take on this, or are there relational issues that prevent her from feeling sexual toward you? If it is merely lack of desire, is she interested in addressing this issue for herself, or is she content with living the rest of her life in a sexless relationship? Would she be willing to explore the idea of finding out whether there might be stimuli that turn her on? If so, she may want to try reading or looking at erotic material, or perhaps experimenting with a vibrator. If she finds she is aroused by any of this, you can begin to incorporate it into your sexual relationship with one another. If the exploration doesn’t yield any positive results and she is willing to pursue it further, she can speak to a sex therapist to get to the root of the issue. Sex is an important component of partnership. If it is non-existent in yours, it is perfectly reasonable to ask your partner to explore ways you can both get your needs met in this area.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
I have been married to my wife for 18 years and we have been a couple for nearly 21 years. For the past 5 years or so our marriage has become almost entirely platonic. This is not a drastic change from how I would characterize our sexual relationship from start to finish. We dated for three years before having sex and once married had sex maybe a few times a year at most. As the years have gone on it’s gone from very infrequent to almost nonexistent. We have sought marriage counseling and have been assured that these sexual issues lay in relationship issues. If we fixed our relationship then the sex will just happen. The problem is I think we have a very good relationship and we genuinely love and like each other. I’m at the point however that I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without ever having sex again. I’m not sure how to approach the subject without putting her in the situation of “I have to do it now “. I’m not at all interested in sex out of duty or obligation. It should be a choice and I want her to choose to want to be with me. What is the best way to approach this situation? I love and admire this woman and would never just leave her for not having sex with me. However, I fear someday I will pull a “John Edwards” in my desperate need to be validated as being worthy of desire and bring it all crashing down. Any advice would be appreciated.
Sexless II
Dear Sexless,
I’m so glad you’re writing before following in the footsteps of our esteemed politicians who have sought comfort outside their relationships! It sounds like you have a solid marriage aside from the sexual piece. Does your wife agree with your take on this, or are there relational issues that prevent her from feeling sexual toward you? If it is merely lack of desire, is she interested in addressing this issue for herself, or is she content with living the rest of her life in a sexless relationship? Would she be willing to explore the idea of finding out whether there might be stimuli that turn her on? If so, she may want to try reading or looking at erotic material, or perhaps experimenting with a vibrator. If she finds she is aroused by any of this, you can begin to incorporate it into your sexual relationship with one another. If the exploration doesn’t yield any positive results and she is willing to pursue it further, she can speak to a sex therapist to get to the root of the issue. Sex is an important component of partnership. If it is non-existent in yours, it is perfectly reasonable to ask your partner to explore ways you can both get your needs met in this area.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
Sexless in Seattle
Dear Sex Therapist,
I am a woman with a boyfriend that is somewhat older than me. He is a nice guy. We rarely argue and our relationship seems perfect in every sense except for sex. In the beginning, we had what I considered an average amount of sex. However I did notice that he was not very adventurous and would turn me down, for example, on blow jobs in the car (even when it was not moving and no one was around) which did strike me as odd. He seemed shy about sex; he's a nerdy guy. After the first 6-9 months the frequency of sex became less. As time rolled by it started to bother me and I felt unattractive and just not sexy. I work out a lot, and I've spent the last several years trying to improve my appearance. I’ve tried many things to spice up our sex life in the last year: make-up, hair changes, sexy outfits, and the ultimate "surprise blow job." I've even been turned down on blowjobs in bed! I got on birth control, thinking maybe that was it. I have tried to initiate on weekend mornings after we have slept in and had nothing else to do. We have sex less than 10 times a year, and even on vacations, holidays etc. there is no action for me. If I make a big deal of it, the next day or so he will make an effort to have intercourse for 15-20 minutes and then he pulls out without ejaculating, which just makes me feel worse. I am beginning to have a mental breakdown over this.
He's very uncomfortable talking about sex. I have told him his behavior makes me feel rejected and ugly. Recently he said that my talking about it makes it worse, and he doesn't want me to initiate all the time, which feels scary because he never initiates. He once admitted he hardly has interest in sex with anyone. I don't think he's cheating on me. I don't think he's gay but then there’s that sneaking suspicion that he might be. When we do have sex it is pretty obvious he isn't that into it because he never finishes. I've only seen him come once in the past 3 years. This has me very down and I feel it could be blooming into depression because I sit at work and cry almost daily wondering what to do. I don't want to end the relationship, but I also realize that I simply cannot live in a romantic relationship with someone who’s just not into me. I've never cheated on anyone, but at this point I almost feel justified. I am torn between being angry and blaming him and being hurt and blaming myself. I am torn between wanting to be with my soulmate and best friend, and the emerging realization that it may be time for me to move on. How can I marry and have a baby with a guy that seems incapable of ejaculating in me?
Sexless in Seattle
Dear Seattle,
My first concern is for your emotional well-being, as you state you are “beginning to have a mental breakdown,” you cry almost daily, and you feel you may be experiencing depressive symptoms. Please see a therapist and/or your family physician as soon as possible to discuss these issues!
As for your boyfriend’s lack of sexual desire, please stop blaming yourself and stop taking responsibility for this on his behalf. You have gone to great lengths to make your sexual relationship better to no avail. The ball is in his court. If he is not concerned about this aspect of his life, for himself, you cannot fix it for him. If he chooses to take no action, you must decide if you can accept him as he is and thereby accept the fact that you will have a virtually sexless relationship, or whether you need to move on.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
I am a woman with a boyfriend that is somewhat older than me. He is a nice guy. We rarely argue and our relationship seems perfect in every sense except for sex. In the beginning, we had what I considered an average amount of sex. However I did notice that he was not very adventurous and would turn me down, for example, on blow jobs in the car (even when it was not moving and no one was around) which did strike me as odd. He seemed shy about sex; he's a nerdy guy. After the first 6-9 months the frequency of sex became less. As time rolled by it started to bother me and I felt unattractive and just not sexy. I work out a lot, and I've spent the last several years trying to improve my appearance. I’ve tried many things to spice up our sex life in the last year: make-up, hair changes, sexy outfits, and the ultimate "surprise blow job." I've even been turned down on blowjobs in bed! I got on birth control, thinking maybe that was it. I have tried to initiate on weekend mornings after we have slept in and had nothing else to do. We have sex less than 10 times a year, and even on vacations, holidays etc. there is no action for me. If I make a big deal of it, the next day or so he will make an effort to have intercourse for 15-20 minutes and then he pulls out without ejaculating, which just makes me feel worse. I am beginning to have a mental breakdown over this.
He's very uncomfortable talking about sex. I have told him his behavior makes me feel rejected and ugly. Recently he said that my talking about it makes it worse, and he doesn't want me to initiate all the time, which feels scary because he never initiates. He once admitted he hardly has interest in sex with anyone. I don't think he's cheating on me. I don't think he's gay but then there’s that sneaking suspicion that he might be. When we do have sex it is pretty obvious he isn't that into it because he never finishes. I've only seen him come once in the past 3 years. This has me very down and I feel it could be blooming into depression because I sit at work and cry almost daily wondering what to do. I don't want to end the relationship, but I also realize that I simply cannot live in a romantic relationship with someone who’s just not into me. I've never cheated on anyone, but at this point I almost feel justified. I am torn between being angry and blaming him and being hurt and blaming myself. I am torn between wanting to be with my soulmate and best friend, and the emerging realization that it may be time for me to move on. How can I marry and have a baby with a guy that seems incapable of ejaculating in me?
Sexless in Seattle
Dear Seattle,
My first concern is for your emotional well-being, as you state you are “beginning to have a mental breakdown,” you cry almost daily, and you feel you may be experiencing depressive symptoms. Please see a therapist and/or your family physician as soon as possible to discuss these issues!
As for your boyfriend’s lack of sexual desire, please stop blaming yourself and stop taking responsibility for this on his behalf. You have gone to great lengths to make your sexual relationship better to no avail. The ball is in his court. If he is not concerned about this aspect of his life, for himself, you cannot fix it for him. If he chooses to take no action, you must decide if you can accept him as he is and thereby accept the fact that you will have a virtually sexless relationship, or whether you need to move on.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Newlywedded Frustration
Hi Sarah,
I have been married for almost 3 months. I had been sexually active with my husband for about a year before we married, but I never really enjoyed having sex. He has not been able to make me come with vaginal penetration or by touching me; the few times he has was through oral sex. And he complains that it takes forever, so he doesn't volunteer to do it anymore. Even that hasn't been so pleasurable for me, because it feels awkward, silly, and I am nervous about taking too long to come. We bought a vibrator, and when I use it, I feel a lot of pressure to come quickly before he loses steam- it just feels like a chore. I have never been with anyone else besides him, so all my sexual fantasies and expectations came from movies. Real life is pretty disappointing in comparison. I came from a very sexually repressed religious household, as my parents never discussed sex and my mom would act extremely embarrassed if it ever came up. So, I masturbated a lot to sex scenes in movies and novels growing up. Later in college, I found that I was aroused when I heard other people (like roommates) having sex. This is related to my earlier sexual fantasies involving people other than me, in outside situations. Now, I mainly view sex as a way to be intimate and closer with my husband, since I don't feel that aroused around him like I do around the aforementioned stimuli. When we discussed this, he said he felt like he was just using me as a masturbatory tool, and felt like he failed every time, since I rarely ever came. What can I do to feel sexually aroused by my husband? Additionally, he wants me to dress up and act sexy, which I have no idea how to do. I'm somewhat of a tomboy, and lack femininity. Sexiness makes me uncomfortable and embarrassed, especially since I don't view myself as a sexual being. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Thanks,
F
Dear F,
You’ve mentioned several different issues that would merit further exploration: feeling awkward and silly; taking “too long” to come; feeling aroused by hearing other people having sex; not feeling sexually aroused by your husband; not viewing yourself as a sexual being. The length of time it is taking you to orgasm may be a factor of the way you’re wired, the level of desire or arousal you are feeling when you begin to be sexual with your husband, or related to the techniques he is using. It sounds like a dynamic has been created between you and your husband in which you’re feeling self-conscious and he is feeling impatient. These two things will have a tendency to exacerbate one another. Is there a way the two of you can engage romantically that eliminates the pressure to “perform”? I recommend you begin with an exercise called Sensate Focus; you can find plenty of information about this on the internet or from talking with a sex therapist, which might be helpful for both of you.
I would also recommend you do some sexual discovery on your own. It sounds like it has been awhile since you explored what arouses you, separate and aside from your partner. Do those movies and novels still turn you on? What type of masturbation techniques do you enjoy most? Once you have found the answers to these questions you may be able to incorporate some of this into your sexual relationship with your husband. The fact that you have felt aroused by these things in the past is a good indication you are a sexual being, and there is a solution, so rest assured.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
I have been married for almost 3 months. I had been sexually active with my husband for about a year before we married, but I never really enjoyed having sex. He has not been able to make me come with vaginal penetration or by touching me; the few times he has was through oral sex. And he complains that it takes forever, so he doesn't volunteer to do it anymore. Even that hasn't been so pleasurable for me, because it feels awkward, silly, and I am nervous about taking too long to come. We bought a vibrator, and when I use it, I feel a lot of pressure to come quickly before he loses steam- it just feels like a chore. I have never been with anyone else besides him, so all my sexual fantasies and expectations came from movies. Real life is pretty disappointing in comparison. I came from a very sexually repressed religious household, as my parents never discussed sex and my mom would act extremely embarrassed if it ever came up. So, I masturbated a lot to sex scenes in movies and novels growing up. Later in college, I found that I was aroused when I heard other people (like roommates) having sex. This is related to my earlier sexual fantasies involving people other than me, in outside situations. Now, I mainly view sex as a way to be intimate and closer with my husband, since I don't feel that aroused around him like I do around the aforementioned stimuli. When we discussed this, he said he felt like he was just using me as a masturbatory tool, and felt like he failed every time, since I rarely ever came. What can I do to feel sexually aroused by my husband? Additionally, he wants me to dress up and act sexy, which I have no idea how to do. I'm somewhat of a tomboy, and lack femininity. Sexiness makes me uncomfortable and embarrassed, especially since I don't view myself as a sexual being. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Thanks,
F
Dear F,
You’ve mentioned several different issues that would merit further exploration: feeling awkward and silly; taking “too long” to come; feeling aroused by hearing other people having sex; not feeling sexually aroused by your husband; not viewing yourself as a sexual being. The length of time it is taking you to orgasm may be a factor of the way you’re wired, the level of desire or arousal you are feeling when you begin to be sexual with your husband, or related to the techniques he is using. It sounds like a dynamic has been created between you and your husband in which you’re feeling self-conscious and he is feeling impatient. These two things will have a tendency to exacerbate one another. Is there a way the two of you can engage romantically that eliminates the pressure to “perform”? I recommend you begin with an exercise called Sensate Focus; you can find plenty of information about this on the internet or from talking with a sex therapist, which might be helpful for both of you.
I would also recommend you do some sexual discovery on your own. It sounds like it has been awhile since you explored what arouses you, separate and aside from your partner. Do those movies and novels still turn you on? What type of masturbation techniques do you enjoy most? Once you have found the answers to these questions you may be able to incorporate some of this into your sexual relationship with your husband. The fact that you have felt aroused by these things in the past is a good indication you are a sexual being, and there is a solution, so rest assured.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Lingerie and Domination
Dear Sarah,
I enjoy being dominated by women while I am dressed in women's clothing, but I feel like I am losing control of it. These days I won't even talk to a woman unless she is into that. I am not in a relationship and have not been in one for several years, yet every woman I meet that I have an attraction to I find a way to ask about this fetish of mine instead of taking things slowly and getting to know her first. As you can guess, this doesn't work very well for me. And every time I get money I find an escort to dress me up and dominate me, even if that money would be better used to pay bills. It has even gotten to the point that I often wear lingerie under my regular clothes. What can I do to regain control over this? I mean, at first it was fun to fantasize about every attractive woman I saw seeing me in lingerie and her taking control over me, but now those thoughts come to mind with women that I know I shouldn't have those thoughts about. For example, I have entertained the fantasy of wearing lingerie to a session with you, even though I know that would be way out of line and very inappropriate, but those thoughts are there. So, yes, I am a client of yours but have never discussed the sexual aspects of what troubles me. So I guess the last question should be, how do I discuss this with you during a session so that I can work through it?
Very Confused
Dear Confused,
Your fantasies about wearing lingerie and being dominated by a woman are common, and shared by lots of other guys. The reason you don’t hear them talking about it is the same reason they haven’t heard you: they think they’re the only ones and it’s scary to bring it up. My concern lies in the fact that these fantasies are now impeding your life and your relationships, a helpful measuring stick for many things (drinking, playing video games, gambling, surfing the net, watching TV). When something begins to interfere with the way we function in our lives, it’s time to make a change. You state you’re not able to relate to women outside this fantasy, and you’re spending money on escorts when it has been allocated for bills. These are good signs it’s time to talk to a professional about the sexual aspects of what’s troubling you.
You state you have entertained the fantasy of wearing lingerie to a therapy session. Transference is a process in which a client shifts feelings for outside people or situations onto his therapist. One common form of transference is to have sexual or romantic feelings toward your therapist. The therapeutic environment is a safe one because you can discuss any thoughts and feelings there without fear of judgment, and you can be assured the relationship will always remain professional. As for how to bring up the issue, I suggest you begin the session by stating you’re the person who wrote this letter and I’ll take it from there. :)
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
I enjoy being dominated by women while I am dressed in women's clothing, but I feel like I am losing control of it. These days I won't even talk to a woman unless she is into that. I am not in a relationship and have not been in one for several years, yet every woman I meet that I have an attraction to I find a way to ask about this fetish of mine instead of taking things slowly and getting to know her first. As you can guess, this doesn't work very well for me. And every time I get money I find an escort to dress me up and dominate me, even if that money would be better used to pay bills. It has even gotten to the point that I often wear lingerie under my regular clothes. What can I do to regain control over this? I mean, at first it was fun to fantasize about every attractive woman I saw seeing me in lingerie and her taking control over me, but now those thoughts come to mind with women that I know I shouldn't have those thoughts about. For example, I have entertained the fantasy of wearing lingerie to a session with you, even though I know that would be way out of line and very inappropriate, but those thoughts are there. So, yes, I am a client of yours but have never discussed the sexual aspects of what troubles me. So I guess the last question should be, how do I discuss this with you during a session so that I can work through it?
Very Confused
Dear Confused,
Your fantasies about wearing lingerie and being dominated by a woman are common, and shared by lots of other guys. The reason you don’t hear them talking about it is the same reason they haven’t heard you: they think they’re the only ones and it’s scary to bring it up. My concern lies in the fact that these fantasies are now impeding your life and your relationships, a helpful measuring stick for many things (drinking, playing video games, gambling, surfing the net, watching TV). When something begins to interfere with the way we function in our lives, it’s time to make a change. You state you’re not able to relate to women outside this fantasy, and you’re spending money on escorts when it has been allocated for bills. These are good signs it’s time to talk to a professional about the sexual aspects of what’s troubling you.
You state you have entertained the fantasy of wearing lingerie to a therapy session. Transference is a process in which a client shifts feelings for outside people or situations onto his therapist. One common form of transference is to have sexual or romantic feelings toward your therapist. The therapeutic environment is a safe one because you can discuss any thoughts and feelings there without fear of judgment, and you can be assured the relationship will always remain professional. As for how to bring up the issue, I suggest you begin the session by stating you’re the person who wrote this letter and I’ll take it from there. :)
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Lost
Dear Sarah,
I have had a casual sexual relationship with a guy down the street for the past 3 months. Using protection has always been a high priority for both of us. A few days after we had sex last time, I discovered a condom had been left inside me. This has created a whole host of questions. Could I be pregnant and/or have an STD? Do I have a right to be angry about this? Because I find myself wanting to rip him a new one. Whose responsibility was it to make sure the condom didn't get left behind? Should I acknowledge any of this to him, and if so, how?
Pissed Off in Pittsburg
Dear Pittsburg,
Your fears and concerns are valid. A good first step is to schedule an appointment with your health care provider for pregnancy and STD tests in order to put your mind at ease. As for your "right" to be angry, anger is just a feeling. Anyone has a right to feel whatever emotions are coming up at any given time. How you behave around that anger is a different matter, so ripping him a new one isn't an option. The responsibility for ensuring the condom isn't still inside belongs to both of you. Stay aware and make sure whatever goes in also comes out. There are some advantages to discussing this with him. First of all, it opens the lines of communication, which can better your sex life should you continue to engage with him. Second, it allows him to gain awareness about what happened so he can prevent this from occurring in future sexual encounters.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
I have had a casual sexual relationship with a guy down the street for the past 3 months. Using protection has always been a high priority for both of us. A few days after we had sex last time, I discovered a condom had been left inside me. This has created a whole host of questions. Could I be pregnant and/or have an STD? Do I have a right to be angry about this? Because I find myself wanting to rip him a new one. Whose responsibility was it to make sure the condom didn't get left behind? Should I acknowledge any of this to him, and if so, how?
Pissed Off in Pittsburg
Dear Pittsburg,
Your fears and concerns are valid. A good first step is to schedule an appointment with your health care provider for pregnancy and STD tests in order to put your mind at ease. As for your "right" to be angry, anger is just a feeling. Anyone has a right to feel whatever emotions are coming up at any given time. How you behave around that anger is a different matter, so ripping him a new one isn't an option. The responsibility for ensuring the condom isn't still inside belongs to both of you. Stay aware and make sure whatever goes in also comes out. There are some advantages to discussing this with him. First of all, it opens the lines of communication, which can better your sex life should you continue to engage with him. Second, it allows him to gain awareness about what happened so he can prevent this from occurring in future sexual encounters.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
Monday, February 8, 2010
All Tied Up
Dear Sex Therapist,
I have a recurring fantasy I am kind of embarrassed about. I want my girlfriend to tie me to the bed and give me a hand job. I get turned on by the idea of being bound and unable to move while I am being sexually stimulated. I have watched some porn that involves a dominatrix, and I am completely aroused by this. I don't know if my girlfriend would be willing to participate, and I'm too shy to ask. I should mention that I am the CEO of a large corporation, and I'm always in the position of being in charge. Am I completely abnormal?
Boss Man
Dear Boss Man,
Your fantasies are completely normal. It is common to fantasize about things and situations that are not part of our everyday lives. If you are "always in the position of being in charge," it makes perfect sense you would be turned on by the idea of getting a break from this role.
BDSM (Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism) is relatively common in sexual relationships. These concepts are based on the idea that partners take on deliberately unequal but complementary roles in an eroticised context. The Top or Dominant partner exhibits some form of physical and/or emotional control over the Bottom or Submissive partner.
As for talking with your girlfriend, honesty is the best policy here. Do some reading, let her know what you're thinking, give her space to process the information, and see if she's open to exploring.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
I have a recurring fantasy I am kind of embarrassed about. I want my girlfriend to tie me to the bed and give me a hand job. I get turned on by the idea of being bound and unable to move while I am being sexually stimulated. I have watched some porn that involves a dominatrix, and I am completely aroused by this. I don't know if my girlfriend would be willing to participate, and I'm too shy to ask. I should mention that I am the CEO of a large corporation, and I'm always in the position of being in charge. Am I completely abnormal?
Boss Man
Dear Boss Man,
Your fantasies are completely normal. It is common to fantasize about things and situations that are not part of our everyday lives. If you are "always in the position of being in charge," it makes perfect sense you would be turned on by the idea of getting a break from this role.
BDSM (Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism) is relatively common in sexual relationships. These concepts are based on the idea that partners take on deliberately unequal but complementary roles in an eroticised context. The Top or Dominant partner exhibits some form of physical and/or emotional control over the Bottom or Submissive partner.
As for talking with your girlfriend, honesty is the best policy here. Do some reading, let her know what you're thinking, give her space to process the information, and see if she's open to exploring.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
Monday, February 1, 2010
Open to Questions?
Dear Sarah,
Please help settle an ongoing argument between my wife and me. When we are making love, I sometimes ask her what she wants me to do to her sexually. This infuriates her! She tells me after all these years I shouldn't have to ask, and she says it ruins the mood when I do. My point of view is, I genuinely want to please her. If she tells me what feels good I know I'm getting it right. Should I stop asking?
CW
Dear CW,
It's okay to ask. It shows you are interested in making her feel good. Direct and open communication is one of the best vehicles to creating and maintaining a satisfying sex life. However, before you ask, make sure you are paying attention to her non-verbal cues. Her breathing, muscle tautness, body movements, and moans will generally let you know whether you're on the right track. If she doesn't normally provide you with any of these signals, try talking to her about her sexual desires when the two of you are outside the bedroom.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
Please help settle an ongoing argument between my wife and me. When we are making love, I sometimes ask her what she wants me to do to her sexually. This infuriates her! She tells me after all these years I shouldn't have to ask, and she says it ruins the mood when I do. My point of view is, I genuinely want to please her. If she tells me what feels good I know I'm getting it right. Should I stop asking?
CW
Dear CW,
It's okay to ask. It shows you are interested in making her feel good. Direct and open communication is one of the best vehicles to creating and maintaining a satisfying sex life. However, before you ask, make sure you are paying attention to her non-verbal cues. Her breathing, muscle tautness, body movements, and moans will generally let you know whether you're on the right track. If she doesn't normally provide you with any of these signals, try talking to her about her sexual desires when the two of you are outside the bedroom.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
Monday, January 25, 2010
The Naked Truth
Dear Sarah,
My wife and I have been married for 5 years. We are in our mid-40's, and this is a second marriage for both of us. I think she is beautiful, and feel very physically attracted to her. However, she refuses to be naked in front of me. She goes into the bathroom and shuts the door to change clothes, and she won't let me come in when she is taking a shower or getting ready to go somewhere. Even when we have sex she keeps her clothes on until she is under the covers and/or makes sure it is completely dark in our bedroom so I can't see her. On the few occasions I have accidentally walked in while she is partially clothed she has an extreme reaction, screaming at me to get out and shut the door. To my knowledge there is nothing physically wrong with her that would warrant this level of secrecy. She is a bit overweight, and her skin is extremely pale, but I have never judged or criticized her for these things or even commented about them. I tell her daily she is beautiful.
When we were first together I assumed this was modesty that would go away once she got more comfortable with me. After more than 5 years, I'm starting to lose my patience. Not only would I like the option of making love to my wife without these restrictions, it hampers my daily life in significant ways. We share a bathroom, and it takes her at least 2 hours to get ready when we are going somewhere. This prevents me from accessing the shower, my toiletries, the commode, etc. I have tried to reason with her about it but she's not budging, and I'm feeling myself getting resentful. What can I do to remedy this situation?
W
Dear Dub,
I find myself wishing your wife had written, as advice to her makes more sense in this case. Sigh... It sounds like you have laid the groundwork for trust by reassuring her about your attraction to her. Trying to force the issue will only make things worse. That means no insisting to enter the bathroom while she's in there, no surprise flips of the light switch during sex. The issue is hers, and unless she chooses to explore it further (preferably with a licensed therapist) it will likely remain firmly in place. Trying to "fix" her or arguing with her about it will only leave you feeling more frustrated.
A note about hindsight: You stated this issue was present when you first started dating, and you assumed it would go away. This common assumption has been the demise of many a relationship. When you meet someone you're interested in, ask yourself, "Can I accept her/him EXACTLY as-is?" If the answer is no, you're better off not moving forward. If they make changes to accommodate you, the changes aren't likely to be real or permanent, and resentment will ensue. The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
My wife and I have been married for 5 years. We are in our mid-40's, and this is a second marriage for both of us. I think she is beautiful, and feel very physically attracted to her. However, she refuses to be naked in front of me. She goes into the bathroom and shuts the door to change clothes, and she won't let me come in when she is taking a shower or getting ready to go somewhere. Even when we have sex she keeps her clothes on until she is under the covers and/or makes sure it is completely dark in our bedroom so I can't see her. On the few occasions I have accidentally walked in while she is partially clothed she has an extreme reaction, screaming at me to get out and shut the door. To my knowledge there is nothing physically wrong with her that would warrant this level of secrecy. She is a bit overweight, and her skin is extremely pale, but I have never judged or criticized her for these things or even commented about them. I tell her daily she is beautiful.
When we were first together I assumed this was modesty that would go away once she got more comfortable with me. After more than 5 years, I'm starting to lose my patience. Not only would I like the option of making love to my wife without these restrictions, it hampers my daily life in significant ways. We share a bathroom, and it takes her at least 2 hours to get ready when we are going somewhere. This prevents me from accessing the shower, my toiletries, the commode, etc. I have tried to reason with her about it but she's not budging, and I'm feeling myself getting resentful. What can I do to remedy this situation?
W
Dear Dub,
I find myself wishing your wife had written, as advice to her makes more sense in this case. Sigh... It sounds like you have laid the groundwork for trust by reassuring her about your attraction to her. Trying to force the issue will only make things worse. That means no insisting to enter the bathroom while she's in there, no surprise flips of the light switch during sex. The issue is hers, and unless she chooses to explore it further (preferably with a licensed therapist) it will likely remain firmly in place. Trying to "fix" her or arguing with her about it will only leave you feeling more frustrated.
A note about hindsight: You stated this issue was present when you first started dating, and you assumed it would go away. This common assumption has been the demise of many a relationship. When you meet someone you're interested in, ask yourself, "Can I accept her/him EXACTLY as-is?" If the answer is no, you're better off not moving forward. If they make changes to accommodate you, the changes aren't likely to be real or permanent, and resentment will ensue. The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
Monday, January 18, 2010
To Share or Not To Share
Dear Sex Therapist,
My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. Our sex life has had its ups and downs, but lately we have been very compatible. Over the years he has asked me to do some things that made me uncomfortable. Sometimes I say yes and sometimes I don't, but he always seems to respect my decisions. For the past six months he has been asking me if I will have sex with another man while he watches. This seems weird to me, but I am not completely opposed to it. He says he doesn't have a specific person in mind, and he thinks we can find someone online. He prefers it to be someone young and very fit. (We are both in our late 30's and a few pounds overweight.) A part of me thinks this would be really exciting, but another part of me is scared there will be repercussions. What do you think?
Not Sure
Dear Not Sure,
Your husband's fantasy is a common one, though not all men admit this to their partners. The fact you're talking about it speaks well for your communication with one another. Trying something experimental can be a boost to the sex lives of many couples. Allowing yourselves to think outside the box and try new things is perfectly okay, unless it presents a moral or physical compromise to either party; then the price is too high. Additionally, bringing a 3rd party into the bedroom is sure to backfire if the two of you are not feeling 100%secure with one another.
If you decide to proceed, it's important for the two of you to agree on the terms, and to talk in advance about what's going to happen. This includes selecting the other person, making provisions for safe sex, choosing a location where the encounter will occur, and setting boundaries about which sexual behaviors you're okay with. I suggest you and your husband recap the session in private afterward before making a decision to schedule again with the 3rd party. It's also important to agree this encounter not be used as an emotional weapon by either of you down the road (i.e. "I can't believe you did that"/"I can't believe you asked me to do that"). It's an experiment, it could go either way!
My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. Our sex life has had its ups and downs, but lately we have been very compatible. Over the years he has asked me to do some things that made me uncomfortable. Sometimes I say yes and sometimes I don't, but he always seems to respect my decisions. For the past six months he has been asking me if I will have sex with another man while he watches. This seems weird to me, but I am not completely opposed to it. He says he doesn't have a specific person in mind, and he thinks we can find someone online. He prefers it to be someone young and very fit. (We are both in our late 30's and a few pounds overweight.) A part of me thinks this would be really exciting, but another part of me is scared there will be repercussions. What do you think?
Not Sure
Dear Not Sure,
Your husband's fantasy is a common one, though not all men admit this to their partners. The fact you're talking about it speaks well for your communication with one another. Trying something experimental can be a boost to the sex lives of many couples. Allowing yourselves to think outside the box and try new things is perfectly okay, unless it presents a moral or physical compromise to either party; then the price is too high. Additionally, bringing a 3rd party into the bedroom is sure to backfire if the two of you are not feeling 100%secure with one another.
If you decide to proceed, it's important for the two of you to agree on the terms, and to talk in advance about what's going to happen. This includes selecting the other person, making provisions for safe sex, choosing a location where the encounter will occur, and setting boundaries about which sexual behaviors you're okay with. I suggest you and your husband recap the session in private afterward before making a decision to schedule again with the 3rd party. It's also important to agree this encounter not be used as an emotional weapon by either of you down the road (i.e. "I can't believe you did that"/"I can't believe you asked me to do that"). It's an experiment, it could go either way!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Free Press
Dear Sex Therapist,
I have a sexual problem I have never discussed with anyone. I am married, and have always had "normal" sex with my wife. I ride a train to work every day, and most days it is crowded. Sometimes I press myself up against women that are standing next to me and I get really turned on. Sometimes I think I could actually cum in my pants if they would stand there long enough. Of course they have no idea I am doing this, at least I think they don't. Afterward I feel really dirty and guilty, but I still do it anyway. This has been happening since I was 16 and it happened at a concert. Since then I have looked for the chance to be in a crowd. Can I get in trouble for this? Am I a freak?
Embarrassed in NYC
Dear Embarrassed,
What you are describing is called frotteurism, defined as "the intentional rubbing up against or touching of another, usually unsuspecting, person for the purpose of sexual arousal." Because this is a non-consensual sexual act, it is considered a criminal offense and can result in legal penalties.
Aside from the legal aspect, though, it is important to realize you are actually victimizing the women on the train because you are doing this without their consent, something this Sex Therapist always frowns upon. Curtailing this behavior is an important and immediate step for you.
The desire itself, however, will likely remain. Is it possible you and your wife could incorporate this into some type of consensual sexual play? For example, you could press yourself against her on the train or at a concert, and she could pretend to be unsuspecting. If you are unable to stop the non-consensual behavior, please schedule an appointment with a therapist. You owe this to yourself and to the women you are victimizing.
If you have a question for the Sex Therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
I have a sexual problem I have never discussed with anyone. I am married, and have always had "normal" sex with my wife. I ride a train to work every day, and most days it is crowded. Sometimes I press myself up against women that are standing next to me and I get really turned on. Sometimes I think I could actually cum in my pants if they would stand there long enough. Of course they have no idea I am doing this, at least I think they don't. Afterward I feel really dirty and guilty, but I still do it anyway. This has been happening since I was 16 and it happened at a concert. Since then I have looked for the chance to be in a crowd. Can I get in trouble for this? Am I a freak?
Embarrassed in NYC
Dear Embarrassed,
What you are describing is called frotteurism, defined as "the intentional rubbing up against or touching of another, usually unsuspecting, person for the purpose of sexual arousal." Because this is a non-consensual sexual act, it is considered a criminal offense and can result in legal penalties.
Aside from the legal aspect, though, it is important to realize you are actually victimizing the women on the train because you are doing this without their consent, something this Sex Therapist always frowns upon. Curtailing this behavior is an important and immediate step for you.
The desire itself, however, will likely remain. Is it possible you and your wife could incorporate this into some type of consensual sexual play? For example, you could press yourself against her on the train or at a concert, and she could pretend to be unsuspecting. If you are unable to stop the non-consensual behavior, please schedule an appointment with a therapist. You owe this to yourself and to the women you are victimizing.
If you have a question for the Sex Therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
Monday, January 4, 2010
Fisting
Dear Sarah,
I am a 34 year old guy in a relationship that involves a very active sex life. Recently, in the middle of a really hot moment, my girlfriend asked me to put my entire fist inside her. I have obviously heard of this practice, but I've never even come close to putting it into practice. (Most of my previous sex partners seemed to get uncomfortable if I put more than 2 fingers inside them.) Is fisting safe? Is there anything I should know before moving forward with this? This isn't exactly a topic for happy hour conversation with my friends...
J
Dear J,
Maybe you should consider talking about it at happy hour with your friends and spicing up the conversation a bit. :) Fisting is a sexual activity that involves inserting a hand into the vagina or anus. Typically, fisting does not involve forcing a closed fist into these orifices. Instead, the fingers are kept straight and close together, forming a beak-like shape, and then closed into a fist once inserted. One of the main concerns with fisting is the tearing of tissue, so it's important to use plenty of lube. You may want to begin by experimenting slowly and gently in order to ensure you're moving forward at a pace that feels comfortable for both you and your partner.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
I am a 34 year old guy in a relationship that involves a very active sex life. Recently, in the middle of a really hot moment, my girlfriend asked me to put my entire fist inside her. I have obviously heard of this practice, but I've never even come close to putting it into practice. (Most of my previous sex partners seemed to get uncomfortable if I put more than 2 fingers inside them.) Is fisting safe? Is there anything I should know before moving forward with this? This isn't exactly a topic for happy hour conversation with my friends...
J
Dear J,
Maybe you should consider talking about it at happy hour with your friends and spicing up the conversation a bit. :) Fisting is a sexual activity that involves inserting a hand into the vagina or anus. Typically, fisting does not involve forcing a closed fist into these orifices. Instead, the fingers are kept straight and close together, forming a beak-like shape, and then closed into a fist once inserted. One of the main concerns with fisting is the tearing of tissue, so it's important to use plenty of lube. You may want to begin by experimenting slowly and gently in order to ensure you're moving forward at a pace that feels comfortable for both you and your partner.
If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com
The Blog is Back!!
Ask the Sex Therapist has returned for 2010! Perplexed by something sexual and don't know who to ask? Submit your questions to sarah@sarahkyle.com to have them answered individually or via blog.
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